What the funk

I'm in a funk. And it's not that kind of funk where everything jives in groovey caleidescope of paisley prints either.

So here's the scoop......

My mom is sick, really sick. She goes through these ups and downs....but nothing is really working. I found out a month ago that her body was beginning to enter a pre-coma state due to her blood sugar being high from some of her meds. Last week, she was admitted into the E.R. and then hospitalized for the week because she wasn't able to breathe on her own. Now she's on more meds and has to take insulin shots because of it.

She's so young.....it's hard to see her go through this. Her doctor put her on disability after she was admitted to the hospital, but whether or not that is permanent remains to be seen. We remain hopeful but the reality is that her body is attacking itself from her auto-immune disorder. At this point, I'm just grateful she's stable enough to be home and that she's on the path to some sort of recovery.

We're also keeping a close eye on my grandmother who had been told she has an elevated cancer cell count in her blood back in December. The doctors say it's really low - not enough to warrant grave concern but being that she has HepC, it was enough to blink an eye at.

And then there is my real father who says he has cancer in his kidneys. Hell, it could be a kidney infection but he called me up 2 weeks ago drunker than high-hell, balling his eyes out because I'm not apart of his life. Well shit. If he hadn't abandoned us for his psycho-bitch-ex-wife or maybe if he wasn't a drunk, we'd be a little more actively involved. Of course, there is the fact that he really likes to play mind-games with people and whole-heartily enjoys being a victim of circumstance......I don't have time for that in my life regardless of how my life may be going. I'm still contemplating how I want to handle that situation. After all, he knows not to call my house when he's drinking. But hey, who am I to tell the old man what to do.

Brandon and wee-bit have reached their last straws with one another. It seems that wee-bit has decided that wants to "act like a teenager" because she's a "big girl". Brandon is trying to finish his last leg of school but unemployment has cut his funds off (I believe it to be temporary) and so his focus and drive has shifted to getting that resolved. He's stressing out, she's stressing out and I'm in the middle trying to keep my whits about me. Needless to say, home has been a chaotic mess.

But not everything is gloom and doom in my world. Hell, even with being in a funk, I'm still optimistic that thigs will get better. I remain focused on my objectives for the year which help me stay calm. Oh wait...I haven't mentioned what those things are!! Let me share!!!

So, I decided this year that I'm not going to make resolutions. Those don't work. So with that, I made a plan for the year. My ultimate goal to achieve this year is to hike up the half dome in Yosemite. Crazy....I know.....but totally a challenge I want to conquer. So to prep for that, January to March (or April), I'm doing a lot of strength training. Mid-April or May, I'll move toward endurance and begin hiking local trails. The plan is that by August, I'll be ready to hike that half dome. I'm also definately going to walk for Breast Cancer this year and I'm trying to convince my boss to let our company participate in the Relay for Life that his wife's company does every year. I know he's going to be participating regardless but I'd really like our team to be involved, too. I'm bound to get into good shape with this plan.

I can tell this year has many changes coming (and it's NOT just because of Obama!). I get the feeling that some of them may not be very pleasant and some may be beautiful, but each change that's coming.....it's a gift that I warmly receive and am ever so grateful for. The good things I'm working toward definitely keep me focused on the positive that's in my life. I've found that I have friends that care, a family that can pull together through tough times, and that I have strength to persevere through the most difficult of times. After all, there will always be good times and bad times, times of great sorrow and of great joy, challenges and victories, love....and maybe even spite.....but if I can't live peacefully.....gratefully within each one of those moments, how shall I say that I'm alive at all?