~ Butterflies & Demons ~

Time for me to fly

2009-02-22T19:24:00.000-08:00

I loved to blog. It was sort of my weird obsession with exhibitionism. Well, not that I was aroused by my blogging (yeah right - it's fun to write erotic stories). I guess it was a means to receive attention. OK Yeah - I admit it. I was an attention whore. I justified my blogging as therapeutic and a means to teach others what NOT to do.

Being that I've gotten busier and busier with work and life, I find that I don't blog as much as I used to. Not for a lack of wanting to, because part of me still really enjoys blogging. But recently (and oddly), I've found that I've outgrown my "need" for attention from the rest of the world and have finally come to a place where the attention I really need, comes from me.

Soooooo......why the hell am I blogging right now? Well, because I'm going away for a little while. It wouldn't be fair to you if I just decided to be gone a really long time without saying what was what. And no.....I'm not going to the big house like Trash has once or twice in his life. No.....I'm going on a journey. It's a special journey and it has many rewards to be reaped. If I don't dedicate my whole heart to it, it wont be very successful so.....yeah......a big journey. Of course, at some point I'll come back to with stories of my adventures. I can assure you that you will be caught up. But for now, let's say that it's time for me to let go of the old and welcome the new.

I'm just me and this caterpillar found her wings.

Chicks, flicks and.....

2009-02-04T19:07:00.000-08:00

So, one of my co-workers decided I needed to get acquainted with what he considers one of the best work related movies ever: “The Office”. I watched it and easily related to its content. It had moments of absolute hilarity yet it had some slow points. Not something I would be inclined to watch again though. This led me to think that perhaps I had lost my touch when it comes to watching movies.

But then “Sleepless in Seattle” came on. After watching it, I felt giddy and totally in awe with that idea of some woman (or man) finding love in some super-cosmic-totally-predestined manner. Which brings me here, posting about why chicks dig chick flicks.

Every woman has seen “Sleepless in Seattle” at least twice in their life time. Most men have tolerated it maybe once, usually because they had to for the benefit of their significant other. So, why do women love chick flicks while men avoid them? Here’s my hypothesis.

Women are sold on the idea from an early age that there is such a thing as love at first sight. They are raised on stories of prince charming-type men who gallantly sweep them off their feet at precisely the right moment. Our knights in shining armor protect, provide and preserve our womanly integrity while doting over us constantly with adoration. We dream of the fantasy wedding day and the ever so romantic honeymoon. And don’t forget happily-ever-after....

So naturally, when we get into the real world, we realize that happily-ever-after is more like a typhoon hitting a small island in the tropics someplace. Sure, love can be a slice of heaven on Earth so long as you don’t mind the torrential downpours. We meet Mr. Right (or so we hope) and then shortly after, we go through the stressful wedding planning phase (which really isn’t all that stressful if you ask me), the brief honeymoon stint and then you work on careers, maybe kids, buying a house, paying bills, shuttling kids to sports practices, worrying about the economy, paying more bills, the grumpy bosses, the idiot’s that drive in the same damn commuter lane as you (going tremendously too slow) WITHOUT a passenger.

It’s no wonder we enjoy chick flicks!!! We get to go back into a place within our hearts where those stories hold a glimmer of hope to all the things we were told that were suppose to happen. If only the real world really was that way....

Meanwhile, guys dig guy movies. And why wouldn’t they? From a young age, they are taught to be tough, non-emotional, beer-swilling studs committed to the integrity of their sorority of friends, sports and libido. THAT’S ROMANTIC TO THEM! Seriously, ask any guy how many times they’ve seen Rambo, Rocky, Platoon, Field of Dreams, or Die Hard (1-4) and you’ll get an answer similar to this: “Dude, that movie kicked ass! I saw it like 5 times in one summer!” This list doesn’t include any number of different pornos they’ve seen throughout their lifetime. Let me tell you, heaven help the girl who dares to ask about that – not something for the faint of heart to do. Most guys can quote the sport stats of their favorite team and/or player without even blinking. Some can fix cars in their sleep or tell you exactly how far a .22 rifle will shoot a bullet (PLUS what a sawed-off shot gun could do to a person in close range).

But after watching “Sleepless in Seattle”, I realized that chicks and guys really aren’t very different at all. If you ask a guy how many times he’s watched “Field of Dreams”, follow it up with, “Do you still cry when you see it?” You’ll be surprised by the answer. Some will say “Uh....yeah” while others will says, “I totally cried the first time” or puff up their chest and say “Guys don’t cry at movies”. But believe it or not, guys do have a softer side and they do relate to love like us chicks. Men actually do think of love in the same terms but through different means of expression.

Here is my suggestion: Girl’s – go rent a couple of great manly movies (as mentioned above). Sit down and analyze the hell out of them. And for this year’s Valentine’s Day, I want you girls to get out there and take your man to the shooting range (or whatever manly thing he enjoys – Hooters, a batting cage, an opportunity to meet one of his favorite sport players...). Sit back and try to appreciate their LOVE for guy things; analyze it a bit more (because we all know chicks are really good at this) and then apply their enthusiasm for manly stuff to what we get excited about (shopping, the latest trends, shoes) and you’ll begin to really understand the heart of a man. (HINT for the extremely slow: Their intrigued with people/things that embody extraordinary accomplishment, honor and loyalty).

Guys – Uhm yeah, girls are a little slow when it comes to understanding the importance of putting air in the tires or how Joe Montana’s “throw” has any significance in relation to the real world. But since chicks find those things so very trifling, just smile and nod, take us to the top of the Empire State Building and plop a little green box from Tiffany’s in our lap....you’ll get a nice BJ everyday for months. Or, if you’re thinking a little bit outside of the box and can’t quite make it to New York right now, go watch 9 ½ weeks and remember, we like chocolate covered fruit.

I’m just me and I still believe in love at first sight.

What the funk

2009-01-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

I'm in a funk. And it's not that kind of funk where everything jives in groovey caleidescope of paisley prints either.

So here's the scoop......

My mom is sick, really sick. She goes through these ups and downs....but nothing is really working. I found out a month ago that her body was beginning to enter a pre-coma state due to her blood sugar being high from some of her meds. Last week, she was admitted into the E.R. and then hospitalized for the week because she wasn't able to breathe on her own. Now she's on more meds and has to take insulin shots because of it.

She's so young.....it's hard to see her go through this. Her doctor put her on disability after she was admitted to the hospital, but whether or not that is permanent remains to be seen. We remain hopeful but the reality is that her body is attacking itself from her auto-immune disorder. At this point, I'm just grateful she's stable enough to be home and that she's on the path to some sort of recovery.

We're also keeping a close eye on my grandmother who had been told she has an elevated cancer cell count in her blood back in December. The doctors say it's really low - not enough to warrant grave concern but being that she has HepC, it was enough to blink an eye at.

And then there is my real father who says he has cancer in his kidneys. Hell, it could be a kidney infection but he called me up 2 weeks ago drunker than high-hell, balling his eyes out because I'm not apart of his life. Well shit. If he hadn't abandoned us for his psycho-bitch-ex-wife or maybe if he wasn't a drunk, we'd be a little more actively involved. Of course, there is the fact that he really likes to play mind-games with people and whole-heartily enjoys being a victim of circumstance......I don't have time for that in my life regardless of how my life may be going. I'm still contemplating how I want to handle that situation. After all, he knows not to call my house when he's drinking. But hey, who am I to tell the old man what to do.

Brandon and wee-bit have reached their last straws with one another. It seems that wee-bit has decided that wants to "act like a teenager" because she's a "big girl". Brandon is trying to finish his last leg of school but unemployment has cut his funds off (I believe it to be temporary) and so his focus and drive has shifted to getting that resolved. He's stressing out, she's stressing out and I'm in the middle trying to keep my whits about me. Needless to say, home has been a chaotic mess.

But not everything is gloom and doom in my world. Hell, even with being in a funk, I'm still optimistic that thigs will get better. I remain focused on my objectives for the year which help me stay calm. Oh wait...I haven't mentioned what those things are!! Let me share!!!

So, I decided this year that I'm not going to make resolutions. Those don't work. So with that, I made a plan for the year. My ultimate goal to achieve this year is to hike up the half dome in Yosemite. Crazy....I know.....but totally a challenge I want to conquer. So to prep for that, January to March (or April), I'm doing a lot of strength training. Mid-April or May, I'll move toward endurance and begin hiking local trails. The plan is that by August, I'll be ready to hike that half dome. I'm also definately going to walk for Breast Cancer this year and I'm trying to convince my boss to let our company participate in the Relay for Life that his wife's company does every year. I know he's going to be participating regardless but I'd really like our team to be involved, too. I'm bound to get into good shape with this plan.

I can tell this year has many changes coming (and it's NOT just because of Obama!). I get the feeling that some of them may not be very pleasant and some may be beautiful, but each change that's coming.....it's a gift that I warmly receive and am ever so grateful for. The good things I'm working toward definitely keep me focused on the positive that's in my life. I've found that I have friends that care, a family that can pull together through tough times, and that I have strength to persevere through the most difficult of times. After all, there will always be good times and bad times, times of great sorrow and of great joy, challenges and victories, love....and maybe even spite.....but if I can't live peacefully.....gratefully within each one of those moments, how shall I say that I'm alive at all?

Random and why not?

2008-12-15T16:42:00.000-08:00

I got to thinking several days ago, I really have a need to express something positive yet I can't think of a way to get it out of me. I rarely sit down and blog this sort of randomness....so why not? A little bit about the things that I love (instead of what bothers me).......

The smell of fresh rain
The laughter of a child
Baby animals
Thunderstorms
Walking along the beach
Sitting under old trees
Blooming flowers in the Spring
Butterflies
Crushes (anyone's ability to still have a crush is beautiful)
Poetry
Unusual (and sometime psychotic) expressions of romance
Rainbows just before or after a storm
The sound of rain on a tin-roof
The sound of snow falling in the mountains
Cuddling up by a fire
Hugs and kisses
Profoundly spiritual experiences
Feeling connected
Dragon flies
Fire flies
Camp fires
Boots (not hiking boots either)
Drawing and/or writing
Sunsets and sunrises
Intellectual conversations over coffee or tea
Stopping to smell the roses
Music
Dreaming
Laughing
Dancing in the rain
Singing (even if it is out of tune)
My erotic nature
Expressing my opinion and being understood (even if it's not in agreement)
Being generous
Birds singing
The smell of Autumn in the air
Being random :)

Thankfully, I can say I've lived to do this.

Update

2008-10-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

For those wondering....I'm okay.

I have a liver malfunction called NASH. What this means is basically my liver doesn't process fats into energy which means I had to eliminate most fat, all red meat, most dairy and most sugars from my diet. There are a few other things that I physically need to work on but all in all, nothing that cannot be corrected, hopefully.

So NASH is what happens to your liver when it is no longer able to process fat into energy which then leads to fat building up in and around it. It typically happens to severely obese people in the late stages of fatty liver as well as extremely malnourished people as their body refuses to burn fat for fear of starvation. And those who drink too much alcohol can get it as well but then it is called ASH. None of those scenarios fit what was happening to me though....so it was a little bit harder to pin-point what was causing my liver to slow down. Thankfully, we pin-pointed it.

A good portion of this is linked directly to my birth control pill that I had been taking since wee-bit was born....too much estrogen has a way of screwing up your gallbladder, liver and kidneys. It should have been an obvious warning sign when I had to have my gallbladder removed a year after wee-bit was born but obviously it wasn't caught. I'm off the pill now. Thankfully I am doing really well as far as not going through the emotional roller-coaster that I once was on, which was basically the whole point of the pill to begin with.

As for the rest of my life.............

At the end of August, I made a career path change. Initially I began to transition parts of my job to another co-worker based on the idea that I may be out of work for a brief period of time and we needed a backup plan. But then the idea of changing jobs all together began to grow on me. My position was becoming too stressful and I wasn't performing at my best any longer due to my health. But then, the idea of change began to look appealing when I calculated how much money I could possibly make in another role. And so my decision to move into sales was formed.

A part of me really wanted to prove I could take this leap into a new environment. But there is a large part of me that wasn't ready for it which is seeming to add to my being stressed. It's not that I can't do it. I know I can and proved I can this past month. It's just so outside of my element that it's really hard for me to adjust to. So we add the fact that I do not want to fail at my new excursion, the fact that my (now) ex-boss has become a jerk over the last 3 months, the fact that we've lost really good people in the course of 2 months and that those who are still there are stretched severely thin and you've got a recipe for losing sleep. And so here I am......in a new position with added stress........resenting my decision as well as my illness.

I've actually been rethinking my career path a lot this weekend. I'm not sure if sales is for me....I never really thought of it as being something I'd do. But here I am and just as I feared, I'm not happy. I'm not too sure if I'm battling with the fact that I'm in "sales" or I'm struggling with the fact that I'm starting my career from scratch. I mean, I'd have to start from somewhere at the bottom regardless of what career I change into. And over all, sales isn't bad. It's actually kind of fun. But the politics.....the bullshit that goes along with it.....so frustrating!!!!! It's like working around a bunch of teenagers and they're all out to win some popularity contest amongst themselves. Seriously, I was never one of the gals who hung out with the popular crowd. I knew all of them but never joined in to their ridiculous games. Yet, I've put myself right in the heart of it. So maybe it's the superficial culture I don't like.....maybe it's becoming aware of how much of a backstabbing ass my ex-boss is.......maybe it's my ex-boss telling me that I really wasn't any good at being a manager and that I'm too creative for logical processes after so many years of doing just that and doing it well......maybe it's losing so many good people in such a short time....maybe it's the uncertainty of where I'm really heading..........maybe it's all of it.

*SIGH* I obviously have to get through this or else it's going to bite me in the ass.

Brandon is coming along really well with his school. He passed his first certification and is about to take his second certification test on Tuesday. Since he's still about 8 weeks ahead of schedule, he's considering taking it a step further and becoming certified as a Network Engineer. I think he should do it. I can't say how proud I am of him. Every chance I get, I tell people how awesome he's doing and how proud I am of him for taking this road. I look forward to seeing how well this pays off for him and I'm eager to see if he'll enjoy this new career. I think he will since there is never a time when you aren't learning and I think that type of environment will serve him well.

Wee bit is still doing really well also. She still has her occasional bad days but they are getting better. It still kills me that I can't do more for her right now....I so much wanted us to have been moved and her settled into a new school where she could be around a more pleasant environment. Alas.....some things get pushed off and we do what we can.

Maybe it's the fact that things haven't happened the way I want them too in general that's' got me so down about my new position.....maybe?

I need to try and get some sleep and so I bid you all adieu for now. I'll keep you all posted.

Being Sunday

2008-10-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

A chardonnay
A cabaret
Like Monet
I misbehave

You have a lovely way
a lovely way

Creme brulee
Yesterdays
My top faves
I misbehave

We'll have a lovely day
a lovely day

A sun ray
Bob Marley
Zen Merlot
I misbehave

I have a lovely way
a lovely way.

My medical update

2008-07-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

So the ultrasound proved to be very effective. Though I left the lab in tears and frustrated due to the tech refusing to tell me what she could see, she apprantly found what the problem is...sort of. My liver is ill.

Today's results from the ultrasound: we know that there is at least one marble-sized lesion attched to my liver and that there seems to be some sort of fatty mass in and/or around my liver. The radiologist has ordered an MRI to determine what it is that is on my liver.

If it happens to be a cyst, then the doctor has told me that they will not operate. Being that I'm in pain, I don't foresee an operation being out of the picture. When i asked him about what else it could be and what steps would be taken, his answer was, "I don't know. We don't know what it is so we have to do an MRI first."

I'm feeling rather uncomfortable with that.

Also, my right kidney is missing. *laughs* Yeah....missing....as in they couldn't find it when they did the ultrasound. Perhaps aliens abducted me and stole it???

So there it is. I don't know when the MRI is yet. They will call me when they have an appointment. Until then.....more wait and see.

Up to the now and in the present

2008-07-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how we let little things slip by when our time is consumed by other trifling things. My blog has always been a place where I could find comfort when the world was filled with the bleakness of everyday nuances. But as you can see, I haven't been here. Not that my life isn't filled with the same everydayness......but now it's filled with worry, doubt, optimism and the sensation that some things just have priority over others.

But after visiting my favorite blogs Sunday night, I felt it was time to sit and drain myself of all that I keep locked up inside at my favorite place, my blog. I'm an exhibitionist in that I enjoy opening myself up for others to see. If not to enjoy the weirdness or the drama, than to learn what not to do or what to do in case of an emergency.

Well, I left off with my husband not working. He's now going to school full time and is doing a wonderful job in his studies. I'm proud of him and the progress he's making. I can't speak more higher of him at this point. By the beginning of next year, he'll have 2 certifications; A+ and Network Administration. I think what is the most important part is that he is really enjoying the challenge and looks forward to what he's learning. That makes me very happy. I know that he has found a niche where he can grow and be challenged regardless of time or the fluctuating job market and he will never have to face a glass ceiling again. The sky is the limit for him now.

Wee-bit is out for the summer and passed her 1st grade classes. She had some hang-ups and she was a challenge on many occasions. Some days she's more challenging than others but we work with her and she improves. Everyday she grows taller and taller. Everyday, a new change and an inspiration to the strength she possesses. I'm very lucky to have her. Not too long ago, she informed me that she is going to be an artist when she grows up. "I don't need to go to school to learn math or reading, mom. I'm going to be an artist."

We're not going to move to Washington this year like we wanted. That is something we've accepted as having to post-pone for awhile. We could hope that we'll move soon but the reality is that we'll probably be here for a few more years. With that said, we're beginning to research buying a home in this area. Amazing that we can do that......finally.

So then, where have I been and what have I been up to? Well, work consumes a great deal of my time and energy. It is something I work very hard at to perfect and it is something that grows each day. The possibilities of it becoming a larger entity than what it is, are very real. And it pays the bills. But because it takes so much of my time and energy, I find that I am tired by the end of the day and only want to spend what energy I have left with my family. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job very much and my boss is a joy to work with, even on the days when I want to kick him in his shins. And the people that I work with, I love them too but we're going through changes and of course, as change is always inevitable, people will being moving on and others will be moving up. All I can do is ride with it.

But that isn't the only reason I'm tired. In April, the day before Wee-bit's birthday, we lost our bunny foo foo to an intestinal obstruction. That was such a sad day for me. I loved our bunny so much even though I couldn't really pet her much because I was so damn allergic to her fur. But still, that bunny kicked ass. And wee-bit had a hard lesson in the mortality of animals which even more heart-wrenching then the death of foo.

But little did I know that foo foo's death was a warning of my own issues to come. The very next day, well, to be frank, I found that I was bleeding internally from the backdoor. I, of course, ignored it. I thought perhaps the stress of work, family and losing our pet was just too much on me. But it didn't go away. And so, I went to see the doctor. A short time later, we found that I have a polyp and that I need a colonoscopy in case there is more that wasn't seen with the other examination. But that is only one of the ailments that I'm battling. I'm also being screened for cancer as blood tests show that my white blood cell count is high, my iron is depleting quickly and I seem to have somewhat painful growths in my abdomen. Now, let's not all panic. It could be that my liver is fat (fatter liver), it could be a severe intestinal infection, it could be cysts growing along the lining of my abdomen (rare but not unheard of), and it could be a combination of all of the above. I'm going to be going through a high-resolution ultra sound next Monday to determine what it is. There is no doubt though that at some point, I will be going under the knife.

Because of whatever the hell is wrong with me, there are days when I look to be more obese than others. The bloating in my abdomen can be troublesome and rather uncomfortable. There are days when I hurt more than others and there are days when I am so tired that I could fall asleep standing up. Today, is one of the uncomfortable days. Oddly through it all, I've lost weight which is a very trivial thing on days like today.

As time passes, I become more tired, yet more determined to get better. It's more of an annoyance than anything. It's not like having the flu or a cold where your whole body is miserable. It's more like being pregnant almost....the being bloated and tired all the time.....not being able to eat very much and still feeling like your hungry at the same time.....wondering where the hell you left your brain today because you feel like your walking in a sleepy haze. There are days when I feel stoned out of my gourd because I'm so tired. And yes, that comes with munchies too.

So there you have it.....everything up to now and in the present. I'll try to keep you posted more often as I go along with this. I really didn't want to say anything until I knew what the hell was wrong with me but as you can see, we're not getting that answer very quickly.

Kids, don't try this at home.

Aliens love brains......and cheese

2008-03-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

Wee-bit reminded me today that Aliens love brains and cheese (referring to an episode of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends). And then told me, "Scientist are making brains, too." "Why", I asked. "To put them into people's heads so they'll know stuff." she replied. The insight of my 6 year old terrifies me.

So what's new in the land of Mrs. Just Me? Lots of nothing. I mean, I could rant for days and days about how irritable I am due to outside forces that tend to screw up plans but ranting wont make it right. However, it WILL make me feel better. So I shall rant! But abbreviated because I really don't want to spend too much time on it....

- Brandon went back to work for one week after his foot had healed. Then his boss stopped working him. He hasn't worked in 2 weeks and JERK BOSS refuses to answer his calls or lay him off.
- Because of the above, we're back to being financially strapped.
- Brandon and I are both cranky because our plans to relocate to Washington keep getting thwarted by outside factors (JERK BOSSES, STUPID VEHICLES, UNPLANNED HEALTH ISSUES!).
- I've given up on relocating to Washington for now.
- The uncle that molested my cousins has said that he would like to talk to my cousin (the one I have re-established contact with) but wants to do secretly without telling his mother (he still wont confess to her of his guilt).
- I discussed the above with my mom who informed me that my cousin isn't my cousin.
- Brandon confirmed yet another dark family secret.
- Wee-bit stuck another damn fuzzy in her ear this past week. Don't kids stop sticking crap into orifices' after a certain age?
- After reviews at work, a (female) co-worker has began to display jealous behavior. We're in 2 separate departments but report to the same Director. I apparently am one of the few who received a perfect review. She apparently did not receive a good review and is vying for his attention.
- Not really catching on to said jealous co-worker being jealous, co-worker semi-burned me this passed week by divulging information to my boss that was strictly confidential (Not that he didn't know but he didn't know everything). I knew that it wasn't something I was suppose to talk about but thought that she could be trusted. WRONG! I wanted to kick her face in but have managed to refrain from physical violence. Live and learn.

So there it is.....the long and the short of it.

On a positive note, Brandon is now thinking that it would be in his best interest to go back to school. He's thinking that computer stuff is where he'd like his next career to be and it has proven to be a sound field to enter.

Wee-bit is still doing well in school. She had a small relapse when Brandon went back to work but since he's not working again, she's back to doing well. We don't get it but it's all good.

Work is so damn chaotic that I rarely have time to stop and breathe. But changes are abound there. It'll be interesting to see where it goes. The only part that sort of sucks is that I do have to dedicate a lot of time and energy to the place. But since it's nothing like what Big Gig was like (they actually appreciate your hard efforts), I don't mind putting forth the effort, time, blood, and sweat. I know that it will pay me back in two-fold.

As far as my spiritual self or my artistic self, they've taken a back-burner to the rest of my life. Making sacrifices today for a better tomorrow is how I look at it but it's just difficult for me at times. There are days when I really just want to take a walk in the mountains or listen to some ocean waves crash upon a beach. There have been a few days when all I could think about is wanting to be left alone to clear out my head. And I'm sad that I've lost the desire to draw or write as much as I used to. Creativity that isn't being used is a dis-justice to the artistic soul.

Anyway, I need to get ready for bed so that I can make it out of bed early enough to drive 2 hours to my mom's house tomorrow. I'm kinda' looking forward to seeing her.

Jolly leap - jolly day

2008-02-29T10:46:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Brandon went to see the doctor for the last time on Wednesday. His foot has finally healed and so that means he can go back to work next week. Let me tell you, he's so thrilled to finally be able to get out of the house, he can hardly stand it.

But while he's been home, he has managed to do an impressive amount of work on the genealogy and has found some very interesting, beautiful and strange things on my family. Something that Brandon presented to me last night was a beautiful poem from one of my ancestors who was a Deputy U.S. Marshall at Ft. Arbuckle. His name was James Harris Guy. Here is the poem:

Fort Arbuckle
By James Harris Guy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day has been long and dreary;
I halt with the sitting sun
To gaze on the open world
And the work the years have done;
And a vision rises before me,
Of the past as it hath been,
And all the rolling hills have heard,
And the bright-eyed stars have seen.

Full many a thrilling story
Could the echoing rocks repeat,
And methinks I hear in the forest
The tramp of hurrying feet.
The yells of the great Comanche
Ring once more in my ear
And files of the ghostly warrior
Appear and disappear.

I see the dusky phantoms
Rise from their graves to-day,
With the war paint still upon them
As they started for the frey;
They scorned the white man’s promise
And refused to be his slaves,
But their ranks were few and feeble,
And the sun sets on their graves.

Once more from the hills above me
The painted warriors ride,
And fall upon Ft. Arbuckle
Like rocks from the mountain side;
But now the bow and the quiver
Give place to the plodding plow,
A bible, a hut, a handful of corn
And a Christian’s broken vow.

Oh, Mystical Ft. Arbuckle
The sun is falling aslant,
And a friend stands out in his doorway;
God speed thee Thomas Grant;
For thou hast ever a seat at thy board
And thy heart a place,
For him who would sing the wide world o’er
The songs of a ruined race.

Jim Guy, as he was also called, was considered the leading poet of the Chickasaw Nation. In the book “Leaders and Leading Men of Indian Territory” by H.F. O’Beirne, 1891, it is noted that Guy wrote this poem shortly before his death. James Harris Guy and two of the Roff brothers were killed in a shootout on May 1, 1885 in the Yellow Hills near Baum by the Lee brothers. And as I investigated on my own, I found that Thomas Grant (mentioned above) was the first appointed Postmaster at that fort who later came to rest in 1904 near the fort. That, my friends, is very cool family history.

Wee-bit is doing well. But I believe the true test/challenge will be when Brandon goes back to work. I'm hoping that this time spent with him has been very positive and that she'll continue to do well. I mean let's face it, she has 4 months left to go to get out of 1st grade as well as this school. If she can just hang on a little bit longer......she'll be out of there after that.

Brandon and I have been discussing our relocating - AGAIN. Our goal is still our relocation to Washington but we've also agreed that if that doesn't pan out this Summer, we're still relocating. And so with that, we've agreed that we'd buy a house in Roseville - approximately 16 miles East of where we currently live. We're both tired of the area we live in and the school district here SUCKS! We want wee-bit to be in an area where she isn't alienated for her race and unfortunately here, she is. Very strange to be a white person who is a minority in the crowd. The thing about relocating to Washington is the uncertainty. Here, I have a good job and it pays me well. Brandon's job is predictably stable - meaning we can predict the down times with ease regardless of the current economic crisis. To remain here, we know what to expect. But up there, it's not so easy to predict. I mean, sure Brandon would have a job to go to and it would pay him better then here. But we do not know what the down times are or how long they last. Nor do we know what the economic climate is like. And with my profession, it may not be as easy to get a job and I do not know that I can count on the pay that I currently receive. These are the things I constantly think about because the decision we make will effect us deeply and for a long time. But let's face it - if it weren't for the variables, there would be no second guessing. I truly love it up there. It's the only place (besides Monterey) that I have visited and said, "I'm at peace here". I'm sure that one day I will visit another place and feel that way but until then, I want to make Washington my home rather it be this Summer or 5 years from now.

PLUG: So I got this e-mail asking me if I'd be interested in linking to a spot on the internet called DoingFine.org. I inspected the site and from what I can make of it, it's a forum to discuss positives in life rather then negatives. I figured, "Well why not? No harm in positive, right?" However, "Being happy, or calm, or serene, or positive is not a prerequisite for posting on DoingFine". And the forum leader, Mr. M also says, "It felt a little like the blogosphere is turning into the bansheesphere, and I just figured it'd be nice if there was a place where people didn't complain." Sounds like Mr. M has not visited the Wand of Wonder lately. Anyway, if anyone is interested, swing by and check the place out.

And so in summary, the state of my union is: Doing Fine. Until next time, I'm off to "leap" the day away. Cheers to you all!

In summary

2008-02-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

Long time no chat, friends. I've missed some of you very much and hope that you are all well where ever you may be. I send you each warm-hearted hugs.

Since my last entry, several things have happened. There have been 2 deaths (one was a friend of my mom and sister's and the other was a cousin of Brandon's), my job relocated to Roseville, Brandon's cast has been removed (he wears a walking cast now), wee-bit has begun therapy for ADD/Bi-polar disorder, my blood pressure has gone up 10 points, Aasta got married (CONGRATULATIONS BABE!!!), my sister's husband finally found a job (their several months wait paid off big time!), my good friend Kim and her partner of several years are on the rocks with their relationship, and Brandon and my 10 year anniversary is this Thursday (HOORAY FOR US!)

This winter has been acceptionally stressful for me; definately a test of my patience and willingness to persivere through it all. A majority of my stress has come from work because there have been several changes there that have occured that appear to be shadey at best. And with my boss being out traveling, I was witnessing first hand the coup as it took over what used to be the best little software company ever. Now, with the changes that have occured, I'm back to corporate muck. *Boo* And with everything that is happening at work as well as at home, I began to lose sleep over it all. Let me tell you, me without sleep for several weeks equals a very ugly woman.

After a few conversations with my boss last week, who acknowledged the changes as being crappy (and acknowledging that resistance is futile), I've resolved to just sit back and let things be as they are. No since in working myself into a heartattack for this place. It is after all, just a job.

And so, with that in mind, I woke up on Saturday and worked out my anxieties and frustration by doing some yoga, followed by walking and then meditating. Sunday, I got up and did it again plus played a round and a half of minature golf with the family. What can I say? The weather was wonderful this weekend. And I mean seriously, since last year, I've gained my 20 pounds back and quite frankly, I've been feeling like complete shit. I needed to do something to start getting my ass back into shape. And because I chose to work out (for the first time in almost a year), it made me physically tired, which meant, I caught up on some much needed sleep this weekend too. Ahhhhhhh sleep!

Even my spiritual self had fallen to the waistside over everything that has occured. BAD bad bad me. The Great Spirit has made it known that He is not thrilled with my lack of participation. So meditating over the weekend was a nice place to start. I woke up today and after working out for a third day in a row, I actually began to feel like I was more centered, more relaxed, peaceful. Who knew that sweating could be so excilerating?

Now I just need some really hot, sweaty, orgasmic sex and I'll be all better!

So how are you doing?

I'll send an SOS in my update

2007-12-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since my last post. So much has been going on that I haven’t had the time to rant. Technically, I don’t have time now. But if I didn’t share what has been going on, I’d go crazy.
So....let me see......where did I leave off.......??? I believe I left off around Turkey Day. So...let me go from there.

We spent Thanksgiving at my mom's house. We went while we were attempting to recover from this flu/cold thing that's going around. We came back not doing very good. I was sick for close to 6 weeks. Blah. Anyway...my mom's place was good. We had good food and good company......it was nice. The rest of the weekend was spent doing pretty close to nothing since we were sick. But that's OK. We deserve time to do nothing.

The following weekend was my birthday. Yeah me! I didn't do my usual "I want EVERYTHING" list this year, so for the first time ever, Brandon didn't have anything planned for me. That was kinda cool but I had anticipated he would have planned something anyway. He usually does so it was a surprise when I found that he didn’t. So, I decided we should go to the movie theater. We watched "Enchanted" which was a VERY cute movie for the chicas, I must say. Even Brandon had a few chuckles.

Then after that, I decided I wanted to window shop. I made Brandon take me to Cost Plus so I could oogle over the imports. I found a really awesome smelling candle there as well as a pretty pricey ice wine that I absolutely LOVE. I'm not much of a drinker these days but I can tell you that I truly appreciate a good dessert wine from time to time. After that, we meandered over to Pier 1 Imports....which SUCKED. It was like walking into Pottery Barn...literally. But I did find a cartoonish meditating frog there....and loved it.....although I didn't get it. From there, we cruised over to Bath and Body Works where I tormented Brandon with all of the over-powering smells. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I did find a really nice lotion that I got and then, being as it was flippin’ cold out, we went over to Wal-Mart where I picked out a cozy black scarf and a sparkly object.

Our dinner excursion was not as fun though. It took us an hour and half and three restaurants to get seated. And then to top it off, our server sucked in a very BAD way. Oh well...the food was good.

To make up for our outing, Sunday I sat at home and had myself a PJ day. While lounging around in my PJ's and doing laundry, I managed to watch a couple of football games and then turned my attention to a movie on HBO called "The Science of Sleep". That was actually a very good movie. It was sort of this schizophrenic love story, blurred between reality and dreams. I loved it and will watch it again I’m sure. I followed that up with the end to "The Nativity Story" and the middle of "A Secret Garden"; both also very good movies. Naturally I had to ask Brandon a thousand questions about the Three Wise Kings......like......how did they get to be so wise?

After that, everything seemed to slide down the mountain….quickly I might add. 2 days later, I got a call from Brandon informing me that wee-bit had decided to wander off from class again. I mean, she left a class and did not return to her class. Instead, she went out to play in the field while class is in session.

I proceeded to get off the phone, leave in the middle of a meeting that I was having with my boss, cry my eyes out in the bathroom and then take a quick walk outside. Thankfully I have a very patient supervisor.

What pissed me (and Brandon) off the most about wee-bit wandering off is that the fucking school did NOT call either of us to tell us that this had happened. I get calls at work because she is being disruptive, she's forging signatures on prize cards, and stealing toys from other kids.....but do they fucking call when she disappears?!?!? Nope.

We took wee-bit to a child psychologist who had decided that she could have ADD or she could be showing early signs of being bi-polar. Because he couldn’t tell which one it may be, we have to undergo special therapy with her to try and work it out. To treat her (with medication) for one thing when it could be the other would do damage. We preferably do not want to medicate her until we are certain of what she is experiencing. We are hopeful that we wont need to medicate her but because of her over-impulsive nature, we may end up having to do so.

While this was going on, Brandon’s truck (THE NEW ONE) broke down. We had towed it into the dealership, thinking that our warranty covered everything. BOY, WERE WE IN FOR A SURPRISE!!! As it turned out, the warranty only covered $35 of the tow (our bill was over $100) and the warranty only covered 1 part that needed to be replaced. We were stuck with a $960 bill. One week later, we had to take the truck back down because ti was still acting messed up. That night (12/17), Brandon fell and broke his foot.

I rushed him down to ER where we waited for three and a half hours for the doctor to come over and tell Brandon that it was sprained. Meanwhile, I’m staring at X-Rays that show a fracture. “Oh no, that’s just the way his foot is. He’ll be fine. He just needs to walk it off.”

12/18 we picked up the truck because the dealership swore (in writing) that there was nothing wrong with his truck. On 12/24, the battery finally died. So we took it down to our local mechanic who told us that our chain had been yanked, and hard. The problem with the truck was that the battery was dying, hence why it was driving rough and having electrical malfunctions. They also informed us that the dealership was full of crap as they had told us a week prior that the battery on the truck was just fine. FUCKERS.

At this point, Brandon had already had a second X-Ray done on his foot because it wasn’t getting better. We found out on 12/26 that it was in fact fractured in multiple locations. So the next day, he received his new addition to his wardrobe; a pretty purple cast that wee-bit had picked out for him. Naturally, we kept a photo log of the event.

ER

2 Days Later

3Days Later

The Cast

The day after we got the cast put on, we went to apply for his disability since he will not be able to work until March. Yes, you heard that correctly…..MARCH. Anyway, while I was at the Kaiser Member Services Desk with Brandon, I filed a complaint against the ER FUCK TARD who swore that it was just a sprain. I’ve got something that ass-hat can walk off……

As far as my new job goes…..wow…….we terminated the accounting chick because of her bad attitude which means I got a lot of her responsibilities. She really didn’t have much to do because there were no sales being made. Now that we have a new sales team, sales are being made and I’m a lot busier. Plus, I’m still responsible for Government Contracts. I had a quote that I had to write up for Placer County in less then 2 weeks (that was delivered in person yesterday), an office that was suppose to get packed and ready to move...that is until we found out our new building didn’t pass inspection (hurry up and wait!!), and on top of it all, I’m still working on our marketing team.

Next week, I get to visit the new office space to make sure it’s ready for our team to move in and play catch up on what I wasn’t able to get to while I was running around with the Placer County quote. And somewhere in there, I need to hire a couple more people…….how the hell did I get myself back into management?? I thought I was just an executive administrator.

So there ya have it. My month in review……hopefully, I’ll find time to update everyone before the end of January. Oh….and……..

Cheers my friends ~ to the good, the bad and the ugly.

Turkey Day and stuff-ing

2007-11-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sending out my holiday wish, FINALLY. I didn't even do a Halloween shout-out, which is VERY sad for me not to have done. I haven't really finished writting my story at Tainted Love's Erotic Stories....I'm just busy I guess. Nothing bad...just busy.

Everything in my world seems to be going just fine. I have nothing to report, no rants, nothing. Life is beautiful.

Back to center

2007-10-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

I've had quite the roller coaster ride theses past few weeks. Where shall I start?? Hmmmmm.....

Well, work has been...work. It's not bad nor is it totally excellent. I love my job. But it has some drama issues. I was relocated to another room. I guess...I need to explain. We're in a building right now that has several small suites. We occupy a majority of those suites but they can hold only 4 people per suite. So, I originally was sitting in the management suite but was relocated to the accounting suite. I really didn't want to move but I knew why I was being asked to. The reason is less then favorable for the accountant, to put it mildly. I've made the transition smooth but personally, I'd prefer to be working in a quieter environment.

Now, since I had so much experience with government documents from Big Gig....not really THAT much.....I'm mainly working on creating government documents. It's actually pretty fun. I'm in my element which makes my job very pleasing.

Not pleasing part is that the company is bringing someone back on board that was terminated a few months ago for squandering company resources. The VP explained his reasoning today....which shed a great deal of light on why I'm such a valuable asset to this place. They're trying everything in their power to hook up with Big Gig and all Big Gig's government contracts. Seeing as how I worked on those contracts.....it has become obvious that they have a lot riding on me. Interesting. I'll ask for a raise later.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So...with me going back to work, wee bit's been having some major issues with school. Mainly she doesn't want to follow directions. However, after speaking to the Vice Principle today, I've come to find that wee bit may not be entirely to blame. The teacher is currently being investigated for her teaching practices. Now, I have been in that class room with that teacher. To tell you the truth, she seems to be a bit....scattered? She has great intentions but has extremely high expectations on those little 6 year old. I know that she worked with 4th graders prior to this so I am inclined to think that she is not used to working with a younger age group. I had even mentioned it to her that she should allow the kids some wiggle time DURING class so that they are not as disruptive during her lessons. Well, that was a suggestion that went in one ear and out the other. She's is strict and I know that those young kids are having a difficult time with trying to follow her rules.....some being VERY ridiculous.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Also.....2 weeks ago, my uncle got out of jail and proceeded to tell the family that he was visited by his ex-wife.....the mother to the cousins that I am forbidden to speak to. Let me tell you folks......we had ourselves a grand ole time over here!!! SHEEE-IT! It took my mom a week to call me and talk to me. By the time she did talk to me, she had already heard most of the story form my little sister, which made it easier on both my mom and I to have a conversation. It turned out to be the exact opposite of what I had imagined in my mind. My mom actually understands me and my talking to my cousin. Not that my mom wants to open the dialog and invite my cousin readily into her heart or home. However, she certainly does agree and knows that my cousins should be acknowledged as victims.

Meanwhile....my grandmother is having a huge shit fit...even now. She's pissed to all hell and back over what has transpired. How dare I or my cousin betray our grandmother. And now, how could my mother NOT reprimand me for such evil behavior. Strange thing is that only my grandmother is harboring anger while the rest of the family has decided that it really isn't a big deal and that it is time to move on. I mean hell, we all know my uncle is guilty as sin. We also know he can't wait to get back to drinking so that he can go back to prison. Nothing says "innocent" like acting ridiculously guilty. I'm sure that some of us have been written out my grandmother's will but she'll either get over the fact that we've choose the right path or die in her hatred for children who had the courage to stand up for what is right. Either way, we're all comfortable with it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
So with this roller coaster, aunt flow stopped into town this week. Yippee. So, I've been stressed, PMS'ing, emotional, bloated.....and fucking tired. Thankfully aunt flow came in after my conversation with my mom as well as after the whole initial hit of family drama. Otherwise, I'd have had some heads for midnight snacks.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
On an unrelated note....we received some very adorable Halloween cards from Aasta today. Wee bit immediately responded to the card by thanking her with a note and a picture that she had drew. (Make sure you look for it to be in the mail, Love.) A big special thank you to my darlin' who always seems to think of us.....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Speaking of special......Wee-bit has become quite the accomplished artist. I tell ya what, that kid is damn good at drawing anime. She's 6 but she's better at it then I am...even on her worst days. When I can, I will upload a sample of her stuff so you all can see just how freakin' talented this kid is. In the mean time, you'll just have to take my word for it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last weekend, I had myself a first. I sat down and read my first "romance novel". It was more like, "unintelligent smut". It took me a total of 15 hours to finish the book. *laughs* The story was okay and even though the sex scenes were hot and heavy, they were totally unrealistic for the era in which the novel was suppose to be taking place.

This weekend, I have two books to get through. One is called "The Notebook" and the other is...uhm...another smut book with vampires in it. I'm anxious to get through "The Notebook". I have heard that the movie was very good....by my real father of all people...and the gal who loaned the book to me said that she cried after reading this book. This chick doesn't cry over books so that says something right there.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Speaking of books.....2 weeks ago, Brandon bought me a book of Emily Dickinson's poetry. I love her poetry so much. I keep the book by my bedside so that I can periodically pick it up and thumb through a couple of pages before bed. He also got "In the heart of darkness". For those who do not know, the movie Apocalypse Now was based upon that novel. I'm anxious to peak into that one after I get through my other BAZILLION books that I have. *laughs* I can't help it...I like reading!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And check it out! Go to Brandon's blog for some WAY freakin' fun facts on my family. He found a link to yet another celebrity on my tree. I love it when he does that!

Okay...I'm out. I've got some meditating to do.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The same page

2007-10-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

From one moment in time to the next,
We have been challenged in our relationship.
We've held tight the binds between us
Yet have let petty differences break our necks.

My mother and I

She has been the one to make mistakes
I have been the one to learn from them
Through and through we grew up
Into different people with strong voices

My mother and I

And in my resistance
And she in hers
Here on our road
We find each other seeing the same things

My mother and I

So, tonight you're my friend
Tomorrow and until the end
We found common ground
Where we both can stand

My mother and I

Manager's Log: Day 1 & 2

2007-10-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

My job kicks ass! The people kick ass! Where I'm at even kicks ass!

So far, my job is just doing what I usually do but a bit slower because I have software that I'm in the process of learning. Once I've learned what I need for now, I'll be doing quite a bit of data entry as we are switching methods of storing customer information. Sure, it's not glamorous work but it's gotta get done. But what really makes my job so freakin cool is that I work in a non-stress environment. It's like, I'm not really working at all. I'm doing stuff that I know how to do, love to do around people who are very similar in personality at an old Air Force base. Of course, we're going to be moving in a couple months but who cares. It's the group I'm working with that really makes this place so FABULOUS!

Now for some updates.

My step dad is not going to Iraq....at least right now. His health is just not what would be considered "good enough" for him to go out of the country and not have some type of health issue. So....he's home. Thankfully!

My brother-in-law just lost his job. Talk about crappy! He is the sole financial bread winner in my little sister's world. If he can't find work soon, my little sister and her family will be faced with some seriously difficult financial times. It just breaks my heart but I am positive that this is a blessing in disguise for them. She has long wanted him to find another job so that he could be home with the family more. Now....here is his chance.

A couple of peoples' birthday is coming up. TEE HEEE!!!!

Okay.....I need to jet for now. It's about time for me to head on home. Have I mentioned that I love my job? Oh and.....my boss listens to Lamb of God. Should I be worried?

Patience is still not my virtue - but I try

2007-09-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

That's right folks. I finally got a J-O-muthafuckin'-B. HA HA!

So the non-profit passed me up but Software Gig did not. They called this morning to extend their offer to me and if God willing, I'll start next Monday, October 1st. Yeah...that's right, I'm the woman. And even though it's not a job where I'll be contributing to society, it is a position I am very familiar with (Office Management)and the pay is significantly higher then what the non-profit could pay. I'll be making the same pay I was making with Little Insurance Co. but working with a smaller group of people, which is a huge bonus. I'll also be working with mostly technical people which is yet another added bonus. Most techies are really laid back. The commute is really short although it will be changing in December. It still wont be all that bad because it's a reverse commute.

Now the planning has begun. It's time to organize the baby-sitter's routine with picking Wee-bit up and at what time. We're going to try for Thursday and Friday to make sure everything goes okay and work out any kinks that may arise. And then after school today, I'll be organizing the routine with Wee-bit's teacher so that she is aware of what is also going on.

Sometime soon, I'll be giving our loan agent a call to work with him on re-doing our home loan as we were approved for a home loan for $235,000 but that was based solely on Brandon's income. Now that I have an income, and we've had some improvements made on our credit report, that may very well change tremendously. But I sort of want to wait until I'm in the position and my income is verifiable. At this point, it's still verbal.

On other news, my sista' Jinga' got her wedding dress this passed weekend. It is truly a beautiful wedding gown, and a perfect choice for her Hawaii wedding next year. I'm so excited for her.

I am equally excited for my darling love, Aasta who will also be getting married next year. Although, in my heart I am sad because I fear that I may not be able to make it to her wedding. But if the financial universe be willing, I will make it there!

Speaking of Aasta, has anyone heard from her? *laughs* Just kidding, Love. I want you to know I'm thinking about you and you're always in my heart. *kisses and hugs*

Well, that's the update. Looks like things will be moving along soon and hopefully, we'll be ready to move by the end of February 2008. Quite honestly, I don't know if my heart can take us pushing it back another year. Nor do I think Brandon can handle it. I think if there is one person who wants to leave this area more then me, it's Brandon. So....here's to new adventures and changes in the path of my life.

Cheers!

Blessings of the Season

2007-09-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

Autumn
Emily Dickinson

The morns are meeker than they were,
The nuts are getting brown;
The berry's cheek is plumper,
The rose is out of town.

The maple wears a gayer scarf,
The field a scarlet gown.
Lest I should be old-fashioned,
I'll put a trinket on.

May the steps to begin
the journey into dark and foggy nights,
be the steps on your path within
that lead to your inner light.

YTo celebrate the Autumn Equinox each year, I try to schedule a run to Apple Hill where we enjoy a day at the local Apple Farms. But due to our lovely rainy weather (YES!!), we opted to stay home to do some fun things. Wee-Bit and I made several art crafts yesterday and today. Tomorrow will be the fun one, where I try to melt wax. For our Autumn treat, I made two homemade apple pies. Thankfully they turned out good - different but good. A little added extra ingredient (lemon juice) made it a bit tarty but still pretty damn delicious. Next time though, I'll leave the lemon juice out. I also got some really big fat Fiji's and some caramel sauce for our Sunday football snack. YUM! Brandon made a unique Minestrone soup for dinner. He didn't like but I certainly did. I think he might make some cabbage roles tomorrow but I'm not too certain on that. Guess I'll have to wait and be surprised. As you can tell, we're bringing the season in with some good-old-fashioned-hearty-homemade food!

None of this weekend's little fun would have been possible had I not got an early jump on our chores. Thursday, I spent the entire day doing what most typical people would consider a Spring cleaning. So what if I do mine in the Fall. At least it gets done. I started off with the dreadful bathroom and went form there. Let me tell you, this place was dazzling when I was finished. But I my back hurt like so bad I could hardly walk. That's what I get for waiting so damn long to clean! Friday, I finished off all the laundry and today we did some grocery shopping. Yeah...I'm tooting my own horn here but I wanted this weekend to be perfect for all of us. I put forth a great deal of effort, pride and love in what I was doing. I hope that it shown.

So, the non-profit turned me down. For what reason, I'm not entirely sure. The letter said that they wanted to go with someone with a different skill set. After all the drama they gave me with my references and that was the response. It seemed a bit fishy for me to be honest. No I'm waiting on the software company. I called Friday and spoke with one of the guys who interviewed me and he said that because of busy schedules, he and the other gentlemen hadn't had a chance to sit down and meet yet. He was hoping they could do it on Monday. I told him that I look forward to hearing form him soon and his response was, "Me too." I know I did good in the interviews.......I'm just hoping I'm what they're looking for. My gut feeling tells me that on October 1st, I'll be starting with them. Let's see if I'm right.

So with the change of season has come a change in my physical condition. My migraines have decreased dramatically. Today I actually had a headache but it's the first one in days. I also attribute this change to my praying daily with the intent to be rid of the debilitating migraines. Either divine intervention or the change in weather, I'm feeling better. But I have noticed through the weeks that my eyes and ears are both not working as well. My eye site sucks and I constantly have a ringing in my ears. With the migraines, this was a lot worse. As the migraines go away, the ability to hear and sea has slowly began to stabilize. No more fuzzy blurry lights passing in front of my eyes or the sound of swishing wind in my ears.

My sister and I had a little conversation about homosexuals. I wanted to know why the Christian community bashed so many different types of people when in the New Testament, it preaches that we should love all our neighbors. With matter of fact, she told me, "I agree with you that the Christian community is doing the wrong thing. I like to follow in mom's belief in that we should hate the sin, not the sinner." Too bad my mom doesn't really practice those words but God bless my sister for doing so.

Well, as I sit here and type, I'm drinking a really good cup of coffee, cuddled up in my favorite cozy sweater and pants, listening to Dave Matthews Band and smelling the smells of fall waft through my windows. It's a little too tempting so I think I'll go cuddle up on the couch with my hunny-bunny and relax.

Blessed Autumn Equinox/Mabon/turning of the wheel to each and every one of you from all my heart.

Follow me...to sleep.

2007-09-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

So.....let's see......

Saturday I got to visit with my sista, Jinga'. That was awesome. Can't believe that it' has been a year since we last saw each other. I resolved that I would have to see her more often. At least talk to her more then once a month. SHEESH! I'm such a loser when it comes to my friends. I want to spend time with them but I'm also wanting to spend time with my family so it's like, which person do I delaget my time to without wearing myself thin? 9 times out of 10, I choose my family over everyone else (including myself). All I can do is hope that people understand, my family has to come first.

On Friday, I got a call back to do the second interview with the software developing company. Tomorrow I'll be meeting with the President and 2 directors. No pressure. *laughs* No really.....I'm cool. Besides, I interviewed with the director of operations and obviously did just fine. So what will adding 2 other people into the mix hurt, right?? After all, they're just people

I am, however, becoming aggitated with not hearing back from the non-profit. I'm getting a funny feeling that if I'm still in the pot for that position, they wont be calling until it's too late. That's going to bum me the hell out but I can't sit around and wait for them. I left a message and an e-mail with the chick who was checking my references....but nadda. All I can do is hope that whichever place pulls through first is a place that I'm happy at.

Wee-bit and I were discussing on Saturday what we wanted to be for Halloween. She has decided that she wants to be a super cat. I think that I want to be ..................

I mean I love fairies. So why not be an evil fairy princess? Okay, I might not look like Lenore up there....but I want to dress in all black....with some crazy make-up....Mwahahahaha........Wee-bit wants her dad to dress up as Spider Man. He doesn't want to dress up. Party pooper.

Yesterday we all showed up at my grandma's house to surprise her for her 75th birthday. She was most pleased. Although she is not wanting to get older. I was complimenting her on her make-up as her skin looked really good. She took me to her bathroom and showed me her bag of goodies and told me, "I'm not going to age gracefully. I'm not going to age at all! And with modern science being what it is, you should age either." It was a good time.

Now, I need to cut this short because I need to check in with my step dad. His appointment with his doc was today and he was seriosuly frazzled about it. He's scared they wont let him go to Iraq. He wants to go so bad......So I'll check in with him, call my sister, then go watch the first 15 minutes of WWE with Brandon and then crash. Besides, I have a few things I want t talk to Brandon about...and we usually have a small amount of evening time to do our chatting....

Wow.....I'm such the party animal these days.

P.S. My word verification is antwx. What's up with that?

BlipbleepblopbooptinkBOING

2007-09-13T01:44:00.000-07:00

or explodes......

I'm on a good bit of caffeine today. I woke up this morning and the sky was a bit over-cast, the air a bit nippy and it just felt like coffee weather. So, I made me a pot. Three cups later, and my head stopped hurting. (Six cheers to decent coffee!) For the most part, I'm taking over-the-counter migraine stuff which has a hefty dose of caffeine in it. So three cups of coffee is a bit shy of the stuff I'm taking. My aunt and her friend have also been experiencing the headache phenom......I'm convinced that there is something going on....something....like a conspiracy.

My step-dad is coming home from Houston, TX. He didn't pass the first round of physical testing to go to Iraq. They found that his cholesteral and his blood sugar count was too high and so they want him to bring it down before they ship him out. Yippie for me but boo for him. He really wants to go.

Still no word on the job yet. Wait...not true. I went back on Tuesday for a second interview with the CEO's and that went very well. I know I have the job but I'm waiting for the official word. Why the wait? They're checking my references. They called me yesterday because they are having difficulty getting anything back from my references. Hopefully, I'll hear something today. Otherwise, I have another interview on Friday with an IT company that works with the State's Government. It's an office manager position. As if you couldn't tell, my fingures are crossed for the non-profit...even if it is less money.

As I was typing this, the non-profit called because they are still having issues with references. No one wants to call them back. Grrrrrrrr..........

AND NOW......they cleared up my reference for Big Gig but are still having an issue with Little Insurance....I tracked down the HR person for them to get Non-Profit someone to talk to. Bloody hell! I should have done my own reference check for Pete's sake!!

So...I had instant messaged my sista (at Big Gig) for a couple of phone numbers and found out that she will be coming up my way this weekend. Groovey! We've scheduled a Starbucks date on Saturday. I can't wait. It's hard to believe that it will officially be one year since we last saw each other. Time flies by too quick.

This Sunday, my family is suppose to get together for a surpise birthday party for my grandma. She'll be 75 this year. We're a little bit scattered on this because we were all too busy with life to really make it a plan. But.....most of us will get together and most of us will have fun. This will be the third weekend in a row that we've had to travel. I'm getting a little tired of traveling.

I have to say, I think I'm really feeling blue. For the life of me, I just can't seem to muster up an ounce of happy. For a brief moment, I was happy when I found out my step dad was coming home. And even then, my sister said I didn't sound all that excited. I'd like to think I'll be excited to get this job. Hell, I thought I'd be happy once I began interviewing. But it just seems to be such a stressful thing. I am having a difficult time mustering up the energy to move around to do stuff. Which fucking sucks in a very bad way. I like being active...but to not want to move....is....like......WELL HELL! I'll take a nap instead!

I'm like Eeyore. "Ohhh hum.....pouty poopy do." Not so much poor me...but...more like...indifferent to everything. Where in the hell did my ambition go? Where is my happy-go-lucky, zest for life? Something just isn't right with me....................

Scattergories

2007-09-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, the trip to Washington was amazing. We had so many wonderful little adventures along the way that it made for a completely joyous yet sad trip. We were heartbroken to have to return back to Sac. The first thing Brandon said when we got into Sac was, "Yup. I didn't miss this at all. I mean I missed our stuff and our pets but definitely not THIS." That says a lot coming from Brandon.

My Step-dad left this morning to go to Houston, TX to do his physical exam. If he passes, he'll be immediately shipped to Iraq. It's safe to say, we wont see him until around this time next year. That is unless I can save up enough money to fly out to meet him over there. That is actually sort of a thought he was having. He wants my mom to fly out to France and then he can spend a week with her. After all, he does get leave time. So.....we'll see. I'd like to go out to France just to see France but if it means I get to see my step-dad as well, big bonus.

We went to visit with him yesterday and were given top secret codes in case the government should call us in case of an emergency, i.e., being held hostage. It was a bummer but it was nice to see him and just talk small talk with him. I think that this was something he really wanted to do. He should have been a fireman.

So....I've been having these migraines off and on since July. July 24th to be exact. Most of the time they are tolerable but there are days when they are more intense. Originally, I thought it was from a serious sinus infection. But a specialist took a look at me on Friday and told me that it's the migraines that are making the blood vessels in my sinus cavity swell up. He said that at this point, either my primary doctor will prescribe me migraine meds or they will opt to have a neurologist do a CT Scan on me to figure out what it is that's causing the migraines. Lovely. I'm thinking that my doctor may opt to have the CT Scan done. He's pretty thorough when it comes to examining issues. And being that I do not have a history of migraines, this could be something serious. Even if it is.....I'll be fine. I've got too many things I want to accomplish to let a stupid head pain keep me down. But the pain does get to be crazy and it makes me tired. So I'll just have to take more naps. :)

Tomorrow I have a job interview with a non-profit that assists people with physical and mental disabilities to live independent lives. I'm pretty excited about it and I'm hoping I get the job. I want to get into the non-profit sector for one and for two, I want to do something worthy. Not just work at another corporation for THE MAN. Piss on that noise. I'll update and let everyone knows how that goes.

I talked to my cousin tonight. I know she wanted to know about her father getting out of prison and so I relayed the info to her. She also wanted to discuss the wonderful find that Brandon had found in his genealogy research. Did I mention this before? Brandon had found my grandfather (my mother's dad) through Ancestry. My missing grandfather was a huge mystery for several years...decades perhaps. No one knew where he had went...not even my Aunt Johnnie (his sister). So...after close to 7 years of research, Brandon had located him....well his grave....in Washington State. My cousin, being that she is in this same lineage as I, is very into the genealogy. She never knew we were Indian either. It's something that she too finds herself being very proud of.

My daughter took the liberty of leaving school last Tuesday. Why? Because she missed her mom. No one knew she had left until recess was over and all the kids had gone back into class. I was pretty angry that she took off but more angry that the school didn't contact me about it. They simply waited until I came to pick her up after school. Crazy that a six year old could make it off of a school campus without being noticed.....even a bit scary.

That's enough scattered non-sense from me for one post. I'll hit ya on the flip side. :)

ROAD TRIP! - The photo blog entry

2007-09-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

This is our trip to Washington via photos. I'll share the stories later.

The sunrise on Friday, August 31, 2007 about one hour north of Sacramento, CA

This is Mt. Shasta

Yreka, CA - The last "town" before leaving California. And then there is Fort Jones...

We drove for nearly 200 miles with only trees as our scenery. Once we got closer to Salem, OR, our view changed to this.......

I didn't take pictures of Salem, although there were a couple of things that I would have liked to have shared with you all. For instance, the weird college dude with a 2' mohawk walking down the street singing to himself would have been highly entertaining....but alas....we were too tired and a bit dissappointed with the little town.

The next morning, we set out to get to Amboy, WA. We stopped at a cute little town named Woodburn, OR and fell in love with it. Although....again...no pictures. SORRY!

So next......

Welcome to Portland, OR!

Portland, OR

Portland, OR

And then here we are entering Washington! Vancouver, WA to be exact.

After getting a little lost...and traveling through pretty much no man's land, we arrived at Aunt Donna and Uncle David's lovely home in Amboy, WA.

We had such an incredible time up there with it's total seclusion from the big city life. But the strange thing is, even up there, IN THE BIG CITY, the big city life isn't the same as it is here in California. They drive MUCH slower, the air is much cleaner and the people are extemely pleasant. The people pump your gas in Oregon. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?

But, because we didn't want to drive 600 miles back home on Monday, we opted to drive it back on Sunday. It wasn't bad at all....a little long but not bad. On Sunday morning, we all gathered for an early morning breakfast (THANK YOU AUNT DONNA!!) and a strong cup of coffee. After we finished eating, Brandon and I sat out front and watched the sunrise over Mount St. Helens while listening to coyotes and roosters greet the day. It was (in every sense of the word) a very peaceful experience. And the smell......I cannot tell you enough about the smell!! It was the sweetest, minty smell I've ever smelled in my life! Almost as good as the smell in Carson City, Nevada. Actually the two are incomparable. They are both very beautiful smells!

So we headed out.....

This is a picture of a blueberry farm outside of Amboy, WA covered in morning fog.

On our way back, we stopped in this little town (very cute too) of Battle Ground, WA for our Starbucks fix....

And through it all, wee-bit hung in there very well. She was often found playing or coloring, but sometimes just napping.

Coffee, tea, and Zzzzzzzzzzz

2007-08-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

I know how some of you really wanted to know this.........

You Are a Cappuccino

You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new.
However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like.
You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation.
You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind of Coffee Girl Are You?

I had my first cappuccino when I was 13. My older sister took me to my first ballet (The Nutcracker) for my birthday in downtown San Jose. Afterward, she took me to a swank little beatnik coffee house where she ordered me a cappuccino and we giggled over the fact that I couldn't stay awake through the whole thing. Good memories.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wee-bit started first grade this passed Monday. The first day, she hated it because she wasn't allowed to play in the classroom. But after that day, she loved it. She is eager to get up in the mornings to do it again. She's making friends and there is a little boy (named Brandon) who seems to have a little boy crush on her. He keeps playing with her hair. *chuckles*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I went back to the doctor's office on Tuesday to see what the hell is wrong with me. He couldn't quite determine what it was but thought that perhaps my allergies were what is causing my sinus cavity to swell and compress my brain. He prescribed me a nasal spray that reduces swelling and keeps me from sneezing. I'm gradually noticing a difference. Perhaps it was my allergies?? Regardless, I have an appointment at the beginning of September to see a nasal specialist. Hopefully they will be able to fix it once and for all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm very tired today. So tired that I'm actually sort of nodding off while typing this. Hell, I can't type worth crap so I'm sure I'll need to use spell check on this bad-boy. But you've been warned....my grammar may very well suck on this post.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm still trying to get back on at Big Gig. My sweet sista, Jinga' has been really helping me out with this so I know if I get re-hired, I'll have to kick down with something special for her. On Monday, I spoke to one of the recruiters there and she told me about a position that is actually located in Oregon. I told her to sign me up for it if she couldn't get me on for the position that I'm applying for. But the recruiter has a track record of taking sometimes as long as four weeks to get something solidified.....I guess she gets busy. So Jinga' forwarded my resume to the hiring manager. All I can do is hope it moves a little bit quicker. My heart is set on getting back with Big Gig because the opportunity to be able to relocate and remain employed is there but I can't really wait around for them either. So I'm also interviewing and applying at other places. Wait and see......no. But hopefully it'll happen. I feel pretty optimistic about it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was talking to my sister yesterday about wanting to get moved. Being the absolute positive person she is, said that I'm really going to get into trouble if I make this move or continue to push it the way I am. As if I'm setting myself and my family up to fail. I don't think anyone realizes that this isn't just a wishful thinking thing. It's like.....deep down in my soul....deeply rooted.....the desire to make a home there. And if anyone really knows me, they know that when I have my mind set on something, I stop at nothing to achieve it. I'm very passionate about getting moved and settled. And because of this as well as my desire to protect my family, I'm doing everything in my power to set it up for success. Yeah I'm doing things in an unconventional manner. But I've never been one to do things that I didn't think would be positive. And when it comes to making plans for my family, I tend to play it safe. I know I can afford to make mistakes with my life. However, I cannot afford to make a mistake with my family's lives. It just frustrates me.....frustrates me that things aren't going the way I need them to. But then, I really do need to wait until we take our trip. That will give me a very good idea and it may turn out that the area I'm really interested in, isn't so great after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Disgusting fact: I have a deer hide in my freezer. Our weird neighbor Ron and his buddy Bones went deer hunting last weekend. They came home with a little (as in size) buck and I asked if I could have some of the hide when they skinned it. Why would I want buck skin? I want to make my own shaman drum and a pouch. I have enough to do it, I think. I just need to find a taxidermist and find out how much it'll cost to tan the hide and what-not. I have to admit, I have a very hard time going into the freezer with that in there. For awhile, I'd gag just a little in my mouth. It's not that bad anymore but I still avoid the freezer. And to be honest, it was really hard for me to ask for the hide. I don't like the idea of sport hunting at all. But I knew that the hide would go to waste.....and that is a dishoner to the deer's spirit. His spirit should be honored for his bravery. I need to not be so sqeemish about it.

UPDATE: I found a local sporting company who will do it for $6.50/sq. ft. That's really good since I was running into guys telling me it would cost anywhere from $75-$150 regardless of how much or how little I had.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Blog things....updates.....just because

2007-08-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

I've missed doing these little blog things. They're so much fun......

You Are 44% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul.

You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Your Kiss is Red

You are intense about kissing but easily distracted.
You kiss for attention, power, and passion.
It doesn't take a lot for you to want to kiss someone.
If you see a kissing opportunity, you always go for it!

Kissing Type: Kissaholic (admit it!)

People See Your Kisses as: Seductive

You Kiss Best With: An Orange Kisser

Stay away from: A Blue Kisser

What Color Is Your Kiss?

Your Drag Queen Name Is:

Iva Fetish

Drag Queen Name Generator

You May Be a Bit Schizotypal...

A bit odd and socially isolated.
You couldn't care less of what others think.
And some of your beliefs are a little weird.
Like that time you thought you were Jesus.

What Personality Disorder Are You?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination.
You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

So....wee-bit is now registered for 1st grade. She starts next Monday. I'm so worried......and nervous and....all those other mommy things. My baby is growing up. However, that did not stop her from putting an AC adapter in her mouth while it was still plugged in. Yeah...she did that....yesterday. Today, she decided that she was hungry and raided my bread. Right now, she's grounded to her room. I love my child but sometimes I just want to beat her butt.

My step-dad, who I love very much, is getting ready to leave for Iraq. Yeah...you read that right. He's always wanted to serve in the military but couldn't because he was an only son. Now, he has a chance to take a government contract as a driver over there and he's going for it. I don't want him to go, even if it is for one year. That's one year too long in my opinion. But his thinking is, the money will be REALLY good and this will give him the opportunity to retire comfortably. I asked my husband, "Why doesn't he just go drive in Antarctica? They pay well too!"

One of my cousins that I'm not suppose to speak to.....(yeah right)......his girlfriend is in labor right now. Actually, she may have delivered by now. This will be my cousin's 5th child. He's 31. Congratulations to them both!

My sister recently came to a very important understanding of my family's dysfunctional nature. She was discussing our uncle (child-molester) and how the family has swept what he has done under the rug and portrays him as being innocent with her therapist. To my sister's surprise, the therapist advised my sister to keep her children away from my uncle at all costs. I say surprise because my sister was made to believe that not only was he innocent, he was rehabilitated. *laughs* Hardly rehabilitated if he continues to serve his probation in and out of prison. Once this eye opening fact manifested in my sister's head, she became very worried about how the family would react to her....knowing full well they'd announce that she was over-reacting and quite possibly disown her. Her therapist said that if this was the case, then my sister truly needs to take it with a grain of salt and acknowledge their dysfunction. Welcome to realty, Steph. So upon she and I discussing this, we have made the decision that it's time for the bullshit games to stop. However, we have no idea how to approach it. I'm actually beginning to believe that a Dr. Phil intervention would be the best way to do it but then that would totally disgrace the reputation that my grandmother has tried for so long to protect. It is truly a tangled web that we weave.

I'm still struggling with being sick. I can't figure out why my sinuses are still plugged to holy hell or why I keep getting really bad headaches every evening. Nor can I fully explain the feeling of being nauseous all day. And my retarded doctor still hasn't called me back! It could be an ear infection or a really bad sinus infection. Hell....it's been three weeks since I first got sick. I would hope by now that whatever is wrong is fixing itself.

In about 2 weeks, we're driving north! Yippie!! I'm really excited. Brandon tells me this road trip will be too long for me to enjoy. I beg to differ. I love road trips with him. Especially when I don't have to drive because then I can take the time to enjoy the scenery. But this road trip.....this is filled to the brim with anticipation. I finally get to see Oregon and parts of Washington, I get to see places that I've been contemplating moving to, PLUS - I get to see Brandon's aunt and uncle! I soooooo cannot wait. And it totally helps that people Brandon has been talking to say that the area's we're going to be exploring are really beautiful. You can certainly expect pictures from this road trip. Guaranteed!

Anyway...that's the updates for now. I'll get back to you soon on more news.

Tag - you're it!

2007-08-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

The Angry Piper tagged me. The Angry Piper is not known for doing these little internet blog things but he did and DAMNIT! He tagged me. I feel special. *grins*

The Rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and that they should read your blog.
5. 8 is a magic number. Not three.

Fact #1. I am 5'4". When I was in sixth grade, my teacher measured my height and I was 5'6". Somehow, I have manged to shrink 2 inches in 19 years. At this rate, by the time I'm 80, I'll be 4' 8". Sweet.

Fact #2. I really love espresso drinks. I'm a big fan of Starbucks but my taste buds are not limited solely to Starbucks. A long time ago, I used to drink something known as a Tripper from a little coffee shop in Morgan Hill known as The Coffee Roasting Club. It's basically a sweet Vietnamese coffee with too much chocolate. Mmmmmmmmmmm! If you have no idea what a Vietnamese coffee is, I implore you to go out and find one, add too much sugar and chocolate to it, maybe even some ice and enjoy.

Fact #3. I like sushi so long as it's wrapped with a soy wrap and not seaweed. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you're not a sushi snob.

Fact #4. I like to cook desserts. I know how to cook other things but nothing says lovin' like some fresh baked cookies from the oven.

Fact #5. I have a habit of keeping my clothes organized by item. On the left side are my shirts, the right side are skirts and pants. On the other side are my dresses. I get cranky if they are not in order and have a difficult time not organizing my husbands clothes in the same manner. I do organize my daughter's closet in the same way as mine though so I have an easier time finding something for her to wear.

Fact #6. I snore and drool in my sleep. *grins*

Fact #7. I do random things. For instance, I bust out in song when there is nothing being said. I begin a sentence in the middle of my thought process, making it sound like I've been having a conversation with someone when no one has said anything. I dance when no one is looking....in the grocery store. *snicker*

Fact #8. My color pallet is winter. In case no one knows what the hell that means, my skin color will only allow me to wear cold colors such as Emerald, Ruby, Sapphire (Navy Blue), Amethyst and BLACK. Plus, I just really love black. But if I were to actually go out into the sun and get some color, I could wear a Summer pallet.

TAG: I demand the following bloggers write eight things about themselves: Tainted Love, Brandon, Toyi (get a blog started, damnit!), Dr. Murk, Hojo, Trashman, Hobbs, and Dr. Mantodea

Weeeeeeeeeeeee (yet another adventure with me)

2007-08-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been here in a really long time. But ya know, I totally got lost in my happy place. And then, I found myself stuck in this dark place for like....TWO WEEKS!! And so now, here I am! CRAZY!!!

So, Brandon got a new truck awhile back. Brandon's so damn sexy looking when driving it. *purrr* It's a midnight blue, 4 door, Ford F150. This thing quickly replaced my car's lot as being the family car. I love it! And as I said, Brandon looks so sexy driving it. The gas mileage is less then desirable but it's a wonderful work truck as well as spacious family ride.

Naturally having a new truck means taking road trips. ROAD TRIP! We first drove down to see my sister, just for the hell of it. Then we drove to South Lake Tahoe, stopped, played in the lake, continued to Carson City, Nevada (which has the greatest smell EVER!), on to Reno, Nevada for some dinner at the Silver Legacy Casino (I HATE RENO!!!) and then back home. All in one day! I've always loved driving around with Brandon. Even back when we were dating, we'd drive around in his little teal Ford Ranger and I loved it.

So how did we come about buying a new truck? His old one pretty much died. Don't get me wrong, it was a good truck and he put a lot of miles on it. But it was just tired. Plus the bill to fix it was so high, we couldn't fix it. And (as we recently found out), our credit kept us from financing the repair. That's a different story all together.

We were suppose to be moving this month but this has been pushed back. Don't think it isn't going to happen because we're much closer to moving then most people would assume. Anyway, because of the financial issue with the truck, our financial stability was shaken up quickly. This left us pretty broke! But don't look at me like I'm having an issue. I'm not. In my mind, I'm pretty fucking wealthy and still walking on sunshine. Discouraged for the short-term but always looking at the long term with "daydream believer" optimism.

Okay...so for now, I have to go to work. But then we ran into the issue of, "Who will take care of wee-bit so that I can go back to work?" "No one." was the resounding answer for almost 4 weeks. Every place was either booked or too expensive. I couldn't even interview because I didn't have someone to watch her. Yesterday, at my wits end with absolute frustration, I resorted to asking a psychic. (ME! Asking a psychic for guidance!! WTF has this world come to?!?!?!) She reassured me that with persistence, I would have a reliable person to take care of my daughter and allow me to move forward as I am meant to in two weeks time. Talk about relief.

Oddly, yesterday after receiving this info, I found a person who doesn't sound flaky and can actually make sure wee-bit gets picked up and is taken care of until Brandon can get her. And she's reasonably priced which is even better! Again, relief.

Today, I found out that my old company (Big Gig) is hiring for a specialized position that I tried for nearly three years to get into. I have applied for it and am hoping that I can get it. If not, I have another position that I am eager to pursue with the state as a project assistant. I am thinking of calling one of the Project Managers that I used to work with at Big Gig for his input as he used to work for the state's DOJ department.

Now, back to this moving thing. It may be very possible that we are not meant to relocate to this place. I am not entirely convinced of this. When I win the lottery, I will be convinced of this and thus relocate to Malta (an island 60 miles south of Sicily) or Kuala Lumpur. No seriously, I'd probably move someplace close to the coast over here on the west side but I'd travel quite a bit. Anyway, I don't have the check yet so I am still determined to relocate to Salem, OR. So dedicated am I to this that I went out and got a pre-approval for a home loan (which is how we found out about or credit history being incorrect). It isn't enough for my dream home but it is enough to buy a nice home. But seeing as how we're still a bit financially strapped........we can't move! I swear.....I think something is conspiring to keep me from moving north. So...if not north...then where?!?!?!?

I refuse to move to the East Coast.....I hate it there. No offense to my friends over there. I don't do well with most folks who live in old money territory. Sure, there are some very beautiful places over there. But I don't have that lottery check yet which means I can't afford to live there. Hell, I can barely afford California!

I will not move to the southern states because I'd kill almost all of their prejudice asses in the first week. Plus I'm not too fond of the heat or humidity. Again, there are some really pretty places down south. My mom was showing me some places in Arkansas that would take your breath away and it's VERY cheap there. But.....ya know.....tornadoes....hurricanes....sure that sounds like a good time to me. But Brandon says' he'll pass.

Montana has an appeal to me. I like the mountains, the trees, the change of season with real winters. It's not at all densely populated. The cost of living is reasonable but I'm not near the ocean. And again, Brandon says he'll pass. I've always wanted to move to Hawaii. Yeah, the volcano in the middle of the ocean could present itself to be risky but it's very beautiful there. Although I'm not too fond of all the meth heads there. To be honest, I'm sort of looking for a Charley Brown neighborhood without moving to Minnesota.

What about Brandon? Well......he's set on moving north. Specifically, he's looking at the Portland/Vancouver area. He will not move to the southern states because "they're all a bunch of red-neck hicks". He will not move to the mid-west states because, "they're all a bunch of red-neck hicks". He will not move to the east coast because he " doesn't like hurricanes". It seems that we have narrowed it down to the west coast then. He will not stay in California because "it costs too much to live here". Safely I can tell you Idaho (too many hicks), Montana (too much snow, too many hicks), Nevada (too much of nothing), Arizona (too hot) and Utah (forget it!) are out of the question. That leaves us with Oregon and Washington. I like having options. Don't you?

So for 2 weeks I've been sick. It started out with this feeling like I had clenched my teeth all night. My jaw hurt and my head hurt weird. By the end of the day I was in so much pain that I was trying not to cry. I even took one of Brandon's Tylenol with codeine to try and shake the pain but nothing worked. By the end of the night, I was throwing up because it hurt so bad. The next day was no better. I couldn't eat, I couldn't keep my eyes open, every sound felt like it was going to vibrate my head off of my shoulders. I was in so much pain that I seriously thought my brain was going to erupt. I continued taking Brandon's pain killers but with no success. Again, by the end of the day, I was throwing up. Later that night, I woke up because the pain had settled to one side of my head. That's when I realized that it was a sinus infection. I went to the doctors and he gave me antibiotics. I took the full 8 day supply but the pressure hasn't really left yet. I've resorted to taking Advil Allergy to keep the pressure from re-building so that I can function without getting dizzy. Never a dull moment with me.

Wee-bit cut her bangs all the way off last night. Seriously, she has no bangs, Just little spikes of hair where her bangs used to be. This is only the fourth time she has decided to cut her hair on her own but this would be the first time that mom cannot fix the boo-boo.

Over a month ago, I was applying for a position that required the certificate number off of my degree. I couldn't find my degree so I I didn't apply. However, I did find a really old poem that I had written for Brandon while we were still dating. It goes like this:

DolphinSeptember 22, 1997~Amongst the warming embrace of the pale moon light,A symphony cries through a whispering wind.And off in yonder, a shadow glimmersSoftly in slight silver,Releasing your mind into intuitions and heart-felt nothingsof yester.For one moment, you belong to the sea of eternityAnd you hold your breath to capture itthat much longer in your soul.For one moment, your wings spread and touch the sun of the heavens,And you reach to the stars to believe itjust a little more in your heart.A symphony cries through a whispering windand off in yonder, your shadow glimmerssoftly in slight silver,As your mind returns from sharing intuitionsand heart felt nothings of yesterin blue.

This is just a small fraction of what I've been obsessing, I mean, thinking about. I tried to catch you all up without writing a novel (it's more like a novella, wouldn't you say?). Toodles until soon!

Walking on sunshine

2007-07-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

Life is super-duper great! I am so happy right now! I am also VERY grateful. Even the radio played it.....walking on sunshine.....YES. I. AM.Peace - love - and chocolate sauce.I LOVE EVERYTHING!

.....or maybe not.

Before the crows came to be

2007-06-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

My first encounter with the Unusual was when I was 4 years old. My family used to live in Ohio, which meant there were places that had open land. Well, we lived in this old school house that was renovated into a house. Across the street was forest, behind the house was a corn field and beyond that was more forest. We literally lived in the middle of nowhere. So naturally, we had animals.

One day, I was playing with our two dogs and our 10 cats outside and came across a snake. It was just a garden snake..I think. But I wanted to chase it. From out of nowhere came this voice that told me, "Leave the snake alone." I looked around for the voice but couldn't see where it was coming from. It wasn't a voice that I recognized. But I decided that the voice must know something that I did not know, and chose to leave the snake alone while it hurriedly slithered off to the corn field. I've never seen a snake move so quickly.

Months later, my family was visiting a man who ran a little shop on a hill. I recall that the weather had turned sour and that the wind had picked up. For some stupid reason, my parents and this guy never noticed. But "they - the voices" told me that we were in danger and had to leave. I began pulling at my mother's shirt to get her attention and she persistently shushed me. Finally I stopped listening to her and made a ruckus. "MOM! LOOK!" and I pointed to the metal sheets upon the roof. As I did that, one of them flew off the little building. We immediately gathered into the car and moved back away from the building in time to see a small tornado touch down and wipe the place out. If anyone has ever lived in tornado alley, you'd know that tornadoes typically don't touch down on hills nor do they dip into river beds. But this time, it did. How did I know?

Since then, many many unexplainable things have happened to me. And that left me searching for answers. Well...that along with my mother's insistence that "hearing voices was evil". I wanted to know where this was coming from. Who was talking to me? Why did I "know" things?

As I grew, I found that I had the ability to "make" things happen or NOT happen. I had an uncanny ability to read people as well as their intentions. This left me dumbfounded but even more curious as to what was wrong with me. By 8 years old, I was convinced there was something wrong with me because even the church was in on this whole "evil" thing. Music was evil, TV was evil, being gifted was evil.

When I was 9, I was at a park with my cousin. He was all wrapped up in talking to some girl and I was having fun playing on the swings. But after some time, I heard that voice. "It's time to leave. You have to go home now." I remember that I was staring at a tree and wondering why I was hearing this voice from above me. Regardless, I knew the voice was always right and decided to leave. Good thing I did. My folks had no idea where I was at. Apparently my uncle forgot that I had left with my cousin.

I remember when I was in 5th grade, my best friend took me to have my palms read by her neighbor. That woman looked at me, looked at my hands and said, "You have a light. You're going to be traveling....oh yes. You are going to travel a lot." I had no idea that she meant that I'd be doing some other types of traveling besides holidays and vacations.

And so it went on and so forth......the voices never left. It wasn't until I was 16 years old that I would find out just what I was made of.

The first day of my junior year in high school, Shane showed up. He was dressed in all black and wearing a black trench. Naturally, this was humorous. My thing was older rocker guys, booze and pot. This guy had none of it. So....why was he even trying? I ended up be-friending him anyway. He was kind of cute and in some weird way, mysterious. I can never put down a mystery. Months later, he told me about the coven. "My mom is a witch." My first question was, "What kind of witch?" To which he replied, "The grey kind. She wants to meet you."

Now, I had never been around a coven so the idea of it was interesting. But more so, perhaps I could finally get some answers. I met Karen and was pretty floored by the short little round woman who greeted me. She did not look like a witch. But I could feel that she was way more then just a plump woman. She was powerful, and dark. The voices told me, "This is bad. Walk carefully."

Most of the time, I didn't believe half the shit she was selling. Sure, she had some interesting ideas but really....it was a bunch of hogwash. Where her strength came from was sort of a mystery to me. But there was no mistake about Shane. He was exactly everything he claimed to be. And the two of us put together was like fire and ice. Polar opposites with the ability to change time. And that is exactly what we did.

One night we had come down the hill from one of their friends/coven members house and made a stop at his house. No one was there and so we decided we were going to screw around. I lit all the candles in his room, threw on some soft ambient music and then sat down on his bed. He sat down and we looked at each other, feeling the moment, feeling romantic. We began kissing and then for some reason, I felt....different. I felt like someone else and the voices had urged me to stop. When I pulled back and opened my eyes, the room was not the room, but a stone hut and he was not him but a dark haired green eyed man with a much bigger build. I tried to ask, "What the hell is going on." But it came out Gaelic. With a smile, he responded in the same language, "We transcend time. Our path always has been and always will be." I stood up and caught my reflection in a piece of metal. It was then and in a very quick flash that I saw who I was and where I was at. Not only was I not me, but I was in another time and in another body. I closed my eyes and thought clearly about moving from another time. I wanted to try England. When I opened my eyes, it was as it was meant to be. I was in England, surrounded by trees and a rugged brown haired man stood there smiling. In a thick accent, I asked him, "What year is this?" "1562." he responded with the same type of accent. I looked around.....marvelled by what I was seeing. "Together, we are indestructible." he said but in a different tone - different accent. When I turned around, we were back in his room. I could see my reflection in the window. I somehow looked much different then I had remembered being 5 minutes before yet, I was back to the way I was.

"How did that happen? How did we just do that?" The residue of the previous two lives still simmering within me and their knowledge had been recalled into my existence. I sat down to try and take in what my sober eyes had just seen.

"No one else but you and I can do this. Shapeshifitng rooms and traveling through time is only the beginning." he was coy.....as usual. "You're the only person who's strong enough to do this with me. Not my mom or anyone else in the coven can do that." That's when I was hit......like a giant sign was slapped square in the middle of my forehead....."Michelle, you open portals. You have the ability to manifest energy, shape it, change it and create with it. There's no telling just how much you can do if trained right. You're the one my mom has been searching all her life for. THE ONE."

"Yeah right. She said the one would change water into wine. She's talking Jesus shit right there. I'm not that."

"If you weren't the one, we wouldn't have made that happen."

That was the pinnacle of our power together. Shane's hunger for more power and the need to keep up with his black art was what began his demise. He became addicted to meth and in short, chose to walk a road I wouldn't follow him on. And when I made the decision to not follow, we became natural enemies. It was the division line between light and dark, fire and ice, life and death. I couldn't stop him, therefor I couldn't save him.

The end of the story between Shane and I is black and ugly. He and I fought a hardy battle. The drug addiction by Shane and two other coven members consumed and destroyed the coven. And in the end, Karen passed away from a freak sulfur burn while being treated for asthma. One regret that I lived with for many years was that I never said goodbye....even though she did. To this day, she sends me signs.

Working with Shane taught me many of my most powerful tricks. But as time passed, everything I had learned from him, though extraordinary, paled in comparison to what I was actually fully capable of. It wouldn't be for another 12 years that I would actually be able to label it as something......rather then live with it as the Unusual.

WARNING: USELESS CRAP AND MUSIC

2007-06-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

WARNING

MUSIC: Watch your speakers, kids. My music has been re-set to auto-play and it's also on random selection.

USELESS CRAP:

You're a Visionary Philosopher! You're IQ is 133!
This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns.

The Classic IQ Test
Brought to you by Tickle

You're a Precognition! This means you have an uncanny ability to look into the future and know ahead of time what is going to happen.

While your strongest psychic talent is Precognition, Tickle also analyzed your psychic strengths in:

Retrocognition: The ability to know what happened in the past.
Clairvoyance: The ability to "see" the unknown.
Remote viewing: The ability to see physical objects at a distance.
Telepathy: The ability to tune into others' thoughts.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So not only do I have a kick ass IQ, but I'm precognitive. Ohhh don't mess with me! I'm BAD ASS!

I took quizzes while I was roaming my la-la land, trying to re-group. Weird that I could take quizzes as a distraction, huh?

Well, I wanted to let everyone know that I am recovering from my mental set-back. I'm a fighter, it just takes me time to digest what has happened and then toss the garbage out. I haven't quite tossed the garbage but I've processed it into mush. At least I can function at human levels again.

My next post is going to be me addressing something that happened to me a long time ago....it was the most fucked up time in my life. But it isn't the bad crap I went through, it's about the mystery of folded around me during that time.

"Make me laugh, say you know what you want. You said we were the real thing. So I showed you some more and I learned what black magic can do." Tori Amos

The delicate reduction in blunt force

2007-06-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

Buried at PhotoCasket.com

Raped Violated Fragmented Stupid Weak Confused Discouraged Frustrated Empty Dirty Disappointed Sad Broken Small Helpless Victimized Ignored Disrespected
Invisible Withdrawn Sick Nauseous Angry Repulsed Disengaged
Removed Out of control

This is what I am reduced to after a four hour conversation with my drunken father. For three days, I have hidden myself mentally, wishing to escape all sense of reality and hoping to bury how I feel. I blame myself for knowing I shouldn't have called. But a part of me wanted to do the right thing. "I'll make it quick." I thought. But as always, he sucked me into his dysfunctional life, coaxing me to talk to my little brother who has dropped out of school and seeking advice for his rocky marriage.

By hour four.....it was more like a bar pick-up then a Father/daughter conversation. He was discussing his sister's current boyfriend when he had brought up a conversation between the two of them pertaining to the size of cocks. I find it hard to believe that she would tell my dad that her boyfriend's 12 inch dick was the main reason why she liked the guy but according to him, she said that. To which he replied his 8 inches of fat dick was way better then any 12 inches could ever be. The entire time, I'm saying, "I don't want to hear this. This is too much information. Please stop."

Then he asked, "Could you handle having an open relationship with your husband? I mean, having him go away for a few months?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm selfish and I require attention."

"Then let me ask you this.....because I'm curious to compare my parents' generation, my generation and your generation...."

"Okay."

"How often do you have sex?"

And then to his surprise (as well as my own), I answered, "I don't give it up but maybe once a month .... my marriage isn't based on sex."

Why didn't I tell him to mind his own business? Oh yeah...because he was drunk and when he is drunk, he intimidates me. And so the conversation continued.

"What the hell is wrong with you? He's going to leave you if you don't take care of him. Don't you know you have an obligation to satisfy your husband's needs?"

"He wont leave me. And it's too painful...."

"Then change positions or get the doctor to look at you."

"No. I mean..I can't. It's like...after I had [wee-bit], they sewed me too tight.

"Damn! How can I get me a piece of that action? I mean......something like that of course."

He pressed on, wanting to know if I compensate for my inadequacy by giving my husband a blow job....not that I needed to suck his dick until he came in my mouth. I could have a towel readily near by. He wanted to know if I let my husband go down and eat me out....and if I enjoyed it.

"You realize you're in your 30's? You're suppose to be having the sexual time of your life right now. There is something wrong with you. I'm telling you as a man, you need to give your husband a lot more attention. He's going to start looking in other places for that piece of ass. Seriously, get yourself fixed. It's a shame for you to not want to have sex all the time....especially now."

"No."

"Are you kidding me? He WILL leave you and then what?"

"No, he wont."

"He's a guy...guys have needs and you're his wife. If he doesn't leave you, then he will get it somewhere else."

"Good for him if he felt sex was a priority but he doesn't so I have nothing to worry about."

"You must have a very patient man because I would have left your ass."

"And I'd say - Oh well....there's the door. I don't give a shit. If that's the priority then so be it but one day your dick ain't going to work. Then what? I'd rather base my relationships on more important things like intellectual compatibility."

"Are you fucking shitting me? You'd rather fucking talk?? Like about news???"

"YEAH I WOULD! News...current events....whatever interests us. We're going to grow old and if we can't hold a conversation, we're fucked."

"Fuck that." And then he followed it up with how unsatisfied he is with his sex life and how he has told his wife that she has an obligation to take care of his needs. "I don't ask for much. Someone to hold me, cuddle with me, make love with me every few days. I mean, I do everything around here (I call bullshit because I know better) and she wont even kiss me when she leaves for work. I bust my ass off all day at work and then I come home to work around the house. She can at least give that to me. But no, she has to go hang out with her friends and she has to go see her grandmother or her girlfriends come over here. They're taking away from MY time. So I told her that she can't see her friends or any of that for awhile because I need time too. And if she can't change her ways, I'm leaving." (Basically what this boils down to is that he is now asserting his control over his wife and is attempting to isolate her.)

There was more to the conversation.....but I began cutting him off by this point. And he proceeded to cry. "Thank you for calling me. Today was so fucked up but you made it better. You're so special. Please don't be mad at me. I just....I love you sooo much."

And so....as my mind began shutting down.....I hung up the phone....and went to bed only to lay there wide awake most of the night. I had managed to squeeze in a total of 3 hours of sleep. And for the last three days, I haven't had the gumption to even look at myself. It's all forced movements.....trying to be alive in a flesh-bag of nothing.

You see, this is not the first time my father has jumped the line. Most of my life he has told me about how beautiful and pouty my lips are, how my really long hair was very desirable by guys and that my having really big tits was a definite score. He's always been very critical of my appearance and making sure that I stayed thin. And when I wasn't, he'd lay into me about how fat and lazy I was.

While I was pregnant with my daughter he had made the comment about wishing I was his partner and that I would bring my little sister to Idaho, we could raise the family be one happy family. He later denied meaning anything by that.

After finally getting over it.....and contacting him again.......I'd say about a month or so ago, he sent me an e-mail of a guy getting a blow job with a sunset in the background. He apologized for the mature content and said that he thought my husband would appreciate the sunset. My thinking was "Yeah right! Why not just send it directly to my husband? What's the fucking point REALLY?"

And now this........It is apparent to me that my father has an issue with respecting the natural law of boundaries between kin.

Like being kicked in the gut repeatedly....defenseless to say anything in objection.....I took the mental rape....and then blamed myself for knowing I shouldn't had called.

And my mom says (to my little sister who felt compelled to discuss it after I had said I didn't want to)....."Well I find it hard to believe he'd say that but she should've known better then to call." Jee...thanks for nothing, mom.

Evil Clothing Conundrum

2007-06-11T16:25:00.000-07:00

Buried at PhotoCasket.com

Brandon likes Ozzy. I do too. So he bought the new CD. When you buy the CD, you get free passes to Ozzfest. So now, we're going to Ozzfest in July. It's going to be outdoors....and really hot.

The last time I went to any type of concert that involved mosh pits, was like, 1998. I haven't had a pair of Docs since then.

Basically, I have nothing to wear.

Any suggestions?

Can I get a break please? THANK YOU!

2007-06-08T19:04:00.000-07:00

Alright....soo......for the most part....we're heading back into the right direction as far as finances go. But...(and predictably so).....some of the money has yet to arrive. Fucking hilarious! It's a check that arrives EVERY OTHER FRIDAY.....except for this Friday when we fucking need it!!!!

It's like...the fucking universe...has totally aligned to piss me right the hell off.

WHY???? Why does this happen...repeatedly.....it's so predictable that it's virtually disgusting. It's so predictable that I knew it was going to happen before I decided to stay home. And I stressed on it constantly..."Should I go back to work...should I not??" until Brandon finally told me to knock the shit off. AND THEN BAM!! It's like...the law of physics. What goes up, comes down...what goes wrong, goes really fucking crazy.

Now, not to take joy at the expense of others, I was talking to my friend Jinger today who's fiancee' isn't even working right now. Not because he's a bum or anything but because the type of work that he does...there is no work. So in essence, it could be worse. And I'm crossing my fingers that "worse" doesn't occur.

I made an attempt to do a financial forecast and it appears that if we maintain a course of action that has Brandon bringing home at least a 32 hour check every week, we should be able to just barely eek the hell out of this situation without my returning to the workforce. This with taking in account that we'd be applying for a loan to consolidate some of our major dept and then receiving his vacation check in November.......we'd have us possibly moving in mid-November or December. I receive my final check in either late October or possibly the first week of November. Cutting it close is an understatement.

The problem this presents is that wee-bit will have to start school. If I stay home, I can assure that she will be safe (because she'd be going to a ghetto-ass school or I can enroll her into a home study charter school) and that she will be able to do school work and such. If I don't stay home, we have a big problem. The before/after school providers around here are booked. There wouldn't be anyone to take Cierra to and from school and the private sector around our area is out of our financial means. In order to get her into a place where she would be taken care of and go to a quality school, we'd have to move. Brandon has made it clear that he does not want to move unless we're moving to Washington- thus this isn't an option. So then....how would I go back to work if I don't have a way to get wee-bit into school or have anyone to take care of her? This would be the first time I have been torn on my daughter's well-being and our financial security.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My little sister and I are in a heated conversation about changing the world. What started it was this:

My mom is thinking about leaving my step-dad. Go ahead...ask me why. Please....ask me why. Well, I'll tell you! For awhile now, they have been having serious financial issues. Theirs got to be pretty crazy though. And so....it came down to my mom having to go back to work. And at some point she became so frustrated that she told me step-dad that either he pitched in to help her get matters straightened out or she would be leaving him. Now...to give you some back story here....my step-dad is a truck driver. He's on the road all week. There were times when he'd be gone for longer then a week. He's not easily available to make phone calls to bill collectors or what have you. So...my mom basically felt she was on her own with resolving this. But then things started to smooth out and he pitched in as best as he could to ease the load off of her. Apparently, this is not enough for her. So what she really meant to say was that he doesn't make enough money for her and she's had enough of living her middle-class life and she wants more...a lot more.

BUT Wait! There's more! She also is unhappy with his inability to sexually satisfy her. Look...he's a diabetic and ya know......his manly stuff doesn't work anymore. I can't fathom what that must be like for him but I'm sure that he is very uncomfortable about it. And my mom tosses out these snide remarks to my sister about how Viagra doesn't work for him. Well...shit.....if your biggest bitch is that you ain't gettin' none anymore.....GET OVER IT! But it isn't. She's tired of being alone (after 13 years of being married to a person whom she knew was, is, and always will be a truck driver), she doesn't' love him like a wife should love a husband, she doesn't get none and he's not very affectionate any more. You know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like she' s got her eye on someone else. She's done this shit before.

So......my sister and I are discussing this.....and then we get on the topic of how America has lost sight of what is important. She decides that she thinks that the American people have lost their moral. Then she decides she wants to change it. I agree with her that it needs to be changed. No one cares anymore and that really does need to change. So she decides that she and I need to work on this together however, we can't seem to agree on the tactic used. My sister wants to tackle it from an extreme Christian point of view. She wants to bring prayer back into school and have the bible taught. Which I really don't agree would be the right way to approach changing the public's morals. She also wants to take on the NAACP because she thinks Jesse Jackson is ridiculous. She'd like to see everyone put more "prude" back into their lives.

The more I think about it, the more it seems she has an agenda that I don't want to participate in. I'd love to create or teach our culture to have respect for it's Elders and establish moral values instead of teaching their children that what matters most are material possessions. But to take on the NAACP because they are jerks? Uhm.....if we did our job right, the NAACP wouldn't need to exist.

Discussing this with Brandon proved to be a bit frustrating because he says that their are too many people to change. It would be next to impossible to get that many people to change their way of thinking. He's right in that neither my sister nor myself could change everyone, but I know that change can be possible when presented the right way. And I know that it could make a big enough impact that it would start something for future generations to continue.

But how?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have added Along the Road (Chapter 2) to Tainted Love's Erotic Tales. I'm anxious to get Chapter 3 out there for everyone to read as well as the finisher, Chapter 4. I also modified that page a little bit. If it sucks, Tainted-Love will make me fix it. :) (I love you, hunny-buns!)

I've also found some new Shaman links that seem to have some interesting info. It's so hard to get back into studying right now with my brain being pre-occupied with everything else. I guess it's almost better that I don't study right now but I should at least be practicing some Buddhism techniques to keep myself grounded and centered through this. I'm slacking....not good at all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Can someone please send some positive energy, positive thoughts and prayers to get me through this? Thanks friends.

Can it really be?

2007-06-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

So....recently I have had a little bit of time to pay attention to my blog as well as the other blogs that I contribute too. I was astonished to reflect back on this blog today and see that it is approaching its three year mark this July.

Wow.

I can't believe that I have managed to keep an online journal for three years.

THREE YEARS!

What is even scarier is that I have manged to take a few readers along for the ride for almost as long. You poor bastards. I'm so sorry. No.....not really.... *grins*

And now back to our regularly scheduled pity party followed by a another episode of ranting.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I have expressed recently, Brandon got really sick. We still have no idea what the hell happened to him but I can happily report to you all that he is doing better. Thank the heavens for that!

But sadly, I can also report to you that because of his line of work, he did not get paid for any of his time off. We expected that. But unfortunately he didn't get paid for the time he did work, so his check wasn't deposited like it usually is. We weren't expecting that. So that left us officially overdrawn in our checking account by $230, which we had to get a loan to try and cover. But....we have other issues that need to be addressed, such as his truck's clutch went out and requires $400 to repair.

See what one week of mysterious illnesses can get you? A large accumilation of bills....and I've only mentioned a few of them.

Now, granted, it stresses me out that this all happened in the space of two weeks. But to be perfectly honest with you, I'd rather have an issue with money then have an issue with my husband's health. Money problems can get fixed. Health problems are not always so easy to change. As long as he's healthy and my daughter is healthy, and as long as we love each other, that is all that matters!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Have I mentioned that Brandon has been following the Axl Rose Sideshow Circus aka GN'R?? I have determined that the more I hear about this guy, the more I want to bash his face in. Here is a guy who is so obsessed with himself that he can't even see passed his plastic surgery. He has a total lack of respect for the fans that have helped build the GN'R empire not to mention he doesn't even have a love for what he's attempting to create. He's doing it for the money and notoriety. And if he really did love what he was doing, he'd get his ass out on the stage at the scheduled time because he'd be excited to do what he loves instead of making fans wait for three hours only to quickly get through 15 songs of previously released shit. No one wants to hear him sing "Welcome to the Jungle". We can go to a Steven Adler show if we want to hear that.

What it boils down to is that he's a fucking bitchy bi-polar diva who has too many ass kissers telling him how perfect his ass-cheeks are. It also boils down to him needing money to continue to live the life-style that was built around an empire that was created by Izzy, Slash, Duff and Steven (later Matt). Perhaps one day we may here Axl's version of GN'R but chances are that China will become a democratic country and the US will elect a woman as President before that happens.

In the meantime, I propose a ban on Axl until he understands that his fans are the reason why his bills get paid. Without music for the fans to love, without respect to the fans who have supported him, there should be no fans to support Axl which equals no more money to finance his precious lawyers or his artistic vision (that he has no intention of allowing to see the light of day because it isn't absolutely the most PERFECT piece of music to ever be composed), Chinese Democracy.

And those stupid obnoxious fans who swear that "Chinese Democracy starts now", OMFG. You really are an ignorant bunch and Axl has played you all for fools.....sheep who are eager to hand him money for accomplishments that were set by band members that have moved on to do other, GREAT things. Don't get me wrong, the people he employs now are wonderful musicians however, they are not writing songs. They are merely giving Axl pieces that he has producers mix together and then he later adds vocals. It's a machine and he's the one at the wheel. You're just pieces of the machine that blindly follow his not-so-mysterious plans. Get a grip and find a real musician to admire and to give your hard earned money to.

For those who are curious as to what some of the new stuff sounds like, you can click on THIS LINK for a gander. The download is located at the bottom of the page and you can thank Brandon for his expert investigating skills in finding this.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last weekend we saw Spider-Man 3. Don't see it, it sucks. We also saw Pan's Laberynth on DVD. Even though it is in a different language, it is a very beautifully shot fantasy picture. I highly recommend it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Some other interesting news: Not last week or the week before.....but the week before THAT....(three weeks ago??) I found my ex-best-friend on MySpace. My ex-best-friend is still with my ex-boy-friend. In fact, they are "happily married" and have "two children". Who would have ever thought? They live not too far from me down in Patterson. Actually, they're closer to my mom and little-sister. I guess as long as she's happy......

Yes it hurts. Not because she is with my ex. It's because she (and two other best friends at the time) ditched me after I started dating him because she hated my ex and now she's married to his lazy, stoner ass. I can only hope that he has changed but I'm almost certain that he has not. Whatever floats her bloat.

I also found out (due to finding the other person on MySpace) that one of my other ex-best-friends lives very close by....about 10 miles up the road. Thank God I haven't run into her while I've lived here.

And on this note of finding people.....I was also contacted recently by an old friend from my highschool era, Potatohead. THAT was an interesting experience. Mind you, we didn't nickname him Potatohead because of his looks. He's actually an average looking guy. But we nicknamed him that because we could never pronounce his last name.

He was the guy that all us highschool girl's loved because of his connections with all the really hot hair-metal guys in local bands. It also helped that he was over 21 and able to contribute alcohal to our parties.....and we had lots of parties.

So last week, we spent time exchanging e-mails and reminiscing about the "good-ole-days", even though we both agree they weren't all that great. It's kind of funny the things you can recall when you're sober. It's also funny how a person who was a party acquintence can emerge as sort of a friend years later in your life. I'm hoping that no one else pops up out of the blue to find me.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Hope you enjoyed the read. Cheers!

A fresh face

2007-06-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I spent the better part of two hours re-vamping the look of my blog. I am most pleased with my accomplishments thus far. I'm sure later down the road I'll find something else I need to tweek though.

I also posted the beginning of a story on Tainted Love's Erotic Tales. Please feel free to stop by and leave a comment.

But for now, since it is after 11pm, I'm going to cut this short. Until soon....

Cheers!

I see you..........

2007-05-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

Someone attempted to access my blogs this morning utilizing an old log-in. Actually, they attempted it twice. How do you I know?

Well....

Seeing as how the person who was doing this did not know that Blogger is now affiliated with Google, they did not know that you need a Gmail account to log on. Which also means, they didn't know I was going to get an e-mail at me gmail account stating:

"This email is a response to your request for information about the Blogger account with the username blkfaery.

This account has been associated with the Google Account eat.shit@getalife.org. You must use this email address to log in to Blogger from now on."

Do you know what this information tells me? Well, being that it was 6:15am and 6:17am and being the method used to do so, it tells me that it isn't the only person on this planet who has my password and had somehow managed to forget it. It also tells me that it is someone who knows me but doesn't know that I no longer use HOTMAIL. An old "friend" perhaps with nothing better to do?

Regardless....
Here is my message to the goof-ball who attempted to log on to my blog: Stop wasting your time with trying to access my blogs and spend some time furthering your education for future betterment. There isn't anything behind the scenes that hasn't already been put into the public eye. And if your intent to break into my blog was of ill-intent and your intent was to do something malicious, then you really need to get a life. Seriously, you're pathetic.

Cheers!

The trials and tribulations of investigating ghosts...

2007-05-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

Well.....more like...phantom....pains?

My poor husband has been experiencing agonizing abdominal pain for this passed week. So, to determine what this pain is, he's had to go through what I like to call....Kaiser Permanente Red Tape Hell.

On Monday (when the pain began and was followed by vomiting), he was taken to the emergency room (by me) where they did an x-ray, drew a vile of blood and had him pee in a cup. Four hours later the Doc tell us he doesn't know what is wrong and sends us home....where he suffers the night in worse pain then before and proceeds to puke from said uncontrollable pain.

Tuesday he had a follow up appointment that we didn't make it to so that day, he rested. Or shall I say slept in a continuous drugged state.

Wednesday he sees the follow-up doc who says that he must have torn a muscle but requests more blood work. Since the blood work required him to have an empty stomach, we go in on Thursday.

So Thursday, they proceed to have 6 viles of blood drawn (by an exotic Swedish blonde he later tells me) and pee in another cup....we wait. The pain is still intense and therefor we make the move for a third opinion.

Today we saw a nurse practitioner who sounded a little more like she knew what she was talking about and ordered an abdominal CT Scan and more blood work.

Guess what?

THEY STILL CAN'T FIND ANYTHING!!!! None of the tests have shown anything that we can work with to help him.

Did I mention that they had been testing him for drugs??? That's hilarious!

So here is what we do know: It's not his appendix, it's not an obstructed bowel, it's not his pancreas, it's not his kidneys, and it's not his liver.

The pain and his symptoms lead us to believe that it was his appendix. But no....

It's a phantom pain.

So...to my poor husband......

Fun with movie quotes and anxiety

2007-05-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Michelle.

Which movie was this quote from?

I have a head for business and a Just Me for sin.

Which movie was this quote from?

Well.....wasn't that just fun? I thought it was. I hope you enjoy playing with your own movie quotes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now, what's up with the Procrastination Queen? Not much. It's been fun putting on my domestic hat and playing mommy. Baking stuff, helping wee-bit with art projects, cleaning....okay...the cleaning part actually still sucks just as bad as ever but I put a smile on anyway.

But there is still that part of me that feels I'm not fully contributing to my home if I'm not in the corporate world earning my share. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and nags at me. It strikes me in the middle of the day when I'm doing the dishes and I ask myself, "What the hell are you doing wasting your intellect on dishes for?" Well actually, I ask that because I really hate doing dishes. *laughs* Part of me is afraid to settle into this role when I know that once we move, I'll have to jump back into the work force. Will I want to go back to work after being able to stay home and spoil my baby girl and hubby with home cooked dinners?

And then I find that the anxiety doesn't allow me to share in the joy of actually having time to do the things I love most. I have a hard time settling in to do any artwork, I'm not interested in reading any of the plethora of books that I have purchased in the last four months, and I have a hard time being motivated to exercise.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It's a control issue. I'm not in control of something. Weird.....a once submissive woman who wanted nothing more than to be a house slave has through time manifested herself into a full fledged dominant and controlling person.

Now that she has nothing to dominate over, nothing to control, she's confused. I'm confused........

It wont last long. I know this. Aunt Flow has that nasty habit of screwing with my hormones and leaves me all out of whack for a week. Next week, I'll be right as rain on a Spring day. If only I could control my hormones.....

As far as what my plans are for myself in the near future? I have a few paintings I need to do and I have quite a few books I need to read. I also have an erotic story that needs to be written and some pics that I need to upload to my MySpace. I was toying with the idea of opening up my own website.....or should I say, my own spiritual counseling e-business. Not too sure if I'm really going to pursue that or not. Who knows.....I have a few weeks to ponder on that.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

For those of you who are mommies (or soon to be mommies)......

I have no clue what I will be doing this year....but I'm thinking it might have something to do with a snit-bit of NOTHING! I like that part. I'm thinking, maybe take one of my therapeutic hour long showers, exfoliate my face, give myself a pedi and a mani, and.....hmm.....maybe watch The Godfather marathon? Who knows, maybe I'll sit back and read one of my books. Ahhhh the options.

Wee-bit and I made gifts for the mommies in our family this year. We sent this cute painted flower that had a pic of wee-bit in the center and a cute little Mother's Day poem. My grandma got hers today which means, so did my mom and my little sister.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Well...this has turned into a semi-long typing session and it's now after 10pm. I think I'll give it a rest because I'd like to get some sort of sleep tonight. Until we meet again.......

An update and some ketchup

2007-04-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

My how time flies when we're having fun, huh?

New and updates:

~ So....I had some success on the job front but Brandon and I have decided that I will stay home and home-school wee-bit since we're so close to moving to Washington. Monday (yesterday) was my first day on the new "job". So far, so good. Today, we played at a park that was literally infested with spiders. THEY WERE EVERYWHERE. I'm not exaggerating. Everywhere you walked, you walked into spider webs. I found three of those little shits on me. I swear one of those little bastards bit me. I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!!!

~ Sunday night, we found out that Brandon's uncle Tony passed away. We've been expecting this news for some time as we both knew that his health was declining. However, he didn't pass away from a tired body. He passed away from a car accident that he and his wife were in. Heartbreaking and devastating news. I didn't really get to now him but from what I did know of him, he was a kind and witty person, much like Pa (Brandon's Grandfather). I ask everyone to please stop by Brandon's blog to see his beautiful story and memorial to Uncle Tony and to please offer your prayers/condolences.

~ Also....more really depressing news. We found out that Brandon's cousin is pregnant....with twins. Sure, this would be wonderful news except......the babies are no longer moving and the doctors cannot find their heartbeat. As of now, we're waiting to find out if she will miscarry or if she will have to have them removed.

~ I have an update on The Deck of Many Things. This is another multi-contributor forum created by Malach that I contribute to. This blog is for the purpose of visual display and Mal is hoping that one day, he will be able to publish the work contributed. If anyone is interested in it, please send an e-mail to Malach.

~ I also have an update on Scribbles. Yeeeeee! Wee-bit was asked to do something special for Aunt Janet (Tony's wife) and I thought our Spring art project would be a good idea. But she decided she wanted to do something different and that left me to play with my own imagination. It turned out better then the pictures show....but I think it needs to be matted and framed. I might just try it again with all watercolor and leave out the paper mache'......wait and see.

PLUG - FIRST EVER!!!.............

~ I found an incredible artist that I immediately fell in love with. I ask everyone to please go check her out HERE!!

This is it for now....I'm tired and a little bit sunburned so, I'm going to go to bed and cuddle with my hunny-bunny.

Nighty night, friends.

March goes marching out with a bang

2007-03-30T13:14:00.001-07:00

Fuck.

I'm speechless. OK. Maybe not so much speechless...otherwise, I wouldn't be typing here. I'm more like, dumbfounded. Perhaps even astonished.

I was fired on Wednesday. Not fired for doing something wrong....just.......terminated. "We are an at-will employer and you're no longer needed. BYE!" Which is strange because they're looking for a replacement. And stranger still, I'm totally eligable for re-hire per HR.

*sigh*

Here is what urks me the most. It's the sheer joy my ex-boss had in exercising this "at-will employment" thing. She was rather jovial in asking me to step into her office and then as she goes to sit behind her desk, she merrily tapped the desk with her hand, said my name with enthusiasm and then as she sat down with her big-shit-eating grin, said, "I've decided to exercise the at-will employement section of your contract. As of now, you are terminated."

So with a big fucking sarcastic grin on my face, I responded, "Okay!" Not once did I show her the satisfaction of my being very pissed off and hurt by this news.

And as she was escorting me out of her office, she said, "Thanks for taking this so well. I know this is hard." To which I replied, "Oh no. It's just business."

Fucking cunt.

The first thing that popped into my mind when I sat down in my car was, "Now what? WTF am I going to do now?" So, instead of dwelling on it, I went and had sushi....with my now ex-co-workers.......and WE dwelled on it together. No one understands what happened. They all knew I was busting my ass there and they all appreciated it. Perhaps she felt that her throne was in jeopardy? Who knows....

So much shit for one month...
Let's re-cap the month of March, shall we??

My aunt gets seriously ill from her cancer and then dies.

My husband who had been out of work for almost two months starts his new job 95 miles away. The pay is great but the commute much longer.

My daughter's school refuses to allow my daughter to use the restroom during nap several times which then leads to her wetting herself and subsequently my taking a large bite out of the instructor's ass during their open house. Issue has since been resolved.

My daughter overdoses on 4,000 mg of Tylenol. We spend 6 hours in ER and luckily her body manages to work through it with the aid of charcoal, vommiting and other meds.

I go to funeral and am a half an hour late due to a bratty child getting into shit and a grandmother who would prefer to visit. After funeral, I get lost driving to reception and then miss consoling my uncle. I feel like a total ASS.

My real father sends me an e-mail of a woman giving a man a blow-job outdoors and says, "Sorry. It's a guy thing. Thought your hubby would like the Idaho sunset." Why didn't he just send it to my husband then?

My daughter, while at school, sticks tissue paper in her ear and then allows another child to push it in deeper. Visit to doctors for yet another ear flush.

I am terminated from my job.

I visit the doctor for my bi-annual physical and am told that I am a likely candidate for heartattack and stroke due to my smoking and birth control combo, that I need to drop weight and should call "Weight Watchers", and then orders several blood tests to examine my thyroid, glucose index and cholesteral level. Seeing as how I've been working out a lot lately, to hear the crap about my weight just pushed my self-esteem straight to hell.

And today.....I drop my daughter off at school. Within an hour she tells the teachers she's sick and vommitting and they call me. So I am back at her school and staring at a perfectly healthy child who swears she's running a fever and her tummy hurts. Her punishment for lying to me was to come home and either stay in bed as a sick child or clean her room. She is currently taking a nap.

But what pisses me off most about THAT is that THE TEACHERS WEREN'T SURE IF SHE WAS SICK OR VOMITING! "We checked her temperature and she seems to have a mild fever...." BULLSHIT! "Did you check to see if she was throwing up? Did anyone help her??" "Well...no....." YOU FUCKS! They could fucking tell she was fine.

I've had it folks. I've taken an emotional beating this month and I'm exhausted. I am officially reaching the break point and if I get there, it will be ugly. And it's sad to say but hubby hasn't been very helpful. He's busy working, getting re-acquainted with Christy and Janean and playing with fucking idiots on a message board. It's like his favorite past time now. And it would be one thing in moderation (because at times, I do find humor in it) but it's another when it's all the time. Unfortunatley, I'm running on low reserve. So, I haven't had the energy to address that nor address my needs.

I just soldier on...............for now.

Holding onto letting go

2007-03-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

Aasta wrote me an e-mail the other day asking me how I was doing. I told her, "I'm keeping busy with work, exercising (I do about three miles a day), staying pre-occupied with life and such. But inside, I'm still a pretty sad cookie."

It's been a very long and hard two weeks. I do everything I can to keep it together but inside, I'm still a really deep mess. From the outside, no one would really notice that I'm sad. I keep that smile on my face because Thuy (a Buddhist Monk) said that the day is made by our choices. If we choose to wake up with frowns upon our faces then we choose misery. We should choose to wake up with smiles upon our faces. I'm trying so hard to choose happiness.

By it's hard......

My daughter decided it would be in her best interest to take 4000 milligrams of Tylenol. That was a week after my aunt passed away. We rushed her to ER and they gave her charcoal to regurgitate the meds. I think it was a tad bit serious because even the doctors in ER had to call Poison Control for advice. We arrived there at 4pm and left 6 hours later. Thankfully her healthy body was able to break down the Tylenol and pass it without damaging her liver or kidneys.

3 days later was the funeral. My daughter managed to create havoc to my morning which made me late. I had to pick up my grandmother who wasn't in my opinion the greatest of company to be around. She wanted to chat, I wanted to be left alone. Anyway, we were late to the funeral by 30 minutes. I was pissed. But then as I'm trying to settle down and read the pamphlet, my daughter interrupts with, "I have to pee." So we go to the restroom and then return to our seats. Then as a young gentleman began to sing a hymn, and everyone in the place is crying, my daughter looks down at the pamphlet with the dates on it and says, "Mom! Here's a phone number! We can call her!" If it were only that easy.

I was mad because I didn't get to spend any time with my mourning uncle and I was late....and at that point, I really hadn't mourned her loss. In fact, I still have yet to do so. I think a part of me is still mad about that. But a part of me is trying to remain in control.....knowing full well that I have no control at all.

My husband started his new job, which pays well but has him up earlier and travelling farther. He's been a tad crankier lately. Understandably so. I try to keep the peace when I see him getting agitated. I think all the changes and my aunt's death was a bit hard on him but then, his uncle Tony isn't doing so well either.....He's not in a very happy spot but he, like me, is functioning.

My cousin. I avoided her for weeks because I just couldn't take the additional stress. She found out from my other cousin that my (our) aunt had passed away. But I knew eventually I was going to have to speak with her again. And as certain as the sun rises in the East, she brought up the old issues again and then added some new salt. As it is, I do not have respect for my family nor what demons lay under their beds. But really......her obsessing is not helping me out. I'd really just like some fucking peace right now. Can you believe I agreed to get togeter with her for and my other cousins for Easter? One day after my daughter's birthday is Easter.

And so, I finished my letter to Aasta, telling her, "Maybe if I went on a hike in the forest or a long walk on the beach and just cried for a few hours, I could get rid of this feeling." Meaning, if I just emptied out the emotional garbage and let nature recycle it into something good, I'd be okay.

If I could just wrap myself up in a cozy blanket, ground myself into some sand and admire my aunt's face upon the stars, maybe I could let it all go.

Our last good-bye

2007-03-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

She said..............

"I thought you didn't love me. It took a long time for us to warm up to each other but I believe after the third time, you grew on me and I on you. You have a warmth in your eyes. You have a kindness in your heart. Marcella. Is that your name?"

"Michelle" I whispered back with a smile.

"Michelle.....Michelle.....Michelle.....Marcel.....Marcella. I like Marcella. It's a beautiful name" she smiled warmly when she softly spoke the words.

"It doesn't matter. You can call me whatever you choose, so long as you know who I am." I politely responded with a smile.

"Oh I know your face well. I know you so very well. Now that I know the connection, I will never forget, Marcella."

The visit continued with warm, gentle laughs and stories of passed events. She had proclaimed herself president for the day and re-named everyone in the home with names that began with "A".....except for me....Marcella.

"Now, Marcell....when Cierra is of age, you will change her name to AC (a sea). Everyone's name will begin with "A", except yours, Marcella..."

She indulged in a fine cup of coffee, sipped a bit of warm water and slowly snacked on red jello with simple glee. Even though her movements were slow and maticulous, she showed no signs of the pain that she was enduring.

"You understand that I cannot remember your name, right? You understand why it is hard for me to remember your name?"

"Yes of course I understand. It doesn't bother me at all, so long as you know who I am" I gently re-assured her.

"Oh good. Of course I know who you are. I just....I can't remember.....Marcella....it's hard to remember right now." she sighed softly and smiled. "Marcella. Such a lovely name."

I began to tell her, "I know it's hard right now. But don't worry about that, hun. You know, I never got the chance to tell you how beautiful you are. I want you to know that. And I want you to know how very much I love you. You have brought such a beautil gift into my life. Your eyes are filled with such light and beauty, I can only hope to be as beautiful as you are."

"Oh....I don't feel that I am beautiful. I don't feel it one bit. You are so sweet to tell me this. I have not always been kind, you know?"

"I'm sure we have all had our bad moments but you have remained beautiful and have such a kind heart."

"You have a wonderful heart, Marcel. You know, you will be blessed for your kindness. You know that, right?"

"Thank you. And thank you for everything you have given me."

"You know Marcel, you have such beautiful hair. And you have such a warm light in your eyes. You are beautiful and you are going to be blessed."

That day, I found out that my Aunt was a cotton picker in Oklahoma State while she was a child. She also told me how she believed that my grandfather was a guy who not only enojoyed women and booze, but enjoyed trouble so much that it may had lead him to his death.

"He's probably buried in some farmer's field near Bakersfield. My dad slapped him around one night, telling him to get his act together. If my dad knew what had happend to him, he would have told us....he might have told us....You know Marcel, he would have remembered you. He never forgets a person that catches his attention, he would certainly have remembered you....."

Everyone in the house began fading quickly with exhaustion and I took that as my que to say my last good-bye. And she said......

"There will never be anything between us. Nothing will ever come between us. And we will hug each other with long strong arms now and after this. I tell you, we will see each other again and you will be blessed. I love you so much. Michelle.....Michelle.....Michelle.....Marcel....Marcella."

"Nothing will ever come between us, Aunt Johnnie. Nothing. I love you so very much. Now be sure to get some rest. You have had a very long day."

"No...not yet. I'm not ready to rest just yet. But soon, Marcella."

"And Aunt Johnnie, don't worry. I'll make sure that Uncle Bob is being taken care of."

With a heavy sigh of relief she responded,"Oh thank you so much Marcella. That is your name, right?"

"Michelle." I whispered back with a soft smile.

"Michelle....Michelle....Michelle....oh Marcel....Marcella. Such a lovely name."

I was told that she wasn't going to make it to the weekend on Thursday, February 22. On Friday, she managed to pull out of her long battle, long enough to have a 3 hour visit with me. Mainly, she was afraid to leave her husband who earlier that day, had a severe Asthma/Panick attack. But in a way, my prayers had been answered so that I may see her one last time. After that visit, her health began to decline again until today. At 10:15am, I received the call that she had passed away.

I was the only outside family member to be granted permission to come see her before her death. Everyone else was told to stay away, except for immediate family like her son, daughter and grand-children. I am honored and in the same breath mortified. Mortified that people who should have been there, were not allowed to. Honored that I was chosen to be there and speak my last heart-felt thoughts of love to a woman who brought to me the truth of my heritage.

I am at peace with the knowledge that she has left us. I am at peace now, knowing that she will not be far away from me. My heart is sad of course to lose someone who I had just began to love and is of such a strong yet loving character.....

Aunt Johnnie Cochran Born: Jimmie Lawanda Harris
August 10, 1927 - March 3, 2007

Rest in peace, my beloved Aunt.Forever with love,
your Marcella

2007-02-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

*cough*

I came down with the flu........

*cough-hack-sniffle*

while I was in Los Angeles.........

*sniffle*

for corporate assimilation.

I think the Nyquil blocked out most of their mind-melting.....

uh....what's that word?

That word that means.......

MANIPULATE! Yeah...

mind-melting manipulation!

*heavy sigh*

It's 10:30pm, time for me to go to bed. I have a hard day tomorrow.

The doctors say Aunt Johnnie's time is up....30 - 90 days tops.

Gonna be a bumpy road.......I hope she doesn't die on my anniversary.....

festivities and friday

2007-02-01T21:07:00.000-08:00

What a treat! Three holidays in one!! I haven't done a blog on pagan/christain/whatever celebrations in eons!!

To everyone.....

Candlemas Blessings

This is a Chritian holy day that for some reason gets called a Pagan holiday. Basically, older Christains sects use this day to celebrate the half way point and to bless their candles for upcoming ceremonies.

Happy Groundhog Day

A day that Americans have adopted, we seek out the shadow of a groundhog to tell us how many more weeks of winter we have left. If that isn't Pagan.....or at least superstitious.....

Blessed Imbolc

Imbolc is the Celtic celebration of Brigid and the return of light to the Earth. It's a praise and honor of the ever changing circle of life; welcoming the return of life, light and love.

Ahhhh.......how sweet it is!

OH!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

Awakening - A new nightmare

2007-01-28T11:09:00.000-08:00

"Until their voices are remembered and their secrets can be told...."

Today I'm in pain. I cannot separate the past from today. I am hurt and I am a mess. I am vulnerable. I am crying and I am angry. I am pissed! I am enraged! I want to lash out.

But the only thing that comes are tears....frustration...confusion....questions.....more questions....more tears......more questions....and some grey colored answers......no comfort.

I am NOT broken.

How dare they!

How could he?

How could THEY?

Why me?

Why us?

Why any of it?

Fucking why?!?!?!

Why did my molester - my mom's cousin - only serve 4 months?

Why did my older sister and brother run away with him when he got out?

Why did my grandmother treat me like I was invisible but treated my cousin D like she was precious - offering her up jewels, teaching her special things that she never once cared to explain to me?

Why did my grandmother treat my older sister the same as D?

Why was it okay for my mom to abandon her two older children and then welcome them back several years later as if they were the greatest?

Why wasn't I liked too?

Why does my mom think it's my fault that she can't have a relationship with her aunt - the mother of my molester?

Why does she and my grandmother blame my uncle's kids for confessing their situation?

Why weren't we safe?

Why aren't we safe now?

Why is it our fault?

How is it our fault?

How am I suppose to "get over it"?

Why should I be accepting of my uncle's past and not talk to the kids he victimized?

Why would my mom or my grandmother force that hand of "forgiveness" of my uncle's crimes with such hypocrisy?

Fucking why, bitch?!??!?! Why?!?!?

They hurt me!!

She tells me to get over it!! WHY?!?!?

How is it that after all these years, I see that my life has been one narrow escape after another.....trying to find safety......finding out that the alcoholic father had more moral value and was better then the mother....the mother I thought was safe.

None of them were safe. None of them are.

That

Is

What

Hurts.

The buried secrets....

The lies....

The deception and the make-believe in their heads....that I'm what is wrong...we're what is wrong....not them.

I am all right.

I am not broken.

I do not live with the lies they built.....

I will not live with the lies they have built.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After several hours of crying, talking it out and sleep, I came back to center. It doesn't change anything, but it was a release of all that I had penned up inside of me. Where did this come from?

I met up with my cousin D face to face last night. We talked for several hours over coffee. It was a great visit, don't get me wrong. I came home with a great deal of enthusiasm for our reunion. But it brought out a lot of emotion that I wasn't quite ready for. Staring at her was like looking into a mirror.....

Lots of stories......stories that I hadn't heard and stories that I had forgotten......

A lot of memories that I had buried.

A lot of "why's?".

My other cousin, Little D, called me last night before I left. That would be D's little brother. We only exchanged a few words as he was busy at work, but it was contact with another person who had been missing from my life for years.

I remember hearing many times, "Choose your battles carefully". Right now, I do not know where to draw the battle line and I do not know if there is even a battle worth fighting. But I want answers.

No.

I want accountability from the people who should have protected several children from ever being hurt, abandoned or blamed for being victimized.

I don't want to hear excuses, "It's the past, it's something that happened and we need to move on, it's an exageration, it's ......."

FUCK YOU!

I want to hear them say, "I'm sorry. I'm wrong." Fucking validate ME by acknowledging YOU fucked up! Prove to me that you really love me by accepting responsibility FOR ONCE!

It's not me who needs to "get over it"..........I never held onto it. I'm not in pain because I was molested 4 times nor am I angry that my mentally ill uncle tried to look up my dress and told me I was "yummy". It isn't even the fact that my parents were drug addicts, drunks and abusive. Those are things I have resolved through therapy.

It's the new realization that adults turned against children to protect several mentally ill "family members".....and I'm one of the children who was treated like an outsider without ever acknowledging it. Even to this day, they continue to play this game......

A game I have too long ignored.

"What a day if you can look it in the face and hold your vomit."

Manicures, pedicures and football!

2007-01-21T18:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Brandon and I were discussing today's big football games. After careful consideration I called the Bears as winners. But the Patriots and the Colts was sort of a toss.

Today, I watched the Bears take the game...after about an hour or so of no scoring. It was a good game though. I rooted for the underdogs, the Saints, knowing that they were going to lose but it's great to see the Bears make it to SuperBowl after so many years of never getting anywhere.

The Patriots are winning right now...I think it's safe to say they'll be meeting the Bears in Florida. *Update* I was sooooo wrong on that! Way to go Colts!

"So.....what's up with your title, just me?"

Hey, I'm a chick! I do chick stuff, too!

To keep my daughter entertained, I painted her toes and nails and then put a little bit of make-up on her. Afterward, I did my toes.....all while watching the Bears whoop butt.

Once the Patriots/Colts game started, I plucked my eyebrows. HEY! The game started too slow for my liking!

So there ya go....Sunday from a chicks perspective. =)

Demonic Roots

2007-01-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

I've been in contact with my cousin and it's been an experience.

She has amazingly recovered through a great deal of the hardship that had occurred in her past. And today, is a beautifully strong and spiritual woman.

The past.

My uncle was never the greatest guy. My uncle....my mom's brother. When he was a young lad, he was always getting into trouble. He had the same my-way attitude that my mom had only, in his case, he enjoyed partying a lot while my mom craved the attention of older men.

As a young man, he was in a serious motorcycle accident that injured his brain as well as his body. They patched him up with a metal plate in his head and a bunch of screws in his hips and knee. After that, he relied heavily on all the dope he could get his hands on, and back in that day, there was a lot of dope to be had. Coke, pot, uppers, downers, booze.....

He met a woman of the same partying lifestyle and they had two children. But while they were married, she had another child, which was NOT his. That led to the downturn of their marriage and subsequently, the demise of his sober sanity.

While they were separated/divorcing, he met another woman, to whom he married. There is much more drama with the previous marriage that I do not know or care to know but eventually, the three kids became a part time fixture in his life, as well as two other youngsters later down the road.

His second wife, whom I am still in contact with via my Aunt Micky Mouse and my cousin Three, had a son previous to my uncle and then they had my cousin Three. She was born exactly one month after my sister. But his kids from his past marriage came around from time to time and they would hang out with me, my older sister and older brother (while they were in my life).....which eventually turned into my little sister and younger cousin, Three. We were the Arizona pack....like wild animals, we ran the street, along with a few other kids, one being my oldest friend of 26 years, K.

During this time, the early 80's, dark things were happening behind closed doors across the street from us. Bad things that I thought only happened to me...once. It turned out to be more later in my life. Anyway, they were regularly being molested and beaten, by their dad. My only experience with that uncle was him trying to look up my skirt and telling me how he thought I was....yummy.....while licking his fingers. I knew that he wasn't right and I found shelter at my next door neighbor's house until my mom and dad came back from where ever they went. I was no older then 8.

The kids were being molested for many years, as well as my friend K. And no one talked about it. But when it finally came out, there were two people who went out of their way to shut it up; my grandmother and my mom. Both of them screamed that there was foul play here, saying that the ex was doing it because she had just come from prison and was looking for cash. But apparently, when they approached her and asked her what it would take to shut it up, the ex said, "I don't want anything! I want him to pay for what he has done to my kids!"

In 1989, he was convicted on several counts of molestation. I was subpoenaed to the court but was told that I wasn't going to testify due to my past experience of being molested by a family member. What the other side was told, was that I wasn't testifying because my mom and dad refused to allow it. My dad had nothing to do with it; he wasn't even there.

The uncle was to serve 7 years but was released on good behavior in 1993. I remember because it was a big deal to my family to bring him to my Graduation in 1994. I'll never forget the day of my Senior Prom. He showed up with bleached blonde hair and big dangly ear rings in his ears....very feminine-like.

Since then, my cousin D had tried a few times to reach out to my grandmother. My grandmother's response was, "I don't know what you want but I don't want you in my life." *click*

The last thing I had heard was how D had sent a Christmas card to my uncle, I'm assuming in hopes that he had changed for the better. My grandmother told my mom and my mom said to me, "That whore! How dare she do such a thing! She should have her tongue ripped out!" That was a few years back...A Christmas or so. My cousin D said that his parole officer contacted her three weeks after she sent that card and told her, "Don't waste your time. He's just not getting it together."

He's been in and out of prison several times since 2001.

The names of my cousins who broke their silence have been a curse word in the mouths of my family since that fateful day of his conviction. How horrible these children were for their false accusations! And after all their father did for them! How could they?

Yeah....I guess if they had just kept their mouths shut like my mom did, like my uncle did, like most children do...........

I think that had my dad known, he would have killed my uncle. My dad was not much but at least I know that he would have defended them from that continuing. I wish I had known......

The present.

My cousin Three found them, on MySpace of all places. She and I seperatly decide to make contact with one of them, D. I am thankful that I have done so. Knowing the risk that I am taking with having the wrath of my mom and grandmother come down upon me means nothing since they never really went out of their way to give-a-shit to begin with. I guess you can say I inherited my "my-way" attitude honestly.

Just as most of us that are left with the pieces to pick up, she has found a sense of resolution to what has happened but not quite peace. There is really never going to be peace to the children who lose their innocense from being violated or beaten. Even as resilient as kids can be, they never really bounce back from that. Nor do they bounce back from being left behind, shunned for their bravery when speaking out against their violaters.

She looked for a comfort zone, for shelter as she grew older. She married at a very young age to a much older man who turned out to be a jerk of all sorts. But she has moved on, and today, through a lot of counseling, a lot of spiritual counseling, and some soul searching, she is a much stronger woman. Most of the kids, my cousins, have found strength from their growing up. Now, they are adults, with bones that hide in their closets.

Just like the rest of us.....they have demonic roots.

Sunshine as a curse word and other cloudy statements

2007-01-15T15:41:00.000-08:00

So the hampster in my head has been spinning non-stop for several days. Many, many interesting things have occured in the course of a week that seem to be, uhm...

Well...you'll see....

So....remember a long time ago my rant about Christy? She's the one who set me up with my husband and then tried with all her might to seperate us? There was a second half to that, her name is Janean.

Janean is Christy's cousin, and every bit the counter-part to Christy. Brandon helped both of them through many years of shit, even when they were less than deserving of his generosity. She was always a bit of a....no....she was a huge bitch. But even with that said, the last time I saw her, I was polite and even friendly with her. However, the last time I spoke to her was during my fight with Christy and she was trying really hard to defend Christy. I can't blame a cousin for that....but I don't forget either.

Anyway, Janean decided that her new year's resolution was going to be finding Brandon. She succeeded last week. They have been talking via e-mail and I am fine with this. Clearly, in my mind and from viewing her e-mails, she has changed a great deal. In the positive, Brandon gets to resolve past conflicts. He gets to talk again with Janean's mom, who was a very important person in his life for quite some time. These are positives that only a selfish fool would interfere with. I would never rob him of his right to find peace with his past nor the comfort of having a friendship that can prove to be healthy rather then destructive, as it was before.

But then the downside, Christy e-mailed. I am more comfortable now then I was a year ago about this as a year ago, I still harboured the desire to kill her. Now, it's more like a desire to smash her face in. Tolerable. Regardless, it is apparent to me that she hasn't changed much at all. Still the same miserable person. However, she wanted to point out that she is no better then me in that she had made many of the same mistakes as I did. *laughs* No....I don't think you can compair apples to lemons. I'm not perfect, I'm human. But if she's trying to humble herself before my husband, that's not going to work. If she's trying to get him to believe that he should love and accept her for her faults, as he forgave mine, not gonna happen.

She is not me and she can never be me. Nor will her relationship with Brandon ever be like the relationship that he and I have....and yet I think that at one time, she thought it could be, and more.

Regardless of my thoughts and my feelings, I believe that this is for Brandon to decide. He has to decide what it means to have her in his life and how she may or may not effect our relationship. He also has to decide whether or not she truly is and ever was a friend that is worth keeping around. And whatever his decision is, I will support it. Doesn't mean I have to be friends with her nor do I have to even speak to her, but I will support his decision. And hopefully, he will respect my feelings on the subject no matter what the outcome may be.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Did you know saying, "Good morning, Sunshine" is viewed as offensive? Neither did I until I was reprimanded for it on Friday. Turns out that there are a pair of eyes and ears waltzing around that office and they take extreme offense to many of my actions. My suspicion is it's the ass kisser thar sits two seats away from me. My supervisor told me Friday morning:

1) No terms of endearment are to be used. Phrases like, "good morning, sunshine" are offensive and make people uncomfortable.

2) Under no circumstance should I put my foot up on my desk. It's unprofessional.

3) Report where you are in the office to the front desk as there have complaints that people cannot find you. And even though you are entitled to your breaks and I understand that you have to work all over the office, we need to be able to find you.

4) The internet and messaging are prohibited regardless of it's use.

5) If you intend to travel to our corporate office, you can expense it on your own credit card.

Okay....so my response to this was "okay". I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. How in the hell can you make someone uncomfortable with "sunshine"??? Not to mention, I say that to a handful of people who I KNOW wouldn't be offended by that. Unless it was that one time back in November when I said it to my boss.....

And the foot on the desk?!?!? HELLO! I was fixing a string on my shoe!! I remember it very fondly becasue it was 4:37pm last Tuesday and I was thinking that I needed to head out of there for the day. I bust my ass around there and I'm not allowed to fix my damn shoe?!?! Seriously?? She didn't even see it 9she wasn't there!) so how can she have an opinion about my shoes on my desk??

Report where I am? WTF?? Overhead page me if I'm not at the desk for fuck's sake! I never leave that damn place so it's not that hard to find me unless I'm taking a shit!!

The internet was used to research hundreds of school districts during the coarse of 2 weeks. How the hell is that to be accomplished when I was told to do it? Grrrrrrrr.......

AND THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE FOR THE SUPERVISOR TO EXPENSE THE TRIP SOUTH FOR THE TRAINING!! NOT ME!!!!! I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY CREDIT CARDS!!!

What got me pondering seriously was the question of death that she asked right off the bat, "Are you still happy here? You've been here a few months and I'm wondering if this is still a place you can see yourself staying at? As you can tell, I'm traveling quite a bit..." You know damn well I answered with a resounding "YES! This place is wonderful!". But a few weeks prior to that, I was talking to Brandon over the phone about how odd it is that I never see nor speak to my boss....ever. Even when she's there, we don't talk. Yeah, someone there has big ears and an even bigger mouth. Guess things aren't as they appeared after all at Little Co., huh?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My cousin found some relatives of ours on Friday. They are my cousins from my uncle's first marriage. They were disowned from the family after they testified against him in court for molestation. He was convicted. How it is their fault that they were molested is beyond me. But when the oldest tried to contact my grandmother, my mom said to me, "That whore! She should have her tongue ripped out of her motuh! How dare she try to contact us after what she did!!" After what SHE did?!?!?! Seriously?!?!? My uncle is a drunk-ass who refuses to stay out of prison and it's her fault?!?!?

Well....being the rebel, I decided to contact this cousin. I'm not going to tell the family, "OH! I found so-and-so! I decided to write her!" For one, I'm not sure if that would hurt my cousin and for two, I really don't want to deal with my mom's simple-mindedness. But I do think that this relative has a right to be told, "You're not to blame for your father's mistakes."

My family tried really hard to take my friend-of-26-years down with her accusations against my uncle as well. My grandmother threatend her and her family with lawsuits and even death. Kim and I are still friends. We're not VERY close but we're sisters and we're going to remain that way until death.

As you can tell, family threats mean nothing to me. They'll get over it. They always do.

Off to take a walk with my family.....because Brandon is tired of my redundant explanation of these past events. *winks*

A box of chocolate with bad coffee

2007-01-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

Today was the day........

My little sister came shining through like a champ, delivering a beautiful baby girl via c-section. Kaitlynn Shea was brought into this world at a whopping 7 pounds even and a nice 18 inches long; the most beautiful angel since wee-bit was born almost 6 years ago. Way to go sis! They are expected to stay at the hospital for a few days before they get to go home. Standard procedure.

Here is a preview of the new little one.....

There will be more photos to come soon!

My step-dad also came through like a champ. His surgery was only an hour long with an hour and a half recovery. When I saw him, his smile and laugh laid all my horrible anxieties to waste. He was a bit groggy from the morphine but over-all, he was doing very well. Right now, he's in a nice deep sleep, at home in the comfort of his own bed. The doctors are going to run tests on the cancer that they removed and we should hear back within days of what to expect. As far as we know though, he is done with having to go back in.

Our highlight of the day at the hospital was a very, very, very bad cup of coffee. One of the elders there (from my mom's church) suggested a mocha from the coffee place between our two patients. She insisted that it was very much like Starbuck's. So, (with my aunt Mickey Mouse, Brandon and myself being huge coffee whores) we took the woman's advice and went to get ourselves mochas. OMFG! It was the worst thing I have ever tasted!! Mine tasted like whipped barf, Brandons tasted like whipped cream (not the sweet kind) and Mickey Mouse's tasted like burnt toast. The lesson we learned from that was, "do not take an elder person's word when it comes to coffee".

Over all, this was a tough day for all of us but it ended with our prayers being answered.......

Until we got home.

We received another update on my Aunt Johnnie. The last we heard, they were planning on another go at the chemo this month but at one of their most recent visits, the doctors found large tumors in her lungs and a few tumors in her lymphnodes. None of them are operable. She began to suffer the impact of having the tumors in her lungs just after Christmas, as her lungs are slowly beginning to fill with fluid. Even with this, she is an optimist and continues to move about. Her memory is fading and her motor skills as well, but she plays with their new puppy and she tries to clean around their home. She's not going down without a fight. But the truth is my friends, my Great Aunt will be passing soon. This is a reality we've known for some months now. At this stage, we're looking at a few months, depending how fiesty she really wants to be.

I am thankful that she has made it this far, allowing me the opportunity to send a picture of my sister and her new born to my Aunt so that she will be able to share in this joy. I know how important that is for her. She loves our family so much. We are her link to her brother, who passed away 30 years ago. She is the reason I know what tribe my ancestors are from. She is a shining star for many and yet she is a humble and loving woman. I hope to be as vibrant, patient and loving as her when I am in my later years of life.

Today, I have been blessed with both joy and sorrow.

A murder of crows

2006-12-29T21:27:00.000-08:00

I'm in a melancholy mood.

I found this website. I liked this entry, so I thought I'd post it here with the links for you all to go check it out and give this person some love.

Unremitting Failure
Pointless Expostulations on the Utter Futility of Everything

Because Some Nights We Understand Everything...
And feel as contented as a King. Seriously. It doesn't last, of course. What we think it is, is for those brief moments we accept our own nothingness and, like a man already dead and gone, feel nothing but a happy nostalgia for all the things we've lost.

I'm not sure that I agree with the above......but it sounded like a loathsome place to be when I pictured it in my mind. Yeah. That fits my spirits right now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've told you all about the crows that fly through here at dusk. Well, now that I am going to work at sunrise, I see them flying at sunrise. I've figured out that the crows are actually commuting. Yes. Commuting. They fly into the downtown parks at dusk and then fly out at sunrise.

I commute with crows.

I found out today that the massive swarm of crows that I see, we're talking close to the thousands here, are called "a murder of crows". Serious. A murder of crows. Like a flock of sea gulls or a swarm of bees....a school of fish.....a herd of turtles.....a murder of crows. It's actually pretty to watch every morning as the sun cracks over the horizon......

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I admit that I'm stressed out. I'm worried about my step-dad. I'm excited about my niece being on the way, but I'm freaking out, too. They (my sister and step-dad) both go in on Tuesday. I'll be taking pictures for sure.

Work is getting to me. Not that my job is stressful. It is far from it. I'm extremely busy everyday but that's not it. I'm just tired more now. I don't know if getting up at 5:30am is what's making this an issue or if it's that I'm using my brain non-stop for 10 hours. Hell, I know more IT crap now then I did when I first started, I'm thinking of becoming an IT tech just so that I can make the even bigger bucks. Could you imagine how much more tired I would be then? *snicker*

Right.....

I'm just stressed out and haven't given myself proper time to contemplate the issues that pertain to me personally.

Time to go pollute my lungs.........

So.....yeah....just rain on my parade. I'll bring an umbrella!

2006-12-15T22:18:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Wow...

It's been....like.....universally.....a VERY.....long.....time......since I've sat down and had the time to type.

Too long.

For the most part, I haven't had much to really say. I tend to not talk when either...

A) I have TOO much personal stuff that I CANNOT say.......

OR

B) I have nothing to say because I have nothing to really bitch about.

Well.....the case has been niether....and both. I was so busy with Big Gig's nonsense that I had NO TIME to bitch. And then after I left, I had no time to brag.

Well.....
It's 9:30pm....Friday night.......I'm half asleep.....I think I can squeeze in some stuff.

So...the new job has quite a wonderful culture with it's skeletons very well hidden. I'm digging at them with my chisel and finding....well.....many interesting digs. There are lesbians (lots of them), unrequited lovers, divorcees (yes...still working together), tortured souls and one very brightly colored.....uhm.....Punky Brooster...if you will.

Another interersting tid-bit, the reason why they're so small is because they DON'T CHANGE. Think....1980's. Initially I thought that the slow pace would be VERY welcoming for me. Well...YES....and no. I like that it isn't so fast paced that you never know who works where. But I don't like that they are just now doing minor stuff like, upgrading to Outlook 2003. See the problem?

Honestly....I'm not all that concerned. Frustrated but not concerned. I know I'm only going to be here until August at the latest and then it's on to Washington.

I died my hair red and black. No...not like...RED and BLACK......more like......red and black. *laughs* It turned out really nice.

See, Hubby, being the sweetest of sweethearts, got me a $100 gift cert formy b-day to go get it done. Wouldn't you know it that when I was done, it was an addition $130? Yeah.....he wasn't very thrilled either. Thankfully my hair turned out good or else I wouldn't be typing right now.

I also chopped the ever-living-buhjeezus out of it. It's REALLY short right now. But when it grows out a little bit, it'll be perfect. It's just hard right now because if I want to wear it down, I have to actually style it. Otherwise, it looks....uhm....well.....it just looks funky.

Wee-bit lost two teeth on Thanksgiving. She lost another one a week or so later. Now she has no front teeth. She looks sooo darn cute!! <3>

We applied for our name change. Soon I will no longer be Mrs. Jones. Nope.....no more. Soon...I will be a deggo. *grins* Don't make me call my Cousin Gweedo on your ass, bitch! *laughs* I don't even think I spelt that right. B is going to kick my ass!!

Everything here at the home front is going wonderfully. We're all healthy, happy, and doing grand. That would be the immediate home front though. And my immediate surrounding is my rock; the one thing I rely upon very heavily. My home, my family are the reason why I'm still facing each and every day with purpose.

*sighs*
So what's eating me?

I spoke to my real dad after Thanksgiving. The conversation was....well he did most of the talking as usual. But it was positive. He has his own business and he's still immature. He wanted me to talk to his sister, my aunt Colleen.

So, I spoke to his sister the following week. It bummed me out pretty bad. It was like talking to my real dad only worse. She...was....fucking...plastered. One minute crying, the next joyfully celebrating, and then pissed off at the world. BACK to crying because the "how dare the white man keep us down"......and right into............. "I love youuuuu". Uhm...by the way....she's white.

She also touched on "the family legacy", that being the shamanism or "gifts" that run in the family. I sort of always knew that she knew stuff and I wanted so much to hear it, but I needed to hear it from a sober person. Not a drunkard who lives in a hotel room while her fiancee is in jail for his DUI. Somehow, it kind of negates the reality of my experiences and turns it into a farce. I can't take that kind of disappointment right now.

So I've stepped back, away from the spiritual stuff for a bit. I need to regroup before I continue.

Speaking of, did I mention I did my first house cleansing? Yup....right before Thanksgiving. It was interesting.

Aunt Johnnie is holding up well. They are talking about having her go back in to do more chemo next month. The cancer is terminal now so I'm not quite sure I understand why she is going in for treatments. Perhaps it will be a positive thing. But today, she is still with us and we are blessed.

My step dad has cancer on his bladder. (This is the hard hitter right now.) He's going in for pre-op on the 27th so they can run an EKG on him. They're afraid his heart will stop while he's under. "Why?" you might be asking. Well, because when he had his foot surgery about 10 years ago, it stopped. Yes. Foot surgery.

If the pre-op goes well, he'll be going in under the knife on the 2nd, the same day my sister will be having her c-section and my little niece will be welcomed into the world....at the same hospital no less. Something tells me that day will be one of many anxieties......

There it is......a snid-bit of what life is like here. I got my rain boots on today.

Me me me me me

2006-12-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

It's all about ME!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

....TO ME! cha cha cha

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.......

.....TO ME! cha cha cha

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.....

............TO ME.........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Happy gobblin'

2006-11-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

Dance to your own beat....

And have a .....

Can I look at the nudy pictures?

2006-11-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

Leaving big gig was sad. Sad in that I was leaving some great people to suffer. But their suffering was my motivation to escape a place that no longer had my best interests in mind. In fact, it doesn't care about any of it's employees and it shows. They announced a 4% reduction in workforce in September, meaning an estimated 1500 people would be losing their jobs. However, big gig estimated that they would have more employees at the end of 2007 then the end of 2006. Makes no sense...unless you factor in the rest of the other companies they're buying up. *rolls my eyes* Fuck 'em.

I'm thankful in every way for my new job (The Firm). My new role as a manager is going fine. I can't say much more because I only worked two days before getting into my car accident. This chick was too busy waving to her girlfriend to notice that I was stopped.....on the freeway.....with 20 cars ahead of me. Lucky for me (and her), I had enough space between me and the car ahead of me.

Don't worry. The car is fine. Me?? Oh well.....yeah...I'm hurt. But the meds keep me fairly doped up so I'm doing okay. I knew immediately that I had been injured. My neck snapped back and the rest of me went forward. Not a pleasant sensation. The x-rays showed the muscles contracting and my spine in a straight line...talk about weird. And I had totally lost my mind for about 24 hours, forgetting small details such as how to leave me office to go to the docs. *laughs* I'm fine though.....in pain...but alive and well. It'll take time to recover while my muscles heal and we try to figure out if there was nerve damamge. It's strange, the car did fine but I sure as hell didn't. You'd never know I was in an accident by first glance of my car. Lucky me, huh? What I'm most thankful for though is that wee-bit wasn't in the car. There would have been a murder that misty morning otherwise.

Speaking of wee-bit.....Brandon and I pulled wee-bit from school the week before last. After having the teacher tell us that wee-bit had ADHD and then having wee-bit evaluated twice only to be told that there was nothing wrong with her, I decided to spy on the teacher and found that the teacher was verbally abusive to her kids. Wee-bit included. That wasn't what had me pull her though. It was when the teacher decided to leave wee-bit in her class alone because she wouldn't put on her jacket that pissed me off. I spoke to the principle, Sister Arlene and told her that I wanted wee-bit moved to another class. Sister couldn't do it, so Brandond and I pulled wee-bit out.

Did you know kindergarten is not required in the state of California? Neither did I. But, wee-bit is getting home-schooled by me and she stays at a wonderful darecare center during the day. They teach her a lot of stuff too so I'm not worried. Wee-bit will be ready for first grade next year. I just need to work on her vowels.

What else......

OH! I told Jinger I'd blog this....
Over the summer....well..in August....or was it September?.....anyway....I met up with my gal pal, Jinger. We had a lot of fun just shooting the shit over some Starbucks. She has become someone that I consider such a close friend....my sista'. My last day at Big Gig, it broke my heart to hear her crying. "Damn girl...I'm not leaving YOU. I'm just leaving this place. Chin up!"

Jinger was the first person I told when I had gotten the new job. She was the second person to know I was in a car accident when I sat in the waiting area of the doctors office and texted her, "Hi. I love you. I'm lost." LMAO! She had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Come to think of it, niether did I! What I was trying to tell her was that she was on my mind and that I was fucked up. She figured it out after I called her. Sorry sista!

OH! We got a new computer!! WHOOPIE!! Brandon loves it...I pickeed it out. *giggles* It's so cute!! It's an HP Slimline....oh so small yet oh so much faster then the old crapper we had. It burns DVD's...uhm...well....that's all I know so far. I haven't played with it much because...well...it hurts to sit at the chair. But I will damnit!

Brandon is doing really well. When I say really well...I mean REALLY well. However, I'm still very concerend about his blood pressure. It's really fucking high! Otherwise, he's doing great. I'm lucky. He takes such good care of me. It was funny because after the accidant, he would talk to me on the phone with really soothing tones, giving me instructions on what to do. It just made the craziness easier to deal with.....especially when I couldn't make heads or tails of what color the sky was or whether or not I could even count to 10 backwards. *laughs* Get it? That's pretty much the state of mind I was in and he pulled me through it, telling me after my telling him I had gotten lost twice, "If you get lost on your way home, make sure you pull over to get directions, okay?"

Well....that's it for now. I need more meds and then I'm going to go listen to Brandon read me a Stephen King story from Playboy. Maybe I'll look at the pictures afterward. *wink*

Onward.............

2006-11-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

I found the bounce in my step.

And fucking blogger keeps eating up my posts (I've done three now), so I'm going to just say.......

A slice of candied sunshine

2006-10-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

Ahhh......that would be the sigh of relief.

*sigh*

And that is a sigh of accomplishment.

Big Gig is about to become a thing of the past. I notified my new boss Friday that I am resigning. Tomorrow I will be notifying the rest of the colleuges that after November 1st, I will no longer be a Big Gig sprocket.

*sigh*

That's a sigh for those I will be leaving behind, both good and bad.

So....November 6th, I will begin a new phase with a much smaller company but with a much larger pay check. No more Big Gig sales......no more disrespectful stabs pertaining to my income (Yea...I was slammed a couple times about what I supposedly can and cannot afford)........no more observing racist slander............and no more "We really don't know when we will be able to officially create your position or pay you for it. And we're not giving out bonuses because we really don't have the budget. But keep up the great work! We might have something for you next year. " No more.

Now ask me if I'm jumping up and down with elation. Well....I was when I got the call on Friday. But then I came to realize, I have invested over three years with this place. I have invested a lot more in the last six months then I ever have anywhere. I have grown into an outstanding person these last six months. But I'm leaving a few really outstanding people behind.

I know that Big Gig will not counter an offer. Even if they did, I might be flattered but I wont accept unless they can beat the new place by $5k. Well....if they can't bring me up to speed now, they wont even think about paying me what my manager makes. Ha! Anyway....

I'm sad because it wasn't a matter of money. Money was never the reason for my decision to start looking at other possibilities. It's the principle that I was being fucked and at no time were they going to compensate me. It happend in mid-September when I was talking to the VP's assistant (my boss' boss) and she had informed me that she really didn't recall my telling her that I wanted to move away from where I was at nor get a raise. Infact, she was thinking that I wouldn't be able to move from where I was at for at least four more months......and then the little shit started to add up. Little comments about, "Ohh...this looks expensive. Can you afford that?" and "This is an adminstrative thing that takes to much of my time and even though it is my job, you're going to do it." Constant con-calls, managing deals, managing shipments, managing the office reconfiguration, managing the bitches that whine because they make too much money to have to sit in a smaller cube, and then having to manage a stubborn ass assistant who only wants to bid on E-Bay items all day and firmly believes that her job doesn't go beyond her homework yet complained to my girlfriend Jinger that I don't give her enough responsibility. Huh??

*sigh*

That's a sigh of aggrivation.

After the call from the VP's assistant, it took two weeks to find this new place and then four weeks to seal the deal. Well....it was one interview per week....total of two interviews, one week of waiting for the HR gal to come back and then last week was negotiating. I guess one can say that when I'm motivated, I'm highly motivated.

Hopefully this means less stress, more time to read Buddha quotes, more time to spend on my brain, more time to blog (snicker), and more money in the savings. I know I wont have more time at home.....my commute wont be a pretty sight and that part really blows but this is the risk of moving on and one I have willingly accepted. Anything I need to do now to get to my objective......moving next summer and getting us the hell out of here....is all good with me.

*sigh*

Finally......
More later on many other things happening with my life.

Happy Birthday, Hunny-Bunny-Snookey-Nookey-Nummy-Num!!

2006-10-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

~ Rose of my heart ~

We're the best partners this world's ever seen
Together as close as can be
But sometimes it's hard to find time in between
To tell you what you are to me

You are the rose of my heart
You are the love of my life
A flower not faded nor falling apart
If you're tired, rest your head on my arm
Rose of my heart.

When sorrow holds you in her arms of clay
It's raindrops that fall from your eyes
Your smile is the sun come to earth for a day
You brighten my blackest of skies

You are the rose of my heart
You are the love of my life
A flower not faded nor falling apart
If you're cool let my love make you warm
Rose of my heart

So through hard times or easy times, what do I care
There's nothing I'd change if I could
The tears and the laughter are things that we share
Your hand in mine makes all times good

You are the rose...
You are the love...
A flower...
You're my harbor in life's restless storm....
The rose of my heart.

Today, tomorrow and always with all of my heart and soul....
Your angel

Happy Birthday, Jinga' !!

2006-10-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

Today, my sweet friend Jinger turns another year older. Of course, she took the day off on Friday and then took today off as well......bum.

And since I can't go to MySpace from work.....this will have to be her shrine for the day. Who loves ya, Moonie Toon?

(Don't forget that Mr. Wong's House of Taco's is having a special on his Mooshoo pork-o-pancake-nacho-supreme filled with all you can eat chow mein! MEOW!!)

Flutterbies, leaves and the change of season

2006-10-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

My how time flies by........

Hectic...choatic......work hasn't changed one bit from where I left you all last however, I HAVE changed. Through this trialing time, I have made some outstanding friends and learned a great deal about the shadows that reside within Big Gig's corners. I can safely say now that I have an understanding of WHY office Nazi is the way she is and why everyone else here are the way they are. Sadly......they are hollowed by the comfort of selling their souls for an industry that has one goal; the same goal as EVERY major company......make $$ at all costs and dominate the industry.

I have had my resume floating out in cyber space for approximately two weeks and so far the reception has been encouraging. I've had minor hits...in number that is......but the hits I'm getting are big in that they are quality companies. I've done two interviews and have one next Tuesday with a prominant private insurance company. I've already interviewed with them so the next meeting will be with the VP. I received a call last night for a non-profit company that promotes stronger marriages and families. THAT is the one I have my hopes on although I have a gut feeling that it may not come through because they can't really pay me what I want....or so I believe. It could pan out that they are interested in me....we'll see. I've got time.

Over all, my decision to move from Big Gig is financially motivated but it is also morally motivated. I've seen too much, know too much about it's underbelly. It's nauseating and it's discriminitory. It's like a mutt that suddenly bites it's owner for no good reason. When that happens, you put it down. It's time to put this bitch down.

Home has been good. My child is a challenge but when isn't she? She's under a lot of stress with being in her new school. She hates it. HATES. IT. Too many rules...too many challenges.....they really stress academics at this school and my daughter, being so much like me, doesn't like academics. She wants to learn through playing....which in my honest opinion, she should be. I'm hoping that her next school will not be as such but it depends upon where she goes. I'm going to make the attempt to get her into Waldorf....however....we need to pinpoint the location we are moving to in Washington.

Ahh yes.....Washington. We're going north. But this mission is met with many challenges. Brandon is having issues with work which are making finances tight. At this point, he may have no choice in whether or not he remains in the industry he works in. We're looking at alternatives now but this is a rather scary time for him. He's been doing this for so many years and invested so much of himself to it that to have it shit on him, well, it's disheartening. i know he can find another path where he'll be happier. It's just a matter of him deciding on what that is.

So...back to Washington. Originally the plan was for both of us to transfer within our respective organizatiions but this is no longer the case. With me looking to get out of Big Gig and Brandon being faced with having to get out of construction, we're looking at drastic changes all around. But at least Brandon's Aunt and Uncle are on their way up to Vancouver, WA to check things out for themselves. That should give us a nice little taste of it.

Anyway.....I'm off and running again. I have much to do...a home to get to and some hugs and kisses to disburse. Some things are just a little more important then this place.

Respectivly to you, my lonely reader......
Just me

Queen Bee

2006-09-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've been a busy bee today. I got up early, made a bammin' breakfast (blueberry muffins with REAL FRESH blueberries is far better then fake blueberries in a can), did laundry....all four loads, I did dishes...twice, changed the sheets on Weebit's bed, plucked my eye brows.....

Somehow I managed to forget that I really needed to shower today. *laughs*

Yesterday I worked out (and showered *laughs*), ran to get Weebit a pair of school authorized shorts, went to the store and bought a large sum of fresh fruit, made fruit salad with lunch, made a simple dinner (hotdogs -YEA!), made strawberry shortcake for Weebit's dessert while Brandon made an outstanding apple pie.....

Last week I made three activity books for each Autumn month for Weebit to play with and learn from. I printed up all my Autumn recipes last weekend and planned a trip for the Autumn Equinox in two weeks..............

I'm nesting. Every Autumn season is like this; I get this crazy incredible urge to bake goodies made from fresh pumpkins and apples and squash and....., clean, sew, create, make messes to clean up and start all over again.

Now I have a dinner to make. =)

*Five hours later*

Soooo dinner has been made and I have finally showered....I'm ready to.......draw. *giggles* Unfortunately it's Sunday and that means I need to go to bed to start back at my hum-drum work life.....something I'm trying to mentally escape daily.

I forgot to tell you all that we had a big HOORAH on Tuesday. The VP wanted to give everyone his "GO TEAM" speech and assure us that we're his favorite (football) team. Too bad that he seems to think that cause if that were the case, only one third of our "team" would be pitching in....meaning......we'd all be really bad this NFL season. What he meant to say was that his stellar sellers are based out of that office...all two of them and they've made quota. Anyway...it was what it is....can't complain......too much that is.

And our grand company has hired a specialty company to go through and do the "chop". I kinda hope to be on that list but I know that I am VERY far from it. Everyone in my office is.

Lastly......oh forget it. I need to go to bed and life is too short to be bitching about anything. Sweet dreams!

Summary of him

2006-09-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

I started trying to type up my thoughts in my laptop but that failed me when the laptop failed to respond to my log-in.....so here I am.

I figured since I was here that I would go ahead and catch you all up on my life during this Summer. Wow....so much .....

It started, as many of you know, with the change in my job back in May. Something hefty fell into my lap and I seriously doubted my ability to take on the task. Since then, many sections of the job have evolved and I went as far as to tell my superiors that I was not interested in doing the position. In all honesty and fairness, the truth of the matter is I don't like working with materialistic ass-munches nor do I have a tolerance for superficial non-sense....something of which I deal with on a daily basis. The job itself isn't the problem....not really. It's the people I have to put up with. Ego has never been my forte'. Can you tell? But I'm mastering the position and it appears that there has been debate on keeping me and inevitably bumping me up two reems on the corporate latter or moving me to another position that would bump me up one whole notch. Either way, I win. But I've been giving serious consideration to remaining in this role now....taking on the role of a high level manager in government contracts. It's not that the work would be hard but the people I would work with will be. The way I see it, it's more of a win to take on the role and swallow my own feelings of disgust for the sake of my future in the Corporate world. It would afford me a few more luxeries for sure...but "how much is my spirit worth in trade?" is the real question.

So then, my summer went on to other personal adventures that I never had the chance to disclose, such as my all night trip to see my older sister in her play. On June 17th, my younger sister and I made a secret trip to see my older sister in her play for her birthday, which was hilarious by all accounts, but it was the adventure that was worth this story being told. I drove 98 miles south to pick up my little sister. We then proceeded another 92 miles west to visit my older sister. She was by far, the most excited woman I had ever seen when, after the show, the owner presented her the surprise (her two younger sisters) to her. She cried, she shouted with joy and cried some more. It was a great night. My younger sister and I stayed until...oh I'd say 12:30am and then I made the trip back to my younger sister's house.....and then made it home by 4:00am the following morning. I didn't get to sleep since I was awoken by my daughter at a whopping 6:30am. But it was very worth it.

July....as I recall....didn't have many splenors. It was my younger sister's birthday, which I air-headedly missed. But aside from that, not much occured.

August produced many new things though. August 7th was when Weebit lost her first tooth! Followed up by her wonderfully exciting adventure of putting a bunch of really small beads into her ear canal.....twice. Lovely! She began school the 21st in her new Catholic school. I'll tell ya, we had quite the time searching for a school for her once her inner-school district transfer was denied. It threw all of our plans into an up-roar but we managed. This school is nice but not my top-pick for schools. However, $$ being a factor, we had to go with what we could afford and supply her with the best possible education and atmosphere as possible. This is by far, top notch in education as well as .....discipline. She had/has a tough time adjusting...very stubborn child, she decided she wanted to buck the system right off the bat however she's adjusting slowly. She is learning the game and figuring out that this a place she has to be for a time. I feel bad for her and empathize with her feelings of sadness (she misses her friends tremendously) but this is the way it must be for now.

The 21st was also a landmark for Brandon and I, marking our eight and a half years of marriage. He has been doing considerably better now that we are managing his dreaded pills better. There are of course many areas that still need improvment, such as meditation, exercise and changing of diet. But over all, he's improving and has even created a geneology blog for his geneology research.

This past weekend, as we closed off the summer, we went on a few adventures. Friday night we went to the State fair and saw Tesla perform for their home town. It was....alright. I had manged to pull a muscle in my back while at work (standing of all things) but being one to keep my promise, I doped myself up on the legal version of a cocoapuff (naproxin and mountain dew) and headed out the door. But we were more curious to see how weebit would do with loud noises so that we could judge how she will do for the grand daddy of adventures at the end of this month; Guns & Roses in Reno. Yes, morbid curiosity has gotten the best of us...well...me...and so we purchased our tickets to go see The Axl show on September 30th in Reno. I am most curious to hear the new tunes live, admittedly.

Saturday was not very eventful as I was still sore but yesterday we ventured off to Colambia, CA (a very small town that has not emerged from 1855) to enjoy some old-time fun. Now, this is a place that I have been talking about for several years to Brandon and so he was expecting a rather grande place. Needless to say, I let him down. Don't get me wrong, he had fun, he just wasn't impressed. Niether was weebit. Oh well.

Today I began planning our Autumn festivities. In honor of the changing season, I have planned a trip to Apple Hill (located in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range) for the family where we will get fresh picked apples from the orchards, indulge in some homemade apple/pumpkin recipies, and celebrate the changing season. This is my favorite time of year and so I plan on hitting it with a very big reception. I also found some wonderful Autumn recipies of my own that I plan on trying and I found some cool Autumn activities for weebit to do as well. I guess I really am still "Pagan" at heart, even if I am learning the Catholic faith and studying Buddhism. I'll never stray far from personal beliefs.

Speaking of......that icky paradox of doing the right thing and "doing what it takes" keeps taunting me. I want out of the corporate world, out of this crap city, to be free of the confinements of materialism, judgements and the all mighty dollar. Yet, I am forced into the situation of needing to provide for my family and assure their conforts as well as my own, of course. Figuring out how to combine the two (earning an income that meets my moral/personal needs and following my spiritual path), which I have, has been a source of great termoil and aggrivation inside of me. I know it's going to take quite a while to merge them to where I will be happy...... But I'm frustrated. I see the the big picture but am easily thrown back by the steps it takes to get there. I try very hard to not let it discourage me....I have a plan...my husband and I have a plan and each step requires a succesful completion to achieve the ultimate goal....I know...I just need to keep going. Just keep swimming....

Which leads me to "keep going". I never at any time stopped my education on Shamanism. It has been my source of escape from the aggrivating mundane world of superficial non-sense as well as a comfort in the times of insecurity and uncertainty. I have stayed true to my path, regardless of where it leads me in regards to religious education. I am still learning the ways of the healer, the ways of the counselor, the ways of the many other's who have come and passed before me, even if it is slow for me. I am attending the Reiki courses and practicing it as regularly as time permits, Yoga when time permitts, and desperately trying to attend a Shaman course in Tahoe, but I am also streamlining Catholic rituals into my daily routines so that I am able to keep up with Weebits education. It's odd reading and meditating the Buddha, then switching to meditate upon tjhe Roasary, and then yet turning inside to journey with Grandmother. But I do...and I persist for I know what the outcome will be...only, I believe I need to pick one subject and be with her for a time rather then bouncing about like a yo-yo on a rubberband trip.

And her.....her....I'm learning how to relate to the feminine. It's tough for me...to learn to love the woman. She has always been catty and coniving. She has always been hurtful to me, endlessly competing to hurt me or steal the people I have cherished. Women have let me down in my life, so have men but at least in men, I can relate to their basic desire to fuck up. I never could in the women. And so I used the masculine to keep the strength in me alive, excusing the fuck up's and pardoning my hard-on for errors. But I am finding, that there is a feminine in me that is stronger then any masculine can ever be and she is far more sensual, far more erotic, far more liberal and ten fold more independant when certain pressures arive. Yet she is more gentle, more loving, more compassionate then a quilt by the fire during a Winter's snow. I'm learning that she has a voice.....I'm retrieving my own bits, piece by piece.

So there it is, the summary of Summer. He has to go now so that Autumn can come in and warm me up in a way that no masculine entity can. I have never been fond of the Summers here though...perhaps I'm just in the presence of the wrong kind of man.

All ya need is Love

2006-08-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

A wish for Love

A setting sun that paints a tie-dye sky
A feather bed, an ancient lullaby
A kiss good night from one whose love is true
That's the kind of day I wish for you

A field of flowers dancing in the spring
A little creek, a tree, an old rope swing
Cotton candy clouds against the blue
That's the kind of day I wish for you

First love with all its storm
Raging like fire within
Tossing your heart to chance
You swear the dance will never end

But then it does and someone says goodbye
And after all those empty nights you cried
The morning that you wake up good as new
That's the kind of day I wish for you

The faith of knowing deep inside your heart
That heaven holds more than just some stars
Someone's up there watching over you
That's the kind of day I wish for you

Monday was special

2006-08-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

Honey bunny snookey nummy num lovey love ~

You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
Love is blind and that I knew,
When my heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I'm been addicted to you.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'll spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Eight and a half years on Monday......and he says we'll make it to 50 years as long as I remember to do as he says.

"Go make all the money so I can stay home and be obedient then, okay?" Who loves you, Tigger?

Harvest Crows

2006-08-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

I mentioned this well over a year ago; we have crows that set out across the sky at dusk. It's quite the sight to behold. Well, I finally took some pictures of this phenomena and copied this great summery on Crows and Ravens.

Enjoy!

Ravens and Crows
By Blacksmith Brewer
(article from WitchVox)

Crows and Ravens are the creatures of the otherworld, and are also portents of omens, magic, witchcraft, death, regeneration, and prophecy. And in truth, anything black was considered a creature of the devil, such as black dogs (the howling of a dog was the announcement of death, and dogs have had a long deep association with death and the otherworld) , black cats (up until the 19th century crows or ravens were seen as witches in disguise, a bad omen as ill-wished as the crow in seeing or crossing paths with like a black cat; and as well as up to 1922 in Somerset the black cat was considered to be a creature of the devil, but to own one was to have its owner looked upon as having a lucky talisman – showing the duality of the folklore) , black horses, and also black birds of most types, such as magpies. Two crows seen was called a “corbie coupling, ” from the Latin word for crow (coracicus, corvinus) . Its powers of omens stopped inaugurations of Archbishops (Such as with Adamson of St. Andrews in 1586 by a man named David Ferguson saying the crow was cawing “Corrupt!” in portent to the intended Archbishop) to battles, to births, peace, etc. And later on, it is still linked to agriculture, as we have the scarecrows, and the folk art of the crow always with the harvest, and even in modern France there is a festival dedicated to this bird in the light of agriculture. And anyone who’s lived with crows, knows them as more than mere birds, some call them “feathered humans” in their ability to speak, and bond with humans.

Travelers would look to see a raven to foretell a fruitful journey, or one of ill-luck or death. In 40 B.C. Virgil writes in his Eclogue IX “If a timely raven on my left hand had not warned me at all costs to cut short this last dispute, neither your friend Moeris nor Menacles would be alive today.” As well as folkloric sayings of “As a crow flies” in relation to describing distance and time relations.

Using the bird’s gifts of omens and prophecy was against church law in the middle ages. The 12th century Bartholomew of Exeter’s “Penitential, ” writes, “He who believes that anything comes out favorably or unfavorably because of the croaking of a young crow or raven – shall do penance for seven days.” And in 1748 Smollett wrote in Roderick Random, “… As this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted, and, in a violent fright, shrunk under the bed-clothes.” And don’t think the Church condemned the bird in the beginning – St. Paul the hermit was fed by a crow himself. And Noah let forth a raven first, before a dove to see if the water was receding.

In 1652 Gaule’s Mag-astro-mances writes, “To bode good or bad luck from a crow lighting from the right hand, or the left.”

And let us not forget the very old rhyme: “One crow for news, two for mirth, three crows a wedding, four a birth...” And sometimes it’s interchanged with magpies as well. These creatures were looked at as omens for many generations, for one reason or another.

And in America, to “eat crow” comes from the war of 1812, from an altercation between the British and Americans, when the trespassing American shot a crow, and the British officer forced the trespasser to eat the bird he shot, and after the gun was returned, the American forced the British officer to eat part of the bird himself. It’s a phrase referring to humiliation, as well as “eating your own words.”

Corvids are monogamous creatures, whom are very social and loyal to their flocks. They mate for life, and in such cases as Rooks they stay with their flock all year round. Ravens are the largest of this family of birds, and their intelligence and adaptability has been noted for generations. And modern scientists are realizing the immense intelligence of this bird, as it’s been seen to have the intellectual capacities of a three year old child, in its ability to reason, comprehend, and even communicate indicating a vocabulary that would make any African-Grey parrot envious. And there are many humans who have bonded with these birds, some sit on their shoulders, others venture into their houses, and share lives as members of the family.

There are other aspects to this bird, such as its “funeral,” when one of the murder or unkindness dies. I myself had the honor of seeing this humbling and solemn event, and this is how it went: The entire flock (or murder, unkindness, etc.) gather, and caw very loudly in a chaotic mass of noise. Then suddenly silence, and the mate of the crow (Or so it seems, anyway – it’s only a guess from my observations) caws alone, and there is a thunderous moment of silence, the one I witnessed lasting fifteen minutes. Then suddenly they just fly away, leaving the corpse to the elements, and I did not see them return to the body ever again – it was a very emotional experience that certainly opened my eyes to these complex birds.

Many have noticed the community feeling with crows and ravens, and have witnessed crows in the garbage cans or dumpsters, with one or two as “look-outs, ” as they rummage. One even watched a crow figure out how to carry four cranberries in it’s beak at once, which amazed the woman at its impromptu thinking skills. My own bird-bath has been soiled by the food of crows, as they dampen the food to bring nourishment and water to the nest, in one trip. And of course, where there’s food, there are crows.

There are many gods, and goddesses associated with this supernatural bird. Such deities as Eriu have connections to the raven, as does Odin (with Huginn meaning “memory, ” and Muninn meaning “thought” on his shoulders – which apart from telling Odin of the happenings of the world, some say they represent the constructive principles of thought and memory itself) , Sucellos, Lugh, Badb, Nantosuelta (always being seen with this goddess of the land, hearth, and family on her epithets) , Morrigan, Anu and even the Cailleach Bheure to name but a small few. Throughout mythology the Raven is the great shape-shifter, the bearer of prophecy, and metamorphosis. It knows the laws of magic, the boundaries of the otherworld, and heralds when a spirit has left its body (such as when one perched on Cuchulainn's shoulder, to herald his death was complete, as being seen on the battlefields, heralded the deaths of the fallen) as well as in the Mabinogion, the raven is associated with “Bran the Blessed.” And being able to find nourishment from even the most fowl of carcasses was an act of the supernatural in itself – turning death into life, linking it to regeneration. The Raven isn’t the totem of the warrior- but of the supernatural itself. Turning death into life, and can take you to meet the dead in the Otherworld, their sighting on the battlefield is in a Scottish folkloric maxim of “Going up the Crow Road, ” and that implies the act of dying. So it’s natural to be seen on a battlefield, with death, omens, and prophecies being heralded by the cawing of a Raven or Crow, as well as their associations in other mythologies such as the Native American mythology.

In Native American Mythology, the Raven is “Tulugaq, ” and in his own myths he brings the alternating periods of day and night, after hunting down a whale-like beast that lived in the dark primeval waters off the coast of Alaska. The Raven in many Northwestern coast tribes was the trickster hero, using magic to win the day through cunning, and guile. And also in Native myths, the Raven brought fire to man, and thus was the savior of mankind by pecking the leather bag of which daylight was kept, being stolen by the guile of the Raven. Raven also stole water and created rivers and lakes on his flight away from the situation in Haida myths.

In other myths around the world also, Greece gave the crow as the animal symbol of Apollo and Athene, as well as Rome’s belief that the crow was cawing “Cras” which means “tomorrow, ” in Latin – and was a prophecy. And also here Crow tells her story to Raven right before Aesculapius is born. Being the King’s daughter won the love of Poseidon (and in Roman myths it was Neptune) . When Poseidon intended to take her forcefully, Aesculapius called to the gods, and Athene heard, and turned her into a crow to escape his wiles. And thus she became her attendant (and in Roman myth, it was Minerva) .

In China it is shown on the solar disc with three legs, as an imperial symbol. It was said to be black because of it’s close relation to the sun, and even the rising and fall of the sun was said to be where a crow was. And in both China and Japan, the raven was a possible symbol of family unity and love. Shinto has the crow, with its role as the messenger and oracle. Africa has the raven, as a guide, who warns of dangers to people and their tribes.

The Raven was the symbol of prophesy, and was the messenger of the Gods in Irish and Welsh mythology. And in the Welsh mythology A***ddu who was the son of Cerridwen was also known as “Sea Raven, ” or “Raven of the Sea;” and it was intended from his mother the gift of inspiration. Crows and Ravens are the masters of magic, life and of course, death. And not to be lastly mentioned, they are linked with sovereignty – as with the Tower of London, if the ravens fly away, England will fall; so their wings are clipped to prevent this from happening.

Dearg Corra, a figure from the Fenian Cycle of Irish literature has a blackbird sitting on his shoulder, many have speculated to be a crow or raven. In the lore it tells of Dearg being found by Finn after being banished from the camp through Finn’s jealousy. Dearg was sitting on top of a tree, with the bird on his right shoulder, a bronze vessel in his left hand, eating nuts and giving half of it to the blackbird, and ate the remaining half himself. At the base of the tree was a stag, who shared an apple with Dearg Corra, and the stag had the remaining half. Then lastly the stag, blackbird, and Dearg drank together from the bronze vessel.

Crows and ravens have a complex folklore, but too many only focus on one or another aspect of them – when it’s a supernatural creature, which can encompass and possess many talents and gifts, thus many gods and goddesses were partial to them. They are no more evil than black dogs, black cats, owls (also a portent of evil, death, and conflict in folklore) , or black horses. They are no more one thing than another, and it is in this light that many are missing the big picture – the crow or raven is a fascinating and multi-talented creature, capable of being taught or it’s talents called upon to do just about anything, from talk, to unlocking puzzles (and in the country, doors and windows too!) to cawing and alerting its unkindness’ members of danger, to many other things. Out in the rural areas of Colorado, into the corn-field seas of agrarian landscapes and you’ll see crows sitting on telephone wires, or fences, or in the local towns, rummaging in the dumpster. They are extremely adaptable, social (even with humans and other animals) , and badly misunderstood.

So the next time you see a crow or raven, a local superstition from my small town that has crows hanging on the telephone wires, making them sag, say: To give them a bit to eat, and the act will bring good luck.

Sunday

2006-07-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

For those who've slept
For those who've kept
Themselves jacked up
How Jesus wept
Sunday
Sunday

For those in need
For those who speed
For those who try to slow their minds with weed
Sunday
Sunday

For those who wake
With a blind headache
Who must be still
Who will sit and wait
For Sunday,

To be Monday

Yeah, it will be ok
Do nothing today
Give yourself a break
Let your imagination run away

For those with guilt
For those who wilt
Under pressure
No tears over spilt milk
Sunday
Sunday..........

Busy.....up and down the roller coaster of life....busy...............

But none of it really compairs to the Aunt Johnnie update.

We again, almost lost her. It would have been to her last chemo therapy. Yet amazingly (even the doctors call it a miracle), she recovered from near death when her daughter came to visit her.

She went in this last Friday for her check-up and the doctors say that the treatment on June 28th knocked out a good bit of cancer; 30 points down from her last count. This is great news. The fact that she recovered from near death is awesome news.

They've decided to quit the chemo though. No more trying to kill cancer....I assume they fear killing her with chemo is no longer an option.

Uncle Bob was in great spirits. Probably because he no longer has to watch his beloved struggle with treatments and she can finish her days with little discomfort. She also sounded in good spirits although you can hear the linger in her voice of what is to come. As she so eloquently put it, "You can't stop time."

And so time pushes forward with all things in my life.

Many changes lay ahead. Some very positive, some that are scary and uncertain for me, and the sorrowful. But it is....(that's right)....what it is....and it is precisly as it is meant to be regardless of how I may view it.

Today is Sunday, so let us take a moment to rest....to be silent.....and remember why we're here. And let us not forget the people in our lives that have and still do bring us joy, hope, love, and lessons learned.

I'm fine

2006-07-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

I found this and it reminded me of me. *laughs*

What's up? Let's see....

Wee bit was officially accepted into her new school today. She'll be attending kindergarten @ the Holy Family Catholic School. We have an appointment to stop by tomorrow and view the campus as well as pick up her enrollment paperwork. I'm pretty excited for her.

Wee bit has a loose tooth!!! OMFG!!! We found it last night. I was flossing my teeth and she kept asking me if she could try it. So...something told me, "Show her how it feels to have string in her mouth." But when she opened her mouth, her teeth on the bottom row were crooked. I said, "What is going on here?" and started feeling around her little teeth. It was hilarious because when my finger touched the loose tooth, I jumped and said, "Ohh my" sort if in an exasperated manner. Wee bit got all anxious..."What is it mommy??" So, fearing the worst, I tell her that her tooth is loose. "YESS!! THE TOOTHFAIRY IS GONNA VISIT ME SOON!!" So cute but I feel so...sad. My baby is growing up more and more each day!

Brandon screwed his knee up. Okay...so one night about two weeks ago, I hear this loud pop noise that sounded like he had dropped something heavy onto the floor and he says, "OUCH!" That was his knee. It's been bothering him ever since. So he went to the doctor today and it looks like it could be pretty serious. we also found out that the position he was trying for has been filled and no one bothered to tell him. Assholes. So it looks like we're both going to be attending school here soon. But it depends on what the doc says on Friday about is knee.

Remember that lump scare we had awhile back? I found more yesterday on my rib cage. I found them because they fucking hurt. But I have to wait and see if they get worse or what....otherwise the doctors will just give me the run around. Kaiser...such fun!

My little sister has finally caught up to the modern age and gotten an internet connection. Now she can chat with me all day long. I guess I need to show her to use some type of messenger service first though, huh?

I got a post card from my sweetheart on Monday. Perfect timing too cause Monday was a hard day here. Thank you, Aasta!! Oh...and Aasta...I heard about your share program from Brandon....wicked little pixie!! *chilly smooches all over your hot body*

Work is still.....intense. I'm still working these projects....still trying to tread water. Not doing too bad I guess...I guess that is. Obviously, if I'm finding time to blog now, right? It'll get better...but I'm only going to get busier.

That's about it for now....I'll share more when I can...or when I find that I am in need to vent uncontrollably...you know how I am.

I'm still here...Somewhere

2006-07-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

What can I say?

Things just have a way of working out the way they are suppose to regardless of unnecessary amounts of drama and hormonal malfunction. I just wish I can remember this while I'm in the middle of my freak out.

Now, there are some things that are like.....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! But at least I'm not PMS'ing all over the place, so the ordeals are not astronomical. Plus, Malach's idea of running down old people and playing "Chainsaw" by Limp Penis...I mean Bizkit was a great stress reliever. (Thanks Mal!! Send my love to SuperStar and karma!)

Aasta is always a supportive help to me. Just her mere presence is a light for me. (I love you, sweetie. Thanks for thinking about me!)

I'm sort of bummed because I don't get to talk to my Jing very much anymore. I try to bug her when I can but....it's not a dailey routine of Nachos, Burritos and Moo Shoo Pork anymore. (Only she knows what that means.)

I rarely see Jeanette at all. We're on two totally different planets right now so we're hit and miss in the halls here. "HI! How are ya? BYE!"

There is a rumor circulating that Office Nazi is my old boss' replacement. At first, that rumor was sounding as bogus as they come. Come on now, that psycho has made tons of enemies. But now....it's lookin bleak, my bitches. This ship is goin down. A lot of the girls are talking about leaving...not because of Nazi but because of the changes. We're experiencing more growing pains and a few of us are struggling under the weight, me included but only mildly. But if Nazi did get that position.....oh fuck. It's gonna get ugly. And to top it off, I've got this new chick who transferred here and all she does is run her mouth with drama and gossip! Talk about "Bitch please!!"

Brandon and I went through some serious crap for about a month. I tell ya, I'm getting irritated with the lack of assistance he's getting. No...PISSED is more like it. Going through this thing with him, SUCKS!!! I want so much for him to just have some sort of normalcy...SO I CAN HAVE SOME NORMALCY....it's hard.

I found out through the grape-vine (that being, my mom told my sister who told me) that my ex boyfriend (the guy before Brandon) married my once-upon-a-time-best-friend-through high school, Leah. Let me tell you all, I had three really close friends I hung out with through high school but Leah....I loved her most. I was really hurt when those girls stopped being my friend when I started dating BJ. Then to find out that BJ and Leah had hooked up DAYS after I left him, fucking ouch. That was my best friend in the whole world! The girl who was like, "Oh...he's no good for you.." was now fucking him. Then to hear now that they're married AND they live very close to my little sister???

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You're kidding right?"

It didn't hurt....but it was definitely a shock.

Wee-bit is going to be attending a Catholic School for her kindergarten year. THAT was hard to go by, I'll tell ya!! Brandon and I had been bickering and dashing about madly trying to agree on a place where we wanted her to go. Brandon could share his horror story with you about me but this isn't his blog....HA! Now ask me why not public school...go on! I'll tell ya!! Because we live in the not-so-great-section of Sacto and the school system here SUCKS!!

I'm glad we finally agreed to something though. Wee-bit isn't too thrilled about it (YET) but I think she will be once she sees the school. I'm just eager to get her away from her psychotic friend, Eric who can't seem to keep his damn hands to himself. (I'm gonna hurt someone if he hits her again!!) However, donating the 20 hours per school year will be rather interesting seeing as how Brandon is an anti-social person. Guess he's gonna have to learn to get over it or work through that because I'm not going to be doing this by myself. I'm sure we'll be fine.

We're almost done with our bills! THANK THE GREAT SPIRIT AND THE DEVIL I SOLD MY SOUL TOO!!! *laughs* In about 30 days, our most major bill will be paid off. Then we can pay off the IRS, fix our credit report and get to saving for the house. Oh how I'm counting the days. I'm thinking I will be taking a vacation in there though...take the family to Hawaii and take Brandon diving with dolphins. That's the goal....it isn't going to be made into a plan until September when I can formulate how the finances are going to work. But it IS a goal that I intend for us to achieve soon....and plans start out with goals.

Brandon still hasn't gotten out of his job but I am confident that one way or another, he'll be getting out soon. Otherwise, I'm forcing his ass back to school too. *laughs* I wont allow this to continue and the work he does just isn't steady enough to keep going. It isn't his fault that the industry fluctuates or that the union is pissing away his money....but if he stays in this industry with the way it's going...I'll be cranky. I doubt he'll want to hear my bitching about that. What do you think?

I've decided that when I go back to school, I'm not going to have Big Gig front the cost. I know, that sounds dumb! But really, if they front the bill, I'll have to remain with them for at least one year AFTER I've received my degree and I don't want to be here that much longer. I'd rather eat the cost and be "free to move about the country" as it were. We shall see....there is a chance that I could work this in my favor. Depends on who takes over for my old boss.

Speaking of.....he's doing okay in his new position although he was released from Big Gig's payroll and brought back on as a contractor. JERKS.

My Aunt Johnnie.....as tough as she is....they're discussing her options as to whether or not to continue treatment. Her therapy on June 28th made her very very ill and so they had to stop. She's not expected to go back in until July 28th when they discuss whether or not to continue.

This....my aunt's cancer...above all things in my life.....is crushing me. I don't want her to suffer and I have been praying about it often. I don't dwell on it much though, so that I can get through my days with a smile. She wants it that way.....for us to be happy and know that she loves us. But her time is coming......

I think this is all the updates I can squeeze in for now...until I find more time again....

Vivere per oggi e piacere (live for today and enjoy).

Whatever

2006-07-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! BLAH!
That pretty much sums it all up for me.

I'm feeling out of it. I'm edgy, cranky, irritable, and I want to fuck shit up. My head hurts, my muscles are tight and I want to bite the fuck out of something until it's shredded. I want to cause pain. This could very well be due to the fact that this is my third try at posting here tonight. It could be the over 100 degree temps here. It could be that I'm just hormonal. It could be a lot of things.

Where is my zen?

I'm trying to breathe.....but that clausterphobic feeling keeps coming back. That feeling that it's do or die. That feeling that......I'm in a corner. Never pin an animal into a corner.

I could rant endlessly right now but it's all just a self-absorbed load of shit. A pity-party for the spoiled brat inside of me that wants things to be her way. That's all it comes down to. I'm not happy unless I get my way and I'm not getting my way on a lot of things right now. Patience has never really been one of best virtues but when I think about it, when I get down to the bare bones of the matter, I've become a saint in the department of patience.

Apparently, I still haven't spent enough time with brother turtle though. Otherwise, I'd be doing better about this temper-tantrum.

The challenge isn't so small nor too big....it's the point of view.

2006-06-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

Adverse circumstances test our courage, our strength of mind, and the depth of our conviction in the Dharma. There is nothing exceptional about practicing Dharma in a good environment and atmosphere. The true test is if we can maintain our practice in adverse conditions.

-Geshe Ngawang Dhargyey, "Advice From a Spiritual Friend"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's been a long while since I've been here....perhaps it's the chaos in my life or the scattered thoughts I have racing around inside my wee head. Actually, it's a combination of factors that have accumulated.

Work has been interesting. I have been tackling projects that originally were designed to last two weeks that was transformed into four weeks. I have yet to know whether or not I'll be returning to my position or if I'll be working this new thing. My guess....just a guess....is that I'll be returning back to my old position. I genuinely feel that I lack the skills to take this on at a full time pace, regardless of my enthusiasm to learn. There is nothing like jumping into something of this magnitude that can really emphasize just how unskilled I really am and just how desperately I need to educate myself further on corporate culture and advanced reporting skills.
I've been taking online courses at work while working this project. I'm acing the exams but the exams are on things I'm already familiar with; employee relations. My next task is to get the technical stuff down....ie, advanced Microsoft applications. I know how to use Excel but can I use Excel to create these pivot tables and devise strategic reports with formulas that have nothing to do with the sum of cell E5 from report "Challenge"+ cell F8 from report "Plan"??? Not so much. But all of these course I'm taking goes on my record for improvement, so that will increase my raise come next evaluation. Plus it increases my chance of promotion. I'm pushing to get that promotion.

Come September, I'm going to be starting on my Associates. I need to get this done. I need to get some ground work in. It is imperative I stop procrastinating on my future because it's not going to get any easier for me especially if my skill set is diminishing.

Home has been a challenge. But.....I have a plan. You see, it's become (again) obvious to me that it's not that I lack knowledge on what is wrong with my husband. I've done research. And I've tried to instruct Brandon on how to take care of himself. That isn't the problem. The problem is that I've failed to recognize that he is overwhelmed and isn't able to understand why he's overwhelmed. Instead of telling him how to help himself, I need to be walking him through it as well as addressing other stress factors and eliminating them. He can't help it. It is literally beyond his control. The entire mood and memory disorder isn't something that he can willingly control.....and it is THAT lack of conrol that has my husband FREAKING OUT!!! So add my (seemingly harmless) words, "My dream house will have a fireplace in the master suite" and you get someone who is suddenly consumed with fear and distrust. It's harmless to me....not to him. Add the fact that I did not understad his fears and his sudden withdrawel and you get me telling him, "If you'd get with the program, then I'd share in my plans." Right...so now he's really freaking out and I'm wondering, "WTF is going on here?!?!?!?!"

Can we say, "Duhhh michelle."?

And can you believe there are assholes in the world who are charging $210.00 to tell you this information?? Fucking jerks.

So....now.....with my plan of personal success....meshed in with the plan of OUR success, stability and comfort...I now have to devise a plan for Brandon's success with intricate and mellow detail. It requires that I take on a full time responsibility to put Brandon in the middle where he belongs...and watch my damn words a lot closer.

I'm sorry that I failed you, babe. I can't promise it wont happen again, but I can promise you that I will do my best to help you in a more pro-active manner so that you don't feel like this again.

I love you!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been thinking lately how I really need to sit down and spend time with brother turtle. The life of turtle is amazingly peaceful, wise and the epitome of perseverance. When I read the quote above today, it was an astounding reminder to stay focused and follow what Spirit is asking of me, to walk the path as turtle does for now.

Just as turtle returns years upon years to his mating grounds, where sister turtle lays her eggs and returns back to the rough seas, they overcome obsticles with perseverance as do their children and their children's children. The are the oldest creatures on this planet...next to the snail I think. ;) But they do not evolve in warp speed. They do not race as the hare does to the finish line. They face adversity and they move on with diligence......in peace.

The mountain is tall and it blocks out the shining light of the sun to guide my way. But the path is there and I know this by intuition. I must walk and then I will reach the top. Not by flight of hawk, not by stealth quickness of rabbit, but by perseverance of turtle.

My test is large....yet there is no doubt in my mind at all that I shall pass it and I will do so with Great Spirit's guidence and the love for my family billowing out of my heart.

One step on the battle field, one foot in the grave

2006-06-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Having enjoyed a sweet delicious taste,
And having sometimes tasted what is bitter,
Do not greedily enjoy the sweet taste,
Do not feel aversion toward the bitter.

When touched by pleasant contact, do not be enthralled,
Do not tremble when touched by pain.
Look evenly on both the pleasant and painful,
Not drawn or repelled by anything.

-Buddha, "The Connected Discourses of the Buddha"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I withdraw from pain. I think most people do.

I seek out pleasant experiences. Again, most people do.

But it is our drive to seek out external appreciation, external pleasantries that brings forth pain especially when our expectations are not met. Which in the end leads to internal struggles and/or internal self-mutilation.

Yet....even with that said.......

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am tired of the merry-go-round. The cycle.....the never-ending rollercoaster ride of self-mutilation.

He ignores me, I try to escape the pain of feeling ignored, I seek out acknowledgement elsewhere, he finds out, I get mad, he hates himself, he feels pain, he tries to escape, I get mad, I try to escape, communication is destroyed..........

On and on and on..........

I'm not playing that game anymore. He's still hurt. I understand that. He's hurting me as he continues to withdraw. I understand that too.

I will not seek to compensate for his absence in this relationship; The absense of his mental and emotional commitment. I don't need anyone else to pay attention to me. I can rely upon myself for validation.

I am learning that the rest of the world means little in the way of what I believe for myself. Lonley as that can be especially for someone with my dis-ease and history, it is far better then dealing with falsehoods of humanity for the sake of self benefit/validation.

But if this relationship is to continue, to thrive, I do need HIM to pay attention to me. I NEED HIM TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP COMPLETELY (or out of it completely). I can't take the part-time commitments.

This isn't to say I blame him entirely. But I do blame him. He knows what he needs to be doing and he neglects to do it. He allows his health to decline, he knows that he is struggling with an internal battle that cannot be won alone nor single handedly yet he does nothing to gain the support or help that he needs to fight the battle.

He dismisses it with a casual, "whatever". I am losing loved ones and the one person who I rely on the most dismisses his health issues down to a simple, "whatever". It's not so easy to say that word or to even hear it when you watch the person you love hit bottom time and again. It feels like everything you do, is futile. Still I am trying.

It makes "taking the escape route" look much nicer since you can avoid the hurt so much easier. I've done that.....never realizing what I was REALLY running from.

I'm not playing that game anymore. It isn't about my hurt. This is about losing my husband to himself and how I'm going to fight to keep him from self-destruction....even if he hates me.

Blah blah blah and yup

2006-06-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment. (That's more like me right now...)

What Temperment Are You?

On Average, You Would Sell Out For

$281,571

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

Your Scholastic Strength Is Innovating

You are the master of new ideas, techniques, and ways of looking at things.
You are talented at structuring thoughts, decision making, clarifying, and making deadlines.

You should major in:

Marketing
Psychology
Design
Cognitive Science
Economics
Photography

What Should You Major In?

Like a rollercoaster without the "weeeeeee!"

2006-06-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

This has been the longest week ever. But it's not over for me.....I've got a lot more to come. I can feel it.

I've had some random moments of happiness. One such moment was when Aasta called me and told me that she was going to get the picture I made for her tattooed on her this weekend. She honors me with such a beautiful idea. It brought tears to my eyes when she told me and the only thing I could spit out was "God bless you, sweetheart!" *laughs* I never bless anyone like that...not even when they sneeze.

My wee-bit graduated pre-school yesterday. She's officially ready to start kindergarten. My, how time flies. I've got the pictures saved on my computer at work. I was going to post them....but didn't have time. It was a little luau and she looked so cute in her little hula outfit.

I've got a new art project to start for my girl, Jinger. I showed her Scribbles and the picture I drew for Aasta and she got all happy. So I promised to do something cool for her.

I have made a new friend. Her name is Jeanette and we work together. We had lunch today because I had brought her in some cosmetic stuff that I use and she wanted to know my secret....HA! That's the look of exhaustion and stress....nothing else! She wouldn't buy it. Anyway..she decided she wanted to take me out for the stuff I brought in. She's odd. She's very vibrant for a person who is 14 years older then me. She has this vibe....a no nonsense vibe yet she's so positive. I love that about her. It's refreshing considering the amount of bitchiness I work around.

Office Nazi is gone for a week. Oh how the work Gods have blessed me! It'll be hell when she comes back though.

Like I said...I've had moments of happiness.....but for the most part....I've been drowning.....

Lucky me that this week was THAT time of the month. So of course I'm an emotional bag of BLAH. All I really needed was a hug, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to let me vent, some chocolate and a long sleep. Well...I managed to steal Brandon's chocolate cupcakes and Jinger found herself being my ear on several occasions but that's about it. I'm mentally exhausted.

Home has been....strained. Communication is broken and I'm at the *growl-hiss-roar* point. Most of it has been brewing for awhile in that I've been watching the emotional tension build for about a week or so but you know, I like to pretend that it's going to get better before it gets worse. It's not better. It peaked on Wednesday with me being yelled at, "I'm not yelling at you!" I'm mad and I'm hurt. Add that to Cierra not feeling well and being sort of a pill...add that to......

Work was tough this week so I had an unrelenting strain of chaos going. Fortunately (or not is yet to be determined), the outcome to all of it was that I'm now a fully devoted slave to the chaos - temporarily. In other words, I've been promoted for a little while. I see it as my test to see how well I can work on a level that surpasses my own boss and it has the potential to pay really big....as soon as they can clear the quarter end and get the headcount approved. This would be great news. But I'm scared to death I'm not going to make the deadline and that deadline was actually a year ago but we're on borrowed time...one week's worth. Next week is going to be the hardest week in my career. I'm going for it.

The bad was weighing in more then the positive. The bad IS weighing in more then the positive. I should be walking on cloud nine.......and as even tempered as I am externally......I'm busted up inside. I'm crying rivers and drowning in it. My base....my foundation....my core is fucked and it's thrown my entire universe off.

Just keep swimming, right?

Steady as she goes

2006-06-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

For a short week...this was a long week. Make sense? Okay...catch up time.

Tuesday was a rather busy day because I had to catch up for the Friday and Monday that I was off, plus be ready for the Wednesday that I was going to be out of town for training.

Wednesday's training was long and daunting but I made it through. At the end of the day, I went to visit my boss since I was in the neighborhood and he tells me, "I'm not your boss anymore. Just wanted to tell you before you heard it elsewhere." *pout* We didn't have much time to discuss it further but we knew it was coming for a little while. It pisses me off that they never gave him a decent chance. They didn't even train him right and it's mostly based on the fact that he's a guy who is perceived to be in a woman's role. How fucked up is that?!?!?!

Came back Thursday to a con-call and some internal structure changes being ordered by my boss' boss and the official word that I no longer have a boss. That was a sad day. My girl Jingy and I had a rant fest for the entire day. We bitch because we roll like that. *laughs* We both talked to our (ex) boss yesterday and he seemed rather.....beat. He really didn't have much to say which is sort of unusual for him. But what can you do? The guy has been asked to step out of position. Not fired...just step down. Oh...and he has 30 days to find another position within the company or he will no longer be with the company. Lovely. That tells me that didn't have firm (legal) grounds for termination. *shakes head*

I hate it when the politics of Corporate America takes a good person down. I've been there...done that....not gonna do it again. There is no such thing as a nice guy in this industry. No hand-shake deals made with honesty and integrity...no.....it's all shiesty deals with shady characters. I'm out for "me".......always "me" in this materialistic shit-ass world. Fuckers!

And of course office Nazi has applied for my boss' position and thinks she has a good chance at it. Yeah...just about as much chance as I do. Actually...I would have a better chance. Besides, she was passed up the last time for "having a personal agenda". She's made a few more enemies since then.

Another one of my co-workers here has also applied for it and she stands a much better chance then anyone else. She's got the business finance degree and the perfect lack of personal relations with everyone on our team. She'd be perfect...if she can handle the work load. I mean seriously, this chick strolls in around 10am and leaves around 3:30pm IF she comes in at all. Going from that environment to working 12-14 hour days with an ass-load of demand at your heels is going to be hilarious to observe. Alright...enough poking fun at the new boss to be.....

Anyway......back to Wednesday. After chatting briefly with my boss, I went up the road and stopped by my older sister's place. That was really nice. We talked and talked and talked and....laughed. We rarely get-together just for the hell of it. We usually see each other at large family gatherings and spend a maximum of two hours tops catching up on our lives between family socials. I don't get to spend enough time with her and it actually bothers me. I admire her and I've always looked up to her. She is a strong woman who has the same quirky personality as me. She just looks way better. One thing she told me....that I thought was weird was....."You're married to the most gorgeous man and made such a beautiful baby!"

"I know....I got lucky......."

Why is that odd to me? Because her husband is good looking too. Okay...he doesn't have the awesome green eyes that Brandon has but he's good looking. He was the total original goth boy. When I met him....which was after my sister had met him at a club.....he came over in this long black trench coat and was wearing all black and these big ass black boots. He was goth before goth was cool....mind you this was in 1989-1990 where big glam hair was the norm....not goth. So naturally my 14 year old girlie self was in awe of this phenom who had a thing for sci-fi/fantasy novels, had uber long hair and was wearing all black. It was great.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that my sister actually has a thing for Brandon. I mean, they are the same age and she did tell him that she thought originally that he was too old for me. But I digress....she can admire all she wants. I admire her too.

We're actually planning on going to see her in her play on the 17th. It's the day after her birthday and I've always wanted to go see her acting. My aunt says she's pretty good. Hell, she's been doing theater for almost ten years and can you believe that my flaky ass hasn't even seen one of her plays??? For the most part, I was either too broke to go or didn't know until after the plays were done but still.....come on now. I have to go to this. She made sure I had plenty of advance notice too so I KNOW she's wanting me to go. It's only fitting I show up to surprise her on her...well...a day after her birthday.

Now back to Tuesday. After I was finished running around like a mad woman and preparing for my day off, I sent out the care package that we had made for Aasta. See, I had found this jade elephant at this little Asian man's booth when we went to my Grandma's house for our annual "Small Town Street Fair" family gathering. He was a nice enough old guy with a few wonderfully carved designs but the little elephant caught my eye. So I bought it. when we got home that night, I looked at it for a while and then decided that the little elephant needed something to go with it. Perhaps....a picture? Ahhhhh....of course! A picture! So the following week, I sought out designs for the perfect little elephant and came across a picture of .....(guess Aasta)......

A tattoo of an elephant sniffing a butterfly. It's true!

It was cute but.....it needed my touch indeed. And so the original consumption of my thought was in fact the shell of an elephant from a tattoo that was transformed into "The sentiment of Love". The one I found wasn't smiling joyously nor did it have wings. But it's body was cute and that was what caught my eye. (Sorry.....the secret had to come out.)

Once wee-bit caught on that I was drawing something, she was all about knowing who I was drawing for and what it was. I explained to her that it was for Aasta.
"For ass-duh, mom?"
"Yes, baby. For Aasta. She loves elephants and this will go good with her collection and her fairy picture. Remember that one?"
"Yup. Can I draw for ass-duh too, mom?"
"Of course you can! She'd like that a lot!!"
And so she did. She actually ended up drawing like five pictures but I could only find the one when she was done so that was what I had sent. And then I convinced Brandon to send out a story.....he actually sent two. (I'm determined to sneak these out somehow for public viewing. *mwahahahahahha!*) And there it was....the Aasta care package!

I dunno.....I just wanted to do something nice for her for no particular reason. She's such a sweet person with a really big heart. I admire her tremendously for being such a kind, loving and supportive person. She does random nice things for me too so it isn't like it was out of the blue totally. It was....payback. Yeah...that's the ticket! HA!

So there it was.....a busy week.......

Steady as she goes......through the peaks and valleys of the ocean that is her life. Back and forth, she sways with the wind.....her resolution slips away again right through her fingers. Topics of yes and no in this ocean of maybe. From the top it looks like a steep incline and from the bottom another downhill slope of time but she knows it's somewhere between her love and agony......she's somewhere inbetween............

(the slaughter of Faith No More ~ Falling to Pieces *takes a bow*)

Tick tock tick tock.........

2006-05-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

The cancer has not spread to my Aunt Johnnie's brain. It has spread....slowly..... but not to her brain. The other problem was whether they could find another treatment that would slow or stop the cancer. 48 hours ago, that possibility looked bleak. Today we know that there are three other treatments available to her that stand a good chance of helping her fight her battle.

This is the best news I've heard in the last 48 hours.

Tomorrow I'm going to see her.

Today I found out that Brandon's blood pressure is at the pre-hypertensia stage. His blood pressure has been rising steadily for a year.

I found out tonight that my mom is ill. My grandmother tells me my mom has been vomitting. My mom wouldn't tell me what is causing her illness. She would only tell me that she "hasn't been feeling well for the last few days". Nothing more.

I've been crying.

The lead into tomorrow

2006-05-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

"In my own experience, the period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life. ...Through a difficult period, you can learn, you can develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face the problem. Who gives you this chance? Your enemy."

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have many enemies. Some by choice and some not. Today....my enemy is time.............

Thursday, May 24, 2006 4:02pm

Hello, All
It has been awhile since I have let you know how Johnnie is doing. I guess I have been reluctant to write about a pretty bad month. Her last Chemo treatment was May 5. Her reaction to this treatment was worse than any she had before. This bad reaction led to a Grade 3 out of 4 Toxic reaction. Grade 4 is anaphalactic shock. The reaction caused huge blister like eruptions on her left foot as well as beginning to turn the sole of the foot blood red. This plus the usual fatigue and malaise really slowed her down. The Oncologist said because of the reaction he could not use this drug on her anymore.

Previous to the toxic reaction there had been some evidence that the current drug might not be doing its job. If that was so, that could mean none of the other Ovarian Cancer drugs would work.

On top of that, there was some indication that the Cancer might have gotten to Johnnie's brain. None of these things are good things. To evaluate both problems the Oncologist ordered some scans. We had the scans done last night. We are supposed to get the final results on Friday afternoon. About the best result we could hope for other than divine healing is that no cancer was found in the brain and that the Chemo Treatments at leased held the Cancer static if not reducing it.. All prayer is great-fully accepted.

Thanks
Bob Cochran

Time is running out.

This is your wake-up call

2006-05-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

An Inconvenient Truth

Decide to do something today!

Sing a song of six pence

2006-05-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

"Father Lucifer
You never looked so sane.
You always did prefer the drizzle to the rain.
Tell me, are you still in love
With that milk maid?
How's the Lizzy's?
How's your Jesus Christ been hangin'?"
~Tori Amos~

I'm not too sure why I love her but I'm certain it has a lot to do with her profound form of profanity. She can tell anyone to "go to hell" with the utmost intelligence and she can certainly take the most shocking anything and make it sound like the song of birds in Spring. I love her.

Speaking of song birds..........................

I want a cat. I don't care what Cash says, I love cats. They're soft and furry and they cuddle and purr....and they're independant.

Hell!! If I could have a farm full of animals, I would. I love love love animals. I'm allergic to most of them though. Anway.....I don't have a farm......or land......or a house for that matter. But a co-worker offered me a deal I couldn't refuse: two love birds and one cage for $40. I'LL TAKE IT!

So......next week....I'll have Fluff & Stuff.

No...that isn't their real name.

I was talking to another co-worked about Stormy, aka Foo Foo.....and she thought that was the most hidious thing I could ever do to a rabbit; call her Foo-Foo. And so upon asking what I'd name the birds, Stuff & Fluff was what came to mind and subsequently out of my mouth followed by uncontrollable fits of laughter by both of us. Ahhh the ways in which to pass time on a Monday morning.

Anyway, those two birds right there are father and son and they're used to being outside so it's not like I have to get rid of Foo to make space for them. I have the perfect little corner for them on my patio. Or I can put them someplace else...no biggie!

So I have begun to realize that I am a yuppy-snob. How can this be?!?!? Well, I drink lattes....not any latte by soy chai lattes...... and other fancy coffee drinks, I'm a tea snob, I eat sushi.....not just the California roll but an Ava-Kue with soy wrap instead of seaweed (although I still like the California roll and sashimi isn't too bad either), I know what an Odwalla is and which one is best for which ailment or for over-all healthy living, I know what organic food tastes like and I LIKE IT, I like soy milk as long as it isn't made by 8th Continent, I use SPF 15 on my face and SPF 45 on my body, mint is good for you hair.......and I insist on buying KRAFT cheese. Yeah...I'm a yuppy snob. Brandon would say I'm slowly turning into one of those hippy-bug-eaters. My sister says I'm a health nut..................

Did I mention that Brandon and I quit smoking? This is not going to be an easy road for him but he has to do this and I am going to go through this with him. I can do it. I know I can. I've kicked every other habit I've ever had. He can do it because I will make him do it. *evil laugh* After his little stint in ER last week, I decided enough was enough. I have a rough time accepting his mom being gone. I will NOT let him choose the same path.

Speaking of path! My sister called to inform me that my mom has high blood pressure, high cholesteral, is severly over-weight (I knew that part) and is a prime candidate for stroke. Can you believe that she was upset at me for not being upset? Look dude, this is the same woman who snorted ass-loads of coke while pregnant with my little sister. This is the same woman who is an alcoholic. The same woman who smokes at least a pack a day....INSIDE......WITH TWO DOGS AND TWO CATS.....WITH THE DOORS AND WINDOWS CLOSED. This is also the same woman who told me my molestor's e-mail address and when finding out I was offended by that, told me that I need to get over being molested because it's not that big of a deal. I find it hard to sympathise with someone who has made all these life choices. And as I told my little sister, "If mom was a healthy person, this would be upsetting news but she isn't. She has made her choices and should accept the damage she has done to herself and at least TRY to take care of herself now. If she doesn't, then she's just choosing to throw her life away." THAT was where my sister got seriously pissed off at me. She couldn't come to terms with knowing that my mom would consciously throw her life away. She wanted to blame it on ignorance. Nah...she knows what she's doing. I blame it on ego and pride. She will do what she wants to do....no matter who she hurts......even if it kills her.

That knowledge hurts...........

But I guess some people are just meant to be utterly selfish no matter what. I can't control that. I can only control me.

Birds and bunnies and.......butterflies.

Cause this is my united state of whatever

2006-05-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

SUH-WEET!

I'm bored.

I adopted two new pets because I'm so sad....

See, my cousin is giving away her dog...a mostly white huskie. I've always wanted a huskie. But....he's too big. *pouts, cries, stomps feet, throws fits of juevenile rage* I'll get over it....maybe.............

Anyway....so while I was having my moment......I was surfing MySpace, stalking my new favorite "friendly person" and she had this really cool.....Tigrrrrrrrrr. And so...curiosity getting the best of me...I clicked to see what kind of animals were there.

I'm now the proud owner of an animated "foo-foo" (the inheritade name of our blue rex bunny, Stormy) and a wolf named Myko, after me. If I can't have my damn huskie, then I can at least pretend to have one....or something WAY cooler then that. And the computer version of foo-foo wont make me sneeze. =)

And further along.......

We're expecting a Spring/Summer storm this weekend. It's already raining in San Francisco.....we might even get a few rummbles. Can't wait.

Poodles peeps......poodles....

WHATEVER

The bridge is burned but I'm still over it

2006-05-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's good to be back in the saddle. I've actually been back for awhile...I've just been practicing restraint and playing with MySpace to occupy my mind.

One of my corp big wigs here told me to practice HALT when considering communications. Well he told me this because I yelled at an office full of people. Regardless, he told me to never communicate when I'm......

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
- or -
Tired

I'll tell ya right now, the only thing fueling that nasty speech to the entire office was disgust for the unintelligent bastard who broke my coffee machine!!!

Anyway...so I haven't been typing here for awhile because the only things I had to say were.....REALLY....REALLY bad and the situation was something that needed surgeon-gloves to work with. Now I'm over the pissed off thing. I'm realizing that it's rather hilarious instead.

"On the ricochet, it's gonna hit you. It's only funny until someone gets hurt. And then it's just hilarious. You can laugh at me when it misses you."

It wont miss you...that I know with grave certainty. ;)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm going to be an auntie for the second time! My little sister announced this to me last week....well no.......actually she asked,"Do you think I'm pregnant?" And so we found out that yes she is!! The news comes with mixed emotion but over-all I'm very happy and hopeful for her. Brandon I think is pretty excited about it and I KNOW wee-bit can't wait! She wants to have a little baby around to take care of. (uhhhg)

My mom is convinced it's a girl and Brandon says that it's going to be a boy. Guess we'll have to wait and see......

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've been working on multiple projects again. Would you expect anything less? Here's the list:

I finished one of the books last night that I was reading on Shamanism, I'm almost done with the surprise I'm working on for someone else *wicked little winks*, I've picked up studying Reiki (I was putting that one off for awhile though), I'm reading a book on teaching children spirituality (I really don't want to confuse my daughter with a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo. Just want her to be able to enjoy a fulfilling spiritual life on her own level), I'm trying to plan a trip to the Redwood Forrest for the 4th of July weekend, I'm working on my internal corporate finances (with success so far), I'm sort of trying to plan a trip to a Shamanic Gathering in Tahoe in October but I'm not sure if I will be able to wing that one, trying to get my wee-bit set up for kindergarten this fall, planning my start for college in September but I might try and start sooner (still pondering that), still working Brandon's (hopefully) cross-over into the other side of his business, and teaching my wee-bit how to fight off a really bothersome (borderline psychotic) little boy. And we still find time to go to the library. =)

I'm actually not doing that much right now when I put it into perspective. But it's all good.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Work this week is very very slow (obviously) and it's a much needed change of pace. We've been so damn busy since the beginning of the year that I've had hardly any time to for much anything else throughout the day. I swear....they think they pay me to work around here or something. It's only going to get more chaotic when the buildout begins. I'm in charge of it so......it'll be monumentally stressful in a few more months. Then everything should go back to normal....hopefully.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Other then all this.....life goes on.

Me and me and.....ME!

2006-05-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

I know you are waiting to see what I'll say......

KEEP WAITING

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm doing awesome.....I had a wonderful Mother's Day. I'm working on a few projects. Right now, I'm eating ice cream because I can.

To all my mothers..........

Something else to occupy you

2006-05-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

Alex Jones - Waking Life Rant Clip

Also....I challenge anyone to watch "Boohbah" while heavily sedated or on some form of hellucinegetic. It's rather......odd.

Into the white

2006-04-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

Here is some humor to tie you over until I get back.

Meanderings and random thoughts

2006-04-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have been digging.

Digging is what rabbits do.

I've been working with a gopher to help me dig. I've been working with a dolphin to sort it out. Funny....dolphins sorting through land messes. But dolphins are so damn smart that it is almost beyond neccesity to have one.

A rabbit, a gopher and a dolphin.

I've been digging.......

I found not one.....not two.....not three.......but several bones in the bone yard.

I've got a parrot in a tree. Parrots sqawk...and talk.

I like parrots.

So...I stopped digging....and started hunting. Wolves hunt you know. They usually hunt in packs. I'm definatley not alone.

I've got meat to eat.....

I've got a parrot in a tree................

I've got a gopher who digs, a dolphin who understands, a parrot in a tree....

And a poem to pass the time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Eysee was her name

I took one breath

And then my heart stopped.

It was pounding,

Racing, trying to escape the cage that kept it within.

But I held fast,

Trying to compose myself as I read the words….

The words that belonged to someone else

Yet were now fractions and explanations of the person you had become…

One last breath……………

I wanted to cry

But instead I turned sour

The once soft features of my face

Hardened by the appalling scene that unfolded

The carrion of a murdered soul

Being consumed by hatred, darkness, and disgrace

That my heart had ever spoken your name.

Souless is the one who smothers his lover’s breath….

And then………

Conquers the cunts of others.

I took one last breathe and died today……………….

No news or boo-whoooos

2006-04-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything new to report. Nothing is going on right now. Which is GOOD!!!

I'm feeling good.....a little flair up of my allergies from the pollen in the air but that's normal. My throat isn't swollen closed any longer. It is still slightly swollen though and at times you can see the puffiness in my face. So weird. I can breathe. I have energy. I'm back in my zone. Finally.

We went to the library yesterday and got this really cool book for Wee-bit called, Darkness and the butterfly. It's a story based on the African saying "Darkness pursues the Butterfly" and it has all the magical makings of African shaman legend. I highly recommend it, mostly for the moral of the story of overcoming fear.

See, I took a detour off my path to learn about teaching spirituality to children. I'm finding out things for my path in the process that I didn't even know existed. Ahh but Spirit always has a way to bring about information to the seeker even in the most unlikely of places....in Spirit's time of course. And so I'm researching yet another piece on my path but I'll go into more detail about that another time.

Brandon is getting close to changing jobs. I'm excited for him. He's been doing estimates on building projects. If he can get in to this and out of what he's doing now, he'll be set for the rest of his career. Small steps of course but so far, it's looking very positive and I'm optimistic that he'll be transitioning soon.

I don't know that I said that I got a raise last week. Well, I did. Not many people did get raises this time around but I was one of the fortunate ones in my group to get one. Nazi was not, who's tenure and expertise should have gotten her one. I guess being a miserable cunt really doesn't pay.

Slowly.....my life is smoothing out. Picking up the pieces from a very rocky road from the beginning of the year is a difficult task but I'm not backing out. The first part of this year was filled with a lot of trouble and a few serious issues....things I never wrote about and things I never told anyone about. But that doesn't matter. I'm moving forward to healthier, happier times.

So....goal number 1 was met last weekend. We got the banking issues squared away and the savings issue squared away at the same time. It was also done on the due date. What can I say, I'm a stickler for staying on task. The next goal that needs to be met is to get Brandon out of his current job by the end of June. I'm pushing this one hard because the sooner he gets out, the sooner his pay-off will arrive. After that goal, the third goal to be met will be the outstanding bills getting paid off. It looks like we'll be sitting pretty by the time October hits. Step by step, I'm going to make this work. Brandon will tell you I am being a tight ass. Just wait...I'll get worse. After goal #2 and part of #3 gets accomplished, the savings will begin to quadruple. Right now, only a small fraction of my check is going in. By October, almost $600 per month will be going in. That is the result of no longer having to pay the bankruptcy court.

~ Cleaning up credit sucks! ~

So over-all....I'm looking at a two-year plan to turn this barely-floating-ship into a money making machine. How? After goal #3 is completed, goal #4 is to save as much money as possible and open some long term investments or a Roth IRA. I need to be focusing on saving for retirement too since all the retirement money that Brandon had invested with his union disappeared. Thanks to the poor investments made by his union, the money has been pissed away. Can you say, "$145,000 boo-boo"? Like I said, I'm pushing hard to get him out of there. Goal #5 is to purchase a house. My step dad and I are going to be working on that one, as he has a plan to make me a real estate guru. His plan is to help me get situated to buy more then one property and we're thinking foreclosures would be the better lot to start with.

I'm also going back to school toward the end of they year. At first, I thought it would be a good idea to get my degree in liberal arts due to my love of art but now I'm leaning more toward business administration/management. Why? Because after the two-year plan is completed, I'm going to be starting another plan to open my own business....maybe two. I want to do my thing...my OWN thing and I want it to embrace everything I love.

I recently found an interesting practice called Anthroposophy or "Science of the Spirit". It's an artistic, spiritual, and holistic approach to healing and teaching. In a lot of ways, it encompasses the work that the Shamans do...minus the ever so important Spirit work! However, it is something that peaks my curiosity because it could still be very useful when doing healings.....which eventually I WILL be doing. I sent a link off to one of my friends because he and his wife do a great deal of this type of work/healing in their lives working with Autistic people and I wanted to get his feed-back on it. (SO REPLY ALREADY) Like I said, I'm learning all kinds of new things.....and they're right up my alley.

Well, that about does it for now....I'm sure I'll have a rant or something eventually....

Go check out the new addition to my links section, Wand of Wonder. You'll enjoy the variety I'm sure!

I love myself and you're just gum on my shoe.

2006-04-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I found something. Something that I'm interested in. Something that makes me go......"wow..."

No....

Actually it found me. Not it...HE. Jason. After like.....12 years.....my friend from high school found me on MySpace. I cannot believe it. This guy....we had so much fun tormenting each other and passing notes through classes, it was great!

He also happend to be the shoulder I leaned on through two of the most terrible moments of my entire life; my break up with my first love, Shane and my abortion of Shane's child. I'll never forget the day that he met me outside of English class and gave me an Eagle medallion to help me get through the rough times. That thing meant a lot to me.....cause no one had ever said they wanted to help protect me from harm. At that time in my life, being protected from anything wasn't a concept I was used to.

Oddly, that same medallion was passed on to my ex-best-friend 5 months ago to help him get through his rough times.

Funny how that works.....we make changes...close doors......and then old ones re-open or new ones unlock. We really are fish in a fish bowl, aren't we?

And the first time Jason ever got high. Ha! He was like some crazed maniac......it was the greatest. He didn't seem to think so. It freaked him out. But man...the memories.

I'll never forget the last time I talked to him on the phone. It was 9...almost 10 years ago. I was telling him about my job at the post office and he was trying to one-up me about his managment job at the "Car Wash". "Yeah....you SAY you make $20/hour but I think you mean $12, right?" "NO! I make bank! You'd be envious of me!" "Never..." My boyfriend at the time found out I had talked to him and threw away the phone number. Jason and I never spoke again.

Til today.....

"Tell me I'm not wrong..... Michelle?"

Yeah...it's me buddy.............it's me.

I'm not sorry

2006-04-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

Picking up from where I left off a week ago.....

I said I'd make some changes and change is exactly what occurred. I haven't lost that loving feeling...but I've certainly seen the light.

It is in great diversity that we begin to separate our friends from our enemies. Or the strong from the meek. Through my recent trials and travels of life, I've seen some very bizarre and sad changes occur. Those changes require I let go of those things that are out of my control for it is not my task to control others but to manage myself.......
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When you love someone, the stupid and thoughtless things that person does, hurts. Well, when something hurts, it's usually a sign to get rid of it/them or at least put some serious distance between you and it/them. After all, pain is usually a sign that something is wrong. So, get rid of it I did.

I had a huge vicious post about the ordeal between my ex-best friend and I. It was my way of expressing my pain and in a way, pointing out the things he's done wrong in my point of view. But as I waited to simmer down, I began to realize that the post and it's uneducated foul verbiage was no better then the people that I often disapprove of and/or despise. Not to mention, what is the point in pointing fingers? I say I'm right, he swears he's right...whatever. So, I never posted it. Besides, it would have only fueled a war that is better left to die....

So I offer this up instead: So long to the person I once knew as "Tiger", an ambitious, caring, wide-eyed guy who embraced a new life with hopes of becoming a stronger and more spiritually in-tuned man. He was my pillar of strength through rough times and the comedian to lighten up my day just because.

Good riddance to the person that I spoke to last week who could give a fuck less about anyone other then himself and his "new" life. You wont be and aren't missed.
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I also had a rant prepared about holidays and how much I do not enjoy them any longer. But then some miscommunication was sparked with that one so, it sits pending in the "draft" que. Let me just say, holidays have lost their loving feeling and I'm not getting any warm-fuzzies about it. Thankfully, Easter went quickly. Speaking of quickly, it was so nice of the CHP officer to "God bless" me after giving me my speeding ticket. Such a swell guy, wouldn't you agree?
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I did manage to get one of my objectives aacomplished over the weekend so I'm now one step closer to achieving my goals for this year. But it's still a long road and Spirit has a way with changing your direction.
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Well..that's it for now. I'm going back to bed. There just isn't enough sleep to be had anymore these days.

What else should I be?
I'd rather be hated for being myself then admired/loved for being someone I am not.
No apologies.
No regrets.

Feature of the day.....

2006-04-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

It's Monday....

It started off raw and hard and terrible and I just ...... I had to scream. Threw a temper-tantrum and ....cried......yelled....cussed....just being pissed off.

I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling over-whelmed. I hate ....when things don't.... just go......right.

I'm busting my ass. Why wont the square peg fit into the round hole. Just do it already! I don't ask for much....just cooperation from the fucking universe and the microcosm that revolve within them.

And my lunar cycle.....uhg....they're not getting easier.....my moods aren't as stable any more....I'm changing.

My aunt told me yesterday, "Life is just not fair. But we learn to accept that and we learn to adapt to it." But ya know...that is just more crap that is force fed down our throats....I don't buy it anymore. That was someone else's reality. Not mine. I don't need to live under that law anymore......

.....like my daughter.

I don't care what the "world" has to say. I want what I want and I want it NOW. You said "no" but that doesn't mean there isn't another way around getting what I want. And she does too....she figures out a way to get what she wants. Do I really want to break her of that habit? I never let anyone break me of my will to persevere.....why should I try and break her of hers?

That kid....she's gonna bust my chops.

I wish I could say it...."I give up".....but it's not true. I'll never give up. But that doesn't mean I wont make changes.